Archive for Scared

To simple it seems

October 10

I keep writing the same thing. Save me. What does those words really mean at this point? What I need and what I really want is two very different things. Save me. Two very simple words. Very strong simple words.

I like to think I have been a very strong person. That I have been a very willful person. Does that make sense? I mean, really? I know it doesn’t. It’s cool. I never make sense. Most people that know me, doesn’t truly know me. They know a person I project.

I haven’t really been truthful to many people. Not many people around me sees the person I am. In side I am screaming at the top of my lungs for help. Save me. Those words again. What do I need to be saved from? Myself. No, never. That can’t be.

Or again, I am fighting a battle I can’t win. Most likely the case. Silly me. Fighting for this, fighting this stupid battle. Lets see what happens, happen. No, nothing works out that way. Or does it. Well, for some it does. Not me, never for me. Wait, my optimist side is showing. That’s me Miss Sunshine herself. No, wait. That is a lie too.

Call me Emo, or Sad or whatever the word. I am me. Scared. Has secret. Has lies. Has some much hidden. Not many people see this side. I wish they knew. Everyone has secret. Mine just happen to be big. . .not really. Same secrets as everyone else.

It hurts to know something about people. The little stuff is what hurts. I can seem to forgive about the big stuff. The little stuff is what hurts. The little comments or action that cuts right to the soul. It’s hard to watch your soul mate walk away. To tell you “Cake, yum. Can I have it and eat it too?” Why not? Silly me.

I can’t believe how I feel. Silly me. Save me. Simple so fucking simple. Maybe that is the problem in itself. Nothing is simple but this one thing. Truly is. How odd? How funny? How queer? Not really. I have become mad.

As The Fairy Tail Turns

October 6

Once there was a girl. A very beautiful girl. She was very lost. Lost in a dark evil forest. Very lonely. Maybe to lonely. She feels like she might see light at the end of the forest. Maybe day. . .maybe silly magic at the end of the forest. Is her heart, her eyes playing tricks on her?

I do believe so. She stays lost and confused about her surrounds. She sees passer by and she speaks. No one hears her voice. She touches their face to only find ghost. Left over ghost of pass moments. A very nasty trick you ask me.

Her heart beats for her soul mate. She thinks she might see him at the end of this forest. Is she doomed to walk alone? Is she doomed to only see ghost forever?

Tune in next week for the conclusion of “As The Fairy Tail Turns”

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Tomorrow is a new day

April 6

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours-it is an amazing journey-and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. — Unknown

I posted this a few months ago. This same quote. I don’t think of it as mine own now nor did I then. My life never feels safe anymore. I don’t feel what I use to and I sure as hell don’t feel the same now.

I don’t feel lost anymore. I don’t feel anger. I feel for the people around me. I want closeness. I don’t get it but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it.

I want to go hang out when I want without being worried that I will have to come home to someone that will be mad. When they was doing the same thing 6 months ago. When he wanted to do it, it was all fine. I know he will most likely be mad about this too. Surprise. I’m sick and tired of him thinking I’m always in the wrong. I know I’m not perfect. I know I mess up. I know I am wrong. . .a lot. I’m not wrong for wanting to be happy. To want to have fun.

I want him to realize. We should be doing this whole life thing together, no fighting it with each but fighting it for each other. You know what I mean? I am happy at times. Happier than I had ever been. Then their is times I cry and I get worried and I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lost.

Maybe things will get better. I can hope. Tomorrow is a new day.

Where did it go. . .

November 6

Another day has come and gone. In 6 days I will be 22. WTF? When did this happen? When did I wake up and realize I’m 21? Where did the time go? It seems like last week I was 16, didn’t have a care in the world. But now, I’m 22.

My dad once told me “Your wishing your life away.” I never did believe him. He also said “You wish you was 16, then 18, then 21 before you know it you wake up 40 with a house, kids, etc.” I never truly believed him until later. Here I am, blinking and now my life is flashing before my eyes. When did it happen? I’m so scared I’m going to wake up 40. That scares the living hell out of me. I’m missing the best years of my life. I believe next year I will set goals. One, going back to school (maybe a degree in Business math or something like that), two, get my own place with NO room mates (nothing wrong with room mates); just us two and kitty, three, buy myself something for no good reason. Yeah, sounds easy. . .never easy. lol I will be making more money, CJ will have a job and everything will come together. 😉 I have hopes. I have dreams. I once read in someones blog “All Dreams are Dead. So make new ones”. This I will do.

New dreams, new beginings, new life. I have what it takes. I’m smart. I’m a great person. I am ME!!

Finally finishing

July 2

I am finally finishing up the packing and tomorrow is the big day. OMG! I can’t believe I will be moving again. You know how bad that sucks. I hate moving but I love the fact that I will have two other room mates. One being my boyfriend.

So much has happen in the last few mouths. I wish I new how to put into words how I feel about everything. I can’t. I don’t think I will be able too.

I will be starting back at a new Wendy’s next week. I am so scared about it. The store is a little bigger then the one that I can from. I am just worried. I know it will be easier coming in as a boss and not as crew then boss. I hope I can be as good as I was. I was only out of work a mouth. Nothing big. lol

I hope me working 40 hours a week and CJ going to school/working/being in a play will work out. I don’t want to lose him. I am so happy again. I know this move is big but not really. I just worry that we won’t see each other like we do now. I know I will have to work a lot of odd hours but over all I will have enough money to put back to get a nice car and get some well needed stuff for me. I need some new pants really bad. I truly just want to have some money to get what I want with out worrying so much all the damn time.

Well, this will be my last post for a few. I’m updating from CJ’s computer since my net has already been turned off. I’m sure he will let me get on here to update. 🙂