“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” –Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been wanting to update but who has the time. I mean, I guess I have had the time. Over all I just felt like I haven’t.
My in-laws moved back from Florida this past November and had been staying with us until this past week when they got their own place. It just took them a little longer than they wanted to find the right one. Then like normal I have Meadow every weekend. I keep Zoe (my friend’s little girl, she’s 6 years old) every day, well, I put her on the bus, get her off the bus and do all homework every day. Sometimes, have her more often then that.
Plus, I coupon still. I have also started cleaning Kyle’s grandmother apartment once a month and cleaning for my grandmother about 2 – 3 times monthly and I have to do all grocery shopping for my grandmother since my step-grandfather got sick. It makes it hard to have time management skills, if you don’t have time to manage. I also still have to keep up with our normal house stuff and animals and what not. It makes normal living hard when you have so many people pulling on you each way.
We are still trying to have a baby, which we know we still have to do IVF. We hope to start that this spring. Money is always playing the biggest part in that. We have been working on paying off credit debit and improving credit scores and what not. Plus, trying to improve our home a little at a time. Which isn’t easy nor cheap. It all takes time. . .which feels like we don’t have.
I turn 30 this year and I feel like the clock is just ticking away. I feel the clock just ticking louder and louder. Which I hate. The joys of beating teen pregnancy, and 20 something pregnancy. I just don’t know if I can handle turning 30 and being childless. We are suppose to have our family now. We did everything right. We work, we pay bills, we got the house, we got married. We have the “american” dream. Why can’t we have this? Why does my bank account decide if we can try to have kids?
It feels like every meth-head around me is having baby after baby. Every unemployed mother/father living off the government can have a baby but because we do the right thing and my body, my husband’s body (we are the 20% that infertility effects both people) can’t do the one thing it is suppose to do we can’t get help. How is that fair? The government will pay for WIC, food stamps and medical care for all these people, but won’t help me become pregnant. Or help pay half the bill, anything at this point would help. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe if I had been irresponsible as a teen or as a young adult it would be different, I could have 2 or 3 kids with as many baby-daddies and let them pay the bill. But at last, I did the right thing, waited till I was married, ready to have kids. And then, I feel like it’s now almost to late. Which I know is silly, women now have kids almost to 40. Just feels silly sometimes. Hurtful somehow.
3 years ago today Kyle & I got engaged. It was just another step closer to our happily ever after.
“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…” –-Ryan Gosling, The Notebook