People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.
I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?
I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.
OMG, this is the second time I am typing out this entry due to my server just stop responding, then throwing a “Database Error” then when I click back it just has nothing shown and WordPress hasn’t “auto saved”. Almost every night around this time this happens. I am starting to get upset by this just because I am trying to blog more but every time I do I lose it. Then it makes me mad so I don’t want to re do it. Blah. So, I guess I will just start typing everything in Evernote, that way I know it’s saved. I can copy and paste with the best of them.
On to what the entry was suppose to be about. I feel like life has been passing me by the last couple of months but this is no surprise since I got older time doesn’t slow down at all. I remember when I was a kid summer lasted forever! I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Now, I wake up a new month as started. I am still dating checks for 2011. This fixing to be May what is wrong with me.
We have still been looking at houses and we haven’t found anything we like really. Everything that is in our price range isn’t really worth our time. To much work needs to be done to it to move in. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of a “fixer-upper” but black mold isn’t on my top 10 things to live with. Just saying. :poke:
Cammie and I have been talking and trying to get some ideas together for her next visit coming this July. I think we have a couple places I know we want to do for sure. Zoo. FTW! 😀 Also, the more I talk to Kyle about it, the more he wants to come with us as well. 😀 We are pretty awesome like that.
I also renewed my Flickr pro account and uploaded a butt ton of photos there.
Well, I need to catch a shower before I head to bed. I have to be up early in the morning so I can go with my grandma to the doctor. Then we are going to go shopping then who knows what else.