Time where did it go

Time WHY

It’s been a while since I last updated. I’ve been