Let the words come out

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. I wish I could put them in to words. I don’t know if I can. Saturday would have been the due date of our child. I can’t believe it has already been 9 months. It is still hard today as it was 6 months ago when I had the miscarriage. πŸ˜₯ I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel. All I know is that it is killing me on the inside and it is starting to show on the outside. I told Keith last night that I felt numb. It make me cry so hard when I told him that. It’s not that I feel numb all the time but it has been more and more lately. I wish I knew how to stop it. Keith said he could feel me drawing away from him. I’m not meaning too but I know I have been. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We are happy most of the time but since the miscarriage we fight more and we don’t talk as much and so on. We still have our talks before bed and we still make love. So, I know we aren’t to far gone.

I don’t really believe that we are that far gone anyway. I just think we need to talk it out more and get it all of it out. We have held it in to long. I think that we just held it in for so long that this is what happens. I know it sounds crazy but I sincerely believe that’s what happen. That we keep trying to find ways to fill that void and nothing seems to be working. I just want the pain to stop and I know Keith feels the same way. Some days I feel like I use to and I hate that. I hate the fact I still have those feelings from time to time. Knowing that I have such a wonderful husband that loves me, that makes me so happy, that I make him so happy. It hurts. I fought so hard to get better and I will be damned if I get like that again.

I just want everything to be like it was before the miscarriage. The happy couple that never had a cross word, the couple that held each other close every night and. . . and just. . . I don’t know. I want us to be us again. I don’t know if that makes any since.

I hope this finds it way to Keith. I try talk to him but the words never come out right. I always seem to get lost in thought. I go to talk and my mouth never seems to move right. I never thought it would be hard to talk to Keith but it seems it has gotten to that point. Am I a horrible person . . . wife for feeling like that?

By Jenn

Beautiful, 30 something, geek by choice, happily married for 6+ years, college graduate, perfectly imperfect, blogger, fur mom, music lover! I'm tattooed, pierced & wild at times but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Project 42; the answer to life the universe and everything.

7 comments

  1. Hey there! Aw gosh I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriage, it must be awfully heartbreaking to have it happen to you. I hope things get better between you and Keith…starting off w/ small conversations will help. Take it easy

  2. It’s hard to go through something like that, and the feelings you have are natural. You just have to both make yourselves more open to each other, and share more, even if your words aren’t right, just keep talking and try to make them work. It just takes time for feelings like this to heal.

  3. It’s horrible what you’re going through. A miscarriage and a death are similar in greiving processes. It’s ok to be withdrawn and depressed. What might help shorten this process is if you get pregnant again, and hopefully with the doctor’s help have a healthy pregnancy.

  4. It’s so sad about what your going through. No matter what you have to be strong about it . It may be hard and i bet it is but you have to be strong. Its hard for you to talk to him but you might have to practice a bit first , or tell him to read this so he turly knows how you feel. Everything could go back to before but you just have to make it. I hope everything works out for you :heart:

  5. aww it’s definatly understandable how you feel!! A misscarriage is never easy on anyone. I’m sure you and Keith will still be strong at the end of it – and you’ll know for sure that you’re a strong couple if you can make it through this together πŸ™‚

  6. I miscarried my first pregnancy, too and we went through a very similar phase in the months that followed. It’s very hard to comprehend unless you’ve been there yourself, isn’t it?

    That was two years ago now and even though I’ve successfully had our little boy since (even though I didn’t think I could ever go through that kind of heartache again, we did conceive), there’s still rarely a day that goes by when I don’t think about it. It stops hurting, but it never goes away.

    Anyway, I know you don’t know me, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone who’s been where you are. Drop me a line or visit my site or get in touch anytime. Honestly. πŸ™‚

    Good luck – it all gets better, I promise.

    V xx

Comments are closed.