Hell

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?” –Unknown

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. I hate it. I hate myself mostly. I hate the fact I screwed up but most of all. For some reason, I don’t hate what I did. I hate the fact that Kitten and I ended the way we did. I hate the fact I made Kitten lose her best friend, over something like this. Something, that could have been so much worse.

But in the end I know it was worth everything. In the end it was worth every tear, every hug, every kiss, every laugh shared. I know that it hurts her to think she (Kitten) was suppose to trust us. That we was the few things she still had. It hurts to think that I hurt the few people I cared about.

Most of all it hurts me that I did such things without really thinking. Yes, I did think but yet I didn’t. I never thought that Kitten would break up with me. I fought a losing battle last night with her. Because as much as I wanted for her not to leave. Now, I want her so far away from me. I want her to leave me alone. I want her to fucking leave me and find someone who loves her for her and someone that can treat her with the respect that I never gave her. The respect she should have.

It doesn’t make me a bad person I believe that I don’t feel bad for what happen between me and her best friend. I don’t hate it at all. I hate that it had to end the way it did. I guess if that makes me a bad person then I’m a bad person.

I have had such a GREAT fucking day. It has just been great. I went to bed around 3am and I went to school. Took to finals. One in Chem 1 and the other in Spanish 1. I just know I failed the Spanish one but I don’t know about Chem. Tricia said that my chem teacher told her that NO one failed it. So, that has to be good. If I passed I will be so happy.

I added a new page. It is Life summed up. Kitten wrote it today about me. It really is my life summed up. I told her she really does know me if she can sum up my life like that in 3 pages. I laughed and then started to cry again. I cried soon as I read it because I knew that she knew me that well. I knew that she knew that I felt that way. I still know that she knows.

Chris also told me today that he likes/loves me. Chris. Chris!! My best friend in the whole world tells me this a day before school is out. God, I love my friends. I don’t know what I am going to do about any of this. I really don’t.

“when the shit hits the fan, it never lands evenly.” –robert

Off to die……no, wait……live…maybe!!

Tricia is coming home with me tomorrow. I hope she can make me laugh. Right? I need it.