“Realize that this life you thought was yours was a dream you had been dreaming for ten thousand years.” -Some Guy’s Finger Nail, by: me
I feel like that a lot. I mean that little bit of poem. It says how I feel. It says what I am feeling right now in this moment.
I fear that I might be slipping back in to a depression. Very slowly at first but it seems to be getting closer….I don’t laugh as much as I use to and I don’t talk as much. It kind of scares me. I use to have a lot of bad habits when I was depressed. I did a lot of things that wasn’t good for me. That hurt me physically and mentally. I use to sit and cry for hours on end about how I wanted to just be off alone. I hated feeling like that. It hurt me horrible. I almost died inside.
It was really hard on me to get better. So you can only think about much it hurts to be fearing something that has happen once and stayed for almost two years. It hurts…
I realized that I hurt people….more often then I really knew. I called an ex-boyfriend today just to talk. And he read me one of his stories he wrote for college and I wanted to cry. I think he thought he said something wrong to make me get off the phone with him but he didn’t. It’s just that I realized that I hurt him very badly. I feel so horrible for it. I have hurt Kitten more then her share. I have hurt ex-best friends, people that has been very “IN” love with me.
I have been told that its easy to fall in love with me. I don’t know if it is. I sometimes wished I hadn’t met some of those people; it would make it easier on them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I got to be with them but in the end I believe that it would had been better to just had never met.
Off to cry, think, hope that my fears aren’t become my reality and to maybe sleep a little.