So much as happen over the past few months, weeks and days. Nothing that is earth shattering but in the end, isn’t it always earth shattering. Something make my world come to a stop.
First, I guess I am done dealing with Heather. She is who she is and if I had it my way, I would never hear her name or hear about her ever again. Next.
Second, well, let’s see. As me and Greg was seeing each other. We spent some wonderful times together and I hope we can remain great friends and learn from it all. I can’t handle memories or let go of my past. Something is holding me tight and won’t let me go. I know a lot of it has to do with my ideas of what makes me happy. Whether it makes me truly happy or not.
Have you ever been happy in situations your in and be happy that it didn’t change? Let me give you an example. Everyone that knew me and Cody, knew we had a lot of fights. We stopped dating, stopped fighting and everything. Then I really start missing him. Hanging on. Is the fighting, yelling and drama what I missed or my love for him. What is it that I missed so much? Really, when it comes down to it. What makes me miss him dearly? He does have some great features about him. I love his boyish ways, the way he is growing up to become a man. I love the life he wants. His dreams, his goals. I really hate the fact, I couldn’t trust him in the end. That I felt it was built on lies and want to be hope.
Greg and me never had disagreements. And if we did, we talked it out and handled it. Went on with our lives. Never once letting it be the end or making it out to be a big deal. No matter how big or small. That should be how it is. That should be what I want.
I know we (Cody and I) both betrayed each other. We both thought one thing and show each other another. We both said and did things we shouldn’t have. I can’t take back my past. I will not. I can’t take back the hurt that I caused him or anyone else. I can hope that I can make up for it and make it better some how.
I can look in to Cody’s eyes and know that I love him. That I think and feel things for him that I have never felt before. He can make me angry, happy, upset, passionate all in one instant. No one has ever been able to do that to me. I have passion in my soul for him. He makes me weak and melt.
Greg, over all, nothing could be wrong with him. Girls, for real. Perfect in a relationship. This is what upsets me about the whole thing. For once in my life, it truly is me and not the other person. That stupid one liner, “It’s not your, it’s me.” OMG! Really, I know.
Cody told me. I want you happy. No matter if it is with me or not. Greg has said the same thing. I truly don’t want to fight over them or have one hate me or each other because of me. In a life with out me in it and Greg and Cody had met I really think they could have been friends. But that is a different story. :/
I want Greg and Cody happy. Cody said he had finally started to date someone when I stepped back in to his life. He has finally started to let go. I had too. I finally had started to let go. Well, what I thought was letting go.
What I thought was want I wanted in life. Isn’t and everything that I wanted before isn’t there. I really don’t have any set goals or anything. I thought I wanted the house, the kids, the 9-5. I know, I love the idea of marriage. I do believe I still want these things, but not right now.
I want fun and I want life to happen. I don’t want to wake up 40 and realize I haven’t done anything with my life. I have always been told I was 20 going on 40. Lighten up; to take things less seriously. I want to. I am always worried or freaking out about something. I want to chill out.
I can’t let go of it all. Cody asked me to be just “fuck” buddies or if I would want that. Or did I want to be with him or what I wanted. He says that he truly doesn’t know. He likes being with me. He likes being around me at times. At times? Really? I think I could handle being friends with him. Handle even being “buddies” but I know it would hurt at times. I really want 100% of someone. No worries, no regrets, not resentment because of a past we had together. I want a clear path. I want to run and find what I am looking for. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven’t. I don’t know any more. That is what scares me. I wrote in my twitter one time. “Today is a new day but tomorrow is what scares me.” Hell yeah, everything scares me.
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