Have you even been in love?

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. . .

You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like “maybe we should just be friends” or “how very perceptive” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I read this and felt it to be true. I can’t put in to words how I truly feel anymore. I keep getting the same words: confusion, anger, passion, and so many more words. Mainly confusion. I feel lonely and hurt. I feel betrayed.

I want to say I have given up on everyone but I know that is a lie. I know it isn’t true. I normally keep on loving no matter what. Hurt or not. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

I have watched people I love hurt themselves and others around them. I don’t get it. One word, one emotion can do so much. LOVE. Really. That word has so much power. So much feeling behind it. The only other word I know that has so much power is hate. So, close it is scary.

I have always felt you can’t hate anyone unless you have truly loved them. Even this being the case, I have never hated anyone. It isn’t in me to hate. I love so much. I have so much passion and feeling for so many people. Sometimes I get blown away by the amount of emotion I have for someone.

I have been where I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep living and sleeping next to that person anymore. I have also made mistakes. I have thought I was making the right choice and never not even once thought back. Then at times I have thought I made the right choice then soon after went “Oh, damn it. I messed up.”. I felt have done that. I want to build friendships again. I want to laugh and play and feel loved again. I am going to build my friendships back. Everything is going to fall in place the way it is suppose to. It will. I hope. 🙂