Have you even been in love?

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. . .

You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like “maybe we should just be friends” or “how very perceptive” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I read this and felt it to be true. I can’t put in to words how I truly feel anymore. I keep getting the same words: confusion, anger, passion, and so many more words. Mainly confusion. I feel lonely and hurt. I feel betrayed.

I want to say I have given up on everyone but I know that is a lie. I know it isn’t true. I normally keep on loving no matter what. Hurt or not. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

I have watched people I love hurt themselves and others around them. I don’t get it. One word, one emotion can do so much. LOVE. Really. That word has so much power. So much feeling behind it. The only other word I know that has so much power is hate. So, close it is scary.

I have always felt you can’t hate anyone unless you have truly loved them. Even this being the case, I have never hated anyone. It isn’t in me to hate. I love so much. I have so much passion and feeling for so many people. Sometimes I get blown away by the amount of emotion I have for someone.

I have been where I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep living and sleeping next to that person anymore. I have also made mistakes. I have thought I was making the right choice and never not even once thought back. Then at times I have thought I made the right choice then soon after went “Oh, damn it. I messed up.”. I felt have done that. I want to build friendships again. I want to laugh and play and feel loved again. I am going to build my friendships back. Everything is going to fall in place the way it is suppose to. It will. I hope. 🙂

Dear Cody,

Dear Cody,

It isn’t that I lied or cheated on you. I never did anything to hurt you on purpose. I do miss you. I miss things about you. I don’t miss how in the end how we treated each other. In the end, it was bad. The start was great. But over all, it wasn’t bad either. We both are at points in our lives that are making us who we are. You have the school thing and friends thing and party thing. This is what your suppose to be doing at your age.

I on the other hand, want a real life, work, a house, kids, a real life. We just can’t see eye to eye. I hope one day we can sit and have tea and laugh about the great times we had and forget the sad. I want you to find someone that makes you truly happy and loves all of you. I want you to work out all angry and just realize love is in the air. Love has always been there.

I know this want have any effect on you. You will still hate me. You will still think I am in the wrong. That I am nothing but a bitch, cunt and whore or slut. I am whatever you think I am. I will never be anything else but that to you.

That is okay. I wish you the best. With time I will forgive you. I will have forgot all the bad and move on to live a very happy life without you. To bad you couldn’t just be friends. You couldn’t just be happy with that. It was all or nothing for you. No middle ground.

Goodbye Cody. Sweet dreams. Goodnight forever.

— Jenn

I truly don’t get it

You know what I don’t get. Okay. So everyone gets what the hell is going on. We are going to have a couple named Boy and Girl. Boy and Girl is our friends. Well, was our friends. This is how it starts. Sit down for a while. I have a store for you.

Boy and girl love each. Have a few fights with each other. Like any other couple. Boy saves girl from a horrible live. (As I hear it. Still not sure the hole story but never the less) Saved her while still in high school. He talks his over bearing parents in to letting her live there. They date for a total of two years. Now in college. Girl is under a lot of stress. Working, going to school, boyfriend and what not. Totally understandable.

Boy and girl still in love. Nothing wrong. Now out of no where girl loses mind. Decides she can’t do this anymore. Has to go to the hospital for 72 hours before she can leave. The day she gets out her mother who hasn’t really been in the picture picks her up takes her to her house that is about 3 hours or more away. Talking her into moving there; leaving everyone and everything that has helped her get her life in order for the passed two years.

Her mother lets girl get away with everything. A tattoo, new piercings and what not. She decides to leave boy for a new boyfriend. (Let’s call him boy 2.) Mother lets girl let boy 2 stay the night, shower together, sleep together. Even when she knew boy 1 loves her more then anything. Boy 1’s family has signed bank notes and what not for her to go to college. Let her live in there house for a year. She had barely left boy 1 before she had cheated on him with boy 2. Girl and boy was waiting to do anything together until marriage. What the hell?

I truly don’t think girl loved boy. She has a fight with new boyfriend and runs to boy 1 for help. WTF?!? Boy 1 loves her so much that he listens. Helps her. His heart is breaking. . .She doesn’t seem to care. She says things just to hurt him. She even brings new boyfriend to boy 1’s house to get her stuff. If I had been boy 1 I would have kicked boy 2’s ass so hard he would have been coughing boot weeks from now.

God dang! That’s all I have. I don’t understand. But watching this really bad break up has made me truly look at my own relationship and think god I love him. That I know that he wouldn’t do that to me and I wouldn’t do that to him. I have more respect for him then that. That she didn’t love him or she wouldn’t have done that that way.

