Sercets

Deer hunting, rocks and tripping acid

When I was a child my family would travel
Down to Western Kentucky where my parents were born
And there’s a backwards old town that’s often remembered
So many times that my memories are worn
–John Prine, Paradise

That last line of the song is what I wanted to point out. I really feel that way. So many times that my memories are worn. I sit back and remember all the good and bad times. Funny and embarrassed moments. All between moments. Like today I was thinking about the first time I hung out with Dustan and Connie.

The title of the entry will mean nothing to anyone else but Cody, Dustan and Connie. The four of us have that memory. I miss the fun moments of the past. I really don’t miss any of the other moments. Well, besides the happy ones. lol

I really like my life right now. I don’t like every like thing but you know what? I have been sadder, and I have been happier. I guess everything is going to work out. Well, at least I hope so. 🙂

I have a lot on my mind tonight. Not sure if I will update again or not. I have been working on tagging all my old entries. I have got done with 2008, 2007 and working on 2006. I uploaded all my old entries. That didn’t take long once I got it done.

Doom or Soul mate?

As I sit here at my computer desk. A lone in the house. I really realize something. Not that I am doom to say this way forever but I am doomed with how I feel. I am doom to keep holding on. Not sure what or why I am holding on to it. Most people are not going to know what I am talking about. But I will go a head and enlighten the whole class. I do very much still love Cody. I don’t know why I do. It’s silly. I know. I miss his touch. His smell. His skin. HIM! I’m am retard. I know. Stop with the looks. God dang!

As Buster said, “Why? You have a perfectly good husband.” He is right. Greg did nothing wrong. That is why I don’t know why I can’t get over this. Something is holding me to him. As I have said I can’t let go and I don’t know why. As Cody has said before, he can’t let go either. He doesn’t know why.

I really wish I did. I want to know what makes me keep dreaming about him. What makes me keep checking his status on sites. Why I get all giggly when I get a text or a call. How happy I am I get to see him for a moment before or after work. I am a horrible person.

This is a stupid reason but one time Cody and I did this whole talking to the “dead” thing. I’m not sure if I believe it or not but whatever. And we would ask questions and one question was “Is me and Cody soul mates?” It said “Yes”. I never questioned it after that. Not once. I am very careful about those words. I don’t just say them to anyone. Love maybe, yes. But not the word soul mate. I really think that is why I can’t let go. So, silly.

Maybe that is it. I am doom to follow my soul mate forever. Sounds romantic but it really isn’t. It is but it isn’t. Does that make sense? I can’t let go because my soul won’t. That has to be it. Everyone has that one person. Does soul mates happen? Are they real? I think so. . .

Words that I can never get out of my head. At least on my mind two out of every ten minutes. “Soul mate”, “love”, “confused”, “happy”, “tainted”, “pissed” and “hurt”. Yeah, I think I covered them. How upsetting?

Save me, please

I have given up on love. I swear. I do love. I love very much but all it does is cause me more confusion and more hurt.

What do you do when the one you want to save you doesn’t want you anymore? What do you do when your jealous of the actions of a man you don’t want to be with? What do you do when your hurt by a friendly hug but you want that hug?

I don’t know if it hurts less or hurts more to get those friendly touches. :/

I’m so lost. :save me: Just save me please.

Here is to you: Christina

I wrote on Twitter Everyone has secret and they help me remember, that everyone is human. No one is perfect and everyone is as scared as I am. I truly believe this, our secrets are what helps define us, what helps create ourselves. Our secrets shape all of us, in some shape or form.

No one, and I mean, no one tells 100% of what they feel, think or what. Everyone day dreams, everyone has something they keep locked away. I feel for people, thoughts of people and even day dreams of people. These feelings, thoughts and such are not bad, not good or anything just that feelings and thoughts. Their my secrets.

I do believe I can be honest with my self and say, at times I have felt regret, I have and do feel of love and hate and lust and passion. I am human. I have and still do make mistakes and will never be perfect. I like it that way.

I have told people for years now that I do not make regrets. I can only make up for them. Why regret, you can’t take back your actions. But as I stated, everyone feels regret at times, even myself. Why didn’t I do this or say this? Why did I even do that? lol

I like to replay things in my head. Moments, days, even actions from years ago. I step back and think, OMG, really? Are you kidding me? But that’s okay, that’s my secret. That is one of many.

