11Feb   Time where did it go

Time WHY

It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been wanting to update but who has the time. I mean, I guess I have had the time. Over all I just felt like I haven’t.

My in-laws moved back from Florida this past November and had been staying with us until this past week when they got their own place. It just took them a little longer than they wanted to find the right one. Then like normal I have Meadow every weekend. I keep Zoe (my friend’s little girl, she’s 6 years old) every day, well, I put her on the bus, get her off the bus and do all homework every day. Sometimes, have her more often then that.

Plus, I coupon still. I have also started cleaning Kyle’s grandmother apartment once a month and cleaning for my grandmother about 2 – 3 times monthly and I have to do all grocery shopping for my grandmother since my step-grandfather got sick. It makes it hard to have time management skills, if you don’t have time to manage. I also still have to keep up with our normal house stuff and animals and what not. It makes normal living hard when you have so many people pulling on you each way.

We are still trying to have a baby, which we know we still have to do IVF. We hope to start that this spring. Money is always playing the biggest part in that. We have been working on paying off credit debit and improving credit scores and what not. Plus, trying to improve our home a little at a time. Which isn’t easy nor cheap. It all takes time. . .which feels like we don’t have.

I turn 30 this year and I feel like the clock is just ticking away. I feel the clock just ticking louder and louder. Which I hate. The joys of beating teen pregnancy, and 20 something pregnancy. I just don’t know if I can handle turning 30 and being childless. We are suppose to have our family now. We did everything right. We work, we pay bills, we got the house, we got married. We have the “american” dream. Why can’t we have this? Why does my bank account decide if we can try to have kids?

It feels like every meth-head around me is having baby after baby. Every unemployed mother/father living off the government can have a baby but because we do the right thing and my body, my husband’s body (we are the 20% that infertility effects both people) can’t do the one thing it is suppose to do we can’t get help. How is that fair? The government will pay for WIC, food stamps and medical care for all these people, but won’t help me become pregnant. Or help pay half the bill, anything at this point would help. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe if I had been irresponsible as a teen or as a young adult it would be different, I could have 2 or 3 kids with as many baby-daddies and let them pay the bill. But at last, I did the right thing, waited till I was married, ready to have kids. And then, I feel like it’s now almost to late. Which I know is silly, women now have kids almost to 40. Just feels silly sometimes. Hurtful somehow.


25Feb   Infertility is all too heartbreaking

ivf18

People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.

I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?

ivf30

I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.


24Feb   Doing the adult thing

I am glad we did our taxes and didn’t have to pay in. We already got our state back, all $45. Now we are waiting on our Federal which should be here Wednesday. We are getting enough back we can pay off at least our lawn mower we were leasing, a couple credit cards and new glasses. It won’t leave any really to put back in savings but getting a few things paid off will. Plus, I should be starting my second job very soon. That is where I am putting money back to pay things off. That second income will go right into savings and only touched to pay off the credit cards. We only have around $5,000 in debit but I want it gone.

I also want to start saving for our IVF and pay off some all bills on my credit report to bring it up. I want those things gone so we can move forward with getting small loans to upgrade things around our house. I want new hard wood floors and new carpet in the house. If I keep my second job, we most likely won’t have to get loans we may just pay up front if we can every get everything going to plan.

The joys of being an adult. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that this would be fun and I have no clue why I thought being an adult would be. lol.


13Feb   Second Job

I have finally found a second job after searching for a few months. Between mine and Kyle’s paychecks we pay all bills just fine but the extra stuff we need extra income for (IVF, credit card debit, maybe a vacation). A second job would help with these things. I had an interview the week before last and last week I got the call I got the job. I am waiting on my background check and then I start. I’m looking forward to getting out of the house some. My primary job I work as a caregiver and I make my own hours and work from home. No need to leave besides to leave with my client.

Two jobs will be a little harder to deal with but if I can go to college full time and have a job full time. Two part time jobs will be fine. Just have to get to use to everything.

I know the puppies will miss me being here. But I am sure they will be fine.


24Dec   A sad Christmas for us

Friday (12.20.13), Kyle & I learned we will never conceive children naturally. Our only hope most likely will be IVF. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

People who have biological children don’t really understand what it’s like to realize there is a very real chance you will NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Hence, even considering adoption takes a huge leap of faith because as much as you will love any child you may adopt, they will never be the combination of you and your partner’s genes.

Every holiday with family that has babies/children is a kick in the womb. All I can think about is how Kyle & I might not ever get the chance so many bad parents take for granted. How unfair is that? I feel like my infertility is consuming me. I hate the person I’m turning into because of it. I’ve never been the one for being jealous of anyone but I am. I’m jealous that to me everyone has the only thing I can’t have: a child.

At what length is too great to try to make your family complete? How much money is too much to spend? How long is to long? When is it time to realize your womb, your family, your whole idea for what you wanted might never be? When is it time to except your dreams are broken? When?