If she had wanted to break up. She could have done it in a way for him to understand. But no one around her understands. I know she hasn’t called me. I don’t hate her. I don’t. But I will never trust her again. I wish the best for her but I will never forgive her for hurting boy 1 that way. He is such a great person.

Around for 1,000 of miles

I feel like I’m all out of great ideas. I feel tired and ill. I don’t feel all here anymore. I’ve lost touch with myself and everything and everyone around me. I say things or do things and act ways that I know I shouldn’t but can’t help to keep doing it.

I cry for silly reasons and then ask myself later why. I beg for his attention and found myself lonely. I found myself feeling lonelier more each day. I feel like I don’t even know the man that I love.

I feel like he is repulsed by me. . .by my actions. . . I cry almost every night over something. I try to play with him or make him feel wanted and all I get is turned down over and over. I beg for him to notice my hurt and anger. I’m so sick and tired.

I love him. I do. I go out of my way for him and I know he does too for me at times. I try so hard for him. When I wanted to give up. I didn’t for him. When I’m upset I get compared to his mother and grandmother. That he refuses to deal with another women like them. All depressed and such. It hurts to be told he isn’t going to deal with my hurt, my pain or my anger. Why not? Does he not love me that much?

I can’t help the fact that I’m upset or sad at times. I try to be optimist. (I really do.) Or I use to be. When everything is going wrong. I don’t know how to look up anymore. I’ve got back to that point in my life. I’ve got to that edge again. I feel trapped and worthless.

I look at him and feel joy and pain. How can that be? I feel his touch and feel like it’s forced. As if he is only dealing with me until something or someone better comes a long. Why do I feel this way?

Last night I tried to kiss on him. To love on him. All I wanted is to be kissed back. My hair to be moved out of my face and for him to touch my skin softly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with me.

All I want is sex. As far he thinks. He doesn’t get it. NO, I want him. I want the closeness of it. I want to feel him so close. It makes me feel like I’m wanted. That he needs me.

Is that what it boils down too. I want him to need me. I want him to want me. Do I need that to be happy? Do I need to know those things? He says I love you. Is that enough? Or do I need more? I guess I’m to needy. I can see that. To needy. . .at times.

He says so much to me but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel his breath on my skin anymore. I don’t feel his touch so soft. I don’t feel his soul. . .I see a man before me but not the man that I love. The person that made everything okay. Not the man I fell in love with.

I feel so lost right now. I want to go climb in his arms and feel his warmth. I want to feel him breathing in my ears but I’m scared to death that it might be as cold as ice. That I might be climbing into his arms but feel even lonelier. Can that be? Can that happen?

Be sitting next to someone and feel like no one is around for 1,000 of miles? That can’t happen. . .but I do feel that way.

Nor do I

I feel so used sometimes. I know he doesn’t mean it that way. It feels sometimes that he always gets what he wants in the end and I am stuck doing all the dirty work. Even after everything is said and done.

I know he doesn’t get many days off from life and nor do I. I always feel like on my days off from everything I’m still stuck doing all the little things around the house because if I didn’t do them, they wouldn’t get done. Or I have things I have to get done around town or I have to go to EC (my hometown) for something. Always something. Never time down.

For once I want him to be like; don’t worry. I know he tells me “Go have fun. Do something you want to do. Shop. Or something like that.” I don’t want to shop for useless things. And on top of that, I don’t want to waste our money on stuff for me. I feel bad when I do that or I would never hear the end of it because we both know in the end I would get told I didn’t need to waste our money for stupid shit. I don’t have friends to hang out with. He knows I will stay here and get the necessary things done. I hope I’m right about he doesn’t realize I feel this way. I’m almost sure of it.

I’m not mad or upset because he has friends or on his time off he hangs out or does what he wants. I just want him to offer to help me out or offer to take his time to do what I have to do. It would be nice to just step back and truly breathe.

I’m kind of jealous of his life sometimes. . .he has so much going for him. I’m jealous because he is busy with important stuff. I’m stuck with the simple stuff. . .like working fast food and cleaning house. I hate my life sometimes. I do like the fact I have a nice place to live, I have a boyfriend that loves me but that’s it. That’s about the end of what I like about it. This upsets me.

I’m embarrassed to say what I do for a living. I’m embarrassed about all of it. I’m not important. . . Just jealous. . .I feel so. . .down.