It doesn’t matter what I accomplish in my life because this. . .

will ALWAYS define me. . .

People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.

I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?

I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.

Sometimes I feel like my infertility makes me a terrible person because I hate looking at social media and seeing everyone pregnant or just had a baby and I just want to de-friend each and everyone of them. I truly want to be happy but I have so much hate because they each one of them has the only thing I truly want. The one thing that I want to complete my family is the one thing I can’t get.

I am going under treatment for my infertility and I still haven’t got pregnant yet. I have only taken the Clomid only one cycle but my doctors told me not to take it this month since Kyle hasn’t had a chance to go to the urologist (Kyle has a low sperm count and we don’t know why since all his blood work came back normal). His appointment is at the end of this month, once he does that we find out his problem we go from there. I am so sick and tired of dealing with it out.

Why can’t it just happen? Why can’t I be the one? Why can’t I just be happy for everyone? I am so tired.

Another school semester is coming to a start and I am not looking forward to it at all. I just want to be done already. Thank the gods, I didn’t go to a college for a 4 year degree, I would be really angry right now. ;-( I love the idea of school but I turned 26 in November and I feel like I should be already passed this part of my life. I should be working on my career already, not dealing with school. I feel like I am behind because I waited to go to college. Which makes in reality my age, most everyone is done with college and going out but I decided to be a late bloomer. Normal. This has always been my case. I just wanted to live, not worry about all the bullshit, but “wanting to just live” does not pay bills as much as I would like for it too. And I’m tired of not having a career.

I want that, I want to be on a 9 – 5 life. But as of right now, I am on a second shift job, school during the day and no time for anything. See where I am going with this. Ahhh! I just want to scream.

I feel so far behind. . .

I swear I am so tired but I have no reason to be. I just haven’t really got use to working yet. But over all I truly do love my job. Is it something I want to do for the rest of my life, no, is it something I can do right now to make good money? Yes. 😀 I got my first paycheck yesterday, for one week after tax, it was for 40 hours $331.25. So I am thinking for every two weeks around $660 give or take. I am looking forward to those paychecks. XD

I have to go fix my review mirror in my car, I was driving to school the other day and I went to adjust it. It just fell off! Are you for real? Kidding me, right? Nope. Just my luck.

Also, my oral surgery had to be canceled because Kyle’s dental doesn’t cover it. I am going to have to wait for mine to kick in in 90 days. :blah: We really don’t have the money to pay almost $600 out of pocket right now. I asked for a payment plan, no. Pay in full. Thanks assholes, even ShopNBC does Value Pay. lol