I can say their is one person, that I share everything I could think of. I want to thank her. I want her to know, I love you. You have listened, you have cried with me. Watched me make my mistakes and even helped me decided to do some of them. You let me learn and grow as a human, as a person. You didn’t judge, you didn’t question me. You truly are one of the greatest people I know. So, here is to you Christina. Thank you. I love you for being such a best friend over the past 8. . .9 years now. Let’s tip up our glasses to another 80 years to kickin’ it! 🙂

PS: Who would have thought Pick-Me.Net could have found such a awesome friendship. I heart my Christina!!! Thanks for hosting me so many years ago.

Today is a new day but tomorrow is what scares me

So much as happen over the past few months, weeks and days. Nothing that is earth shattering but in the end, isn’t it always earth shattering. Something make my world come to a stop.

First, I guess I am done dealing with Heather. She is who she is and if I had it my way, I would never hear her name or hear about her ever again. Next.

Second, well, let’s see. As me and Greg was seeing each other. We spent some wonderful times together and I hope we can remain great friends and learn from it all. I can’t handle memories or let go of my past. Something is holding me tight and won’t let me go. I know a lot of it has to do with my ideas of what makes me happy. Whether it makes me truly happy or not.

Have you ever been happy in situations your in and be happy that it didn’t change? Let me give you an example. Everyone that knew me and Cody, knew we had a lot of fights. We stopped dating, stopped fighting and everything. Then I really start missing him. Hanging on. Is the fighting, yelling and drama what I missed or my love for him. What is it that I missed so much? Really, when it comes down to it. What makes me miss him dearly? He does have some great features about him. I love his boyish ways, the way he is growing up to become a man. I love the life he wants. His dreams, his goals. I really hate the fact, I couldn’t trust him in the end. That I felt it was built on lies and want to be hope.

Greg and me never had disagreements. And if we did, we talked it out and handled it. Went on with our lives. Never once letting it be the end or making it out to be a big deal. No matter how big or small. That should be how it is. That should be what I want.

I know we (Cody and I) both betrayed each other. We both thought one thing and show each other another. We both said and did things we shouldn’t have. I can’t take back my past. I will not. I can’t take back the hurt that I caused him or anyone else. I can hope that I can make up for it and make it better some how.

I can look in to Cody’s eyes and know that I love him. That I think and feel things for him that I have never felt before. He can make me angry, happy, upset, passionate all in one instant. No one has ever been able to do that to me. I have passion in my soul for him. He makes me weak and melt.

Greg, over all, nothing could be wrong with him. Girls, for real. Perfect in a relationship. This is what upsets me about the whole thing. For once in my life, it truly is me and not the other person. That stupid one liner, “It’s not your, it’s me.” OMG! Really, I know.

Cody told me. I want you happy. No matter if it is with me or not. Greg has said the same thing. I truly don’t want to fight over them or have one hate me or each other because of me. In a life with out me in it and Greg and Cody had met I really think they could have been friends. But that is a different story. :/

I want Greg and Cody happy. Cody said he had finally started to date someone when I stepped back in to his life. He has finally started to let go. I had too. I finally had started to let go. Well, what I thought was letting go.

What I thought was want I wanted in life. Isn’t and everything that I wanted before isn’t there. I really don’t have any set goals or anything. I thought I wanted the house, the kids, the 9-5. I know, I love the idea of marriage. I do believe I still want these things, but not right now.

I want fun and I want life to happen. I don’t want to wake up 40 and realize I haven’t done anything with my life. I have always been told I was 20 going on 40. Lighten up; to take things less seriously. I want to. I am always worried or freaking out about something. I want to chill out.

I can’t let go of it all. Cody asked me to be just “fuck” buddies or if I would want that. Or did I want to be with him or what I wanted. He says that he truly doesn’t know. He likes being with me. He likes being around me at times. At times? Really? I think I could handle being friends with him. Handle even being “buddies” but I know it would hurt at times. I really want 100% of someone. No worries, no regrets, not resentment because of a past we had together. I want a clear path. I want to run and find what I am looking for. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven’t. I don’t know any more. That is what scares me. I wrote in my twitter one time. “Today is a new day but tomorrow is what scares me.” Hell yeah, everything scares me.