People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.
I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?
I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.
I am glad we did our taxes and didn’t have to pay in. We already got our state back, all $45. Now we are waiting on our Federal which should be here Wednesday. We are getting enough back we can pay off at least our lawn mower we were leasing, a couple credit cards and new glasses. It won’t leave any really to put back in savings but getting a few things paid off will. Plus, I should be starting my second job very soon. That is where I am putting money back to pay things off. That second income will go right into savings and only touched to pay off the credit cards. We only have around $5,000 in debit but I want it gone.
I also want to start saving for our IVF and pay off some all bills on my credit report to bring it up. I want those things gone so we can move forward with getting small loans to upgrade things around our house. I want new hard wood floors and new carpet in the house. If I keep my second job, we most likely won’t have to get loans we may just pay up front if we can every get everything going to plan.
The joys of being an adult. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that this would be fun and I have no clue why I thought being an adult would be. lol.
I have finally found a second job after searching for a few months. Between mine and Kyle’s paychecks we pay all bills just fine but the extra stuff we need extra income for (IVF, credit card debit, maybe a vacation). A second job would help with these things. I had an interview the week before last and last week I got the call I got the job. I am waiting on my background check and then I start. I’m looking forward to getting out of the house some. My primary job I work as a caregiver and I make my own hours and work from home. No need to leave besides to leave with my client.
Two jobs will be a little harder to deal with but if I can go to college full time and have a job full time. Two part time jobs will be fine. Just have to get to use to everything.
I know the puppies will miss me being here. But I am sure they will be fine.
I guess I have decided not to buy the car. I’m very sure I could get the loan since I started working but I don’t want to add another payment on to our bills each month until I get all of my doctor bills paid for. I don’t want to make us run low when we don’t have too. You know?
Anyway, Spunky has a vet visit today. His stupid allergies are acting up again since Spring is on its way. The grass makes his eyes water and he is starching himself to death. He has no fleas, so I know that can’t be it. This happen last year too. He gets a shot he feels better. One a month until allergy season is gone. The joys of having a pet. But you know, I wouldn’t trade him for anything.
Just an update since I am trying to get back into this whole blogging thing. I don’t really remember it being this hard. Hmm.