Archive for January, 2008

Amazing Journey

January 29

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours-it is an amazing journey-and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. — Unknown

Maybe my life hasn’t begun. I truly enjoy knowing others need me and I need someone. I need a few things in life to be happy. One being love, to love someone and to get that love in return. Friends being another one. I love being able to hang out or talk whenever. Having my own space. I miss this at times. I miss not sharing anything but there again I love it too. 😆 I love sharing my house with my other half. I love being able to have my own space too. I think everyone is like that.

I miss my friends in Glasgow. I miss so much from my past. I enjoy my life now. I love so much of it. It’s hard to put into words. I don’t blame anyone for where I’m at in life. I am my own person. I have made every choice for myself. . .not much help from others.

I feel like I need to change things for the better. I need to take charge of my life. I rely on a lot of people. I use to not be that way. I felt like if I can’t do it, then I didn’t need to. I had my own place; by myself. I paid for everything, didn’t care what anyone thought. I did what I wanted and didn’t answer to no one. I was also very lonely during those times. I cried a lot. I had fun at times but over all even thou I had my friends near, I was kind of dating and what not. I was very lonely. I felt empty among groups of people and I felt lost.

At times I miss the people of my past. I wish I could have them near. I wish my past was different. At times I wish now was different. But I don’t know what I want different. I’m not sure what I would change, if I would change anything.

I miss the idea of marriage. I miss the idea that I was almost a mother. I miss the idea of maybe buying a house and working the 9-5. I also don’t miss the fighting and the yelling and never getting anywhere. Always behind and feeling lost. . .again. I do miss the friendship; the closeness we had. I do miss him. . .at times it still hurts. Those months like March and October. Those months hurt the most. The child we almost had. :worried:

I do love the man I’m with. Very much. I worry he truly doesn’t get me but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to work. I want to be happy. I use to see myself spending the rest of my life with someone else. Now, I try to see myself with him. I do at times. Others; I see us going our own way and being happy that we touched each others lives. I know he loves me. I know he cares.

I feel these emotions from him. But for a while now I also felt rage, fear or passion. So many emotions. Manly anger. I felt so alone at those times. I can’t count how many nights I cried myself to sleep or how many times I had to beg him not to go. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame anyone. I’m not mad at him or anything like that. I don’t resent him for it. I love him. But is it true; love is blind? It hurts to think of us not together. It hurts to breath and I feel sick to think about it. At times I want him so close. I love coming home to him.

I’m not even sure anymore what my point was. I don’t have a reason for this. I’m even sure why I wrote all of this. I have so much inside. I don’t even think I have anyone I can talk to anymore.

One last thought. . .does he love me like I need him too?

PS: The move went great. Been here a week now.

Moving. . .Again

January 21

I’m moving. I have to call about getting my net back up in or under a week. As soon as that happens I will be able to check updates and what not.

Chet if your reading this. I haven’t had time to call but I’m not been getting your emails.

Christina try calling me tonight after 10.

Jenni I got your txt. I promise to get back with you after the move.

Love everyone. Wish me luck. xox

Why Care Any More

January 9

“Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot.” — English subtitle used in a Hong Kong film

Today was a snow day from school. I was glad. I got a lot done. I moved some of my stuff back to mom’s house. I swear Chris and I have the worse luck. But everything will be okay. I swear it will be. I have hope and that’s all I need…wait, that’s all we need.

I put up a new layout. You like?

Don’t ask about my mood? I am going to write more about that tonight.

I’m off for right now…..later.

Daily life | Comments off

Times like these

January 3

“In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.” –Paul Harvey

I’m at times lost with myself. Feeling like I have no where to turn. I don’t have an up or a down. I feel like I’m stuck. Then at other times I feel so overwhelmed or feel so happy it almost hurts. Is that possible. To feel so happy it almost hurts. That doesn’t make sense does it. I don’t know how to put it in to words. I want to be able to put all my thoughts in to words.