I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. I wish I could put them in to words. I don’t know if I can. Saturday would have been the due date of our child. I can’t believe it has already been 9 months. It is still hard today as it was 6 months ago when I had the miscarriage. 😥 I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel. All I know is that it is killing me on the inside and it is starting to show on the outside. I told Keith last night that I felt numb. It make me cry so hard when I told him that. It’s not that I feel numb all the time but it has been more and more lately. I wish I knew how to stop it. Keith said he could feel me drawing away from him. I’m not meaning too but I know I have been. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We are happy most of the time but since the miscarriage we fight more and we don’t talk as much and so on. We still have our talks before bed and we still make love. So, I know we aren’t to far gone.
I don’t really believe that we are that far gone anyway. I just think we need to talk it out more and get it all of it out. We have held it in to long. I think that we just held it in for so long that this is what happens. I know it sounds crazy but I sincerely believe that’s what happen. That we keep trying to find ways to fill that void and nothing seems to be working. I just want the pain to stop and I know Keith feels the same way. Some days I feel like I use to and I hate that. I hate the fact I still have those feelings from time to time. Knowing that I have such a wonderful husband that loves me, that makes me so happy, that I make him so happy. It hurts. I fought so hard to get better and I will be damned if I get like that again.
I just want everything to be like it was before the miscarriage. The happy couple that never had a cross word, the couple that held each other close every night and. . . and just. . . I don’t know. I want us to be us again. I don’t know if that makes any since.
I hope this finds it way to Keith. I try talk to him but the words never come out right. I always seem to get lost in thought. I go to talk and my mouth never seems to move right. I never thought it would be hard to talk to Keith but it seems it has gotten to that point. Am I a horrible person . . . wife for feeling like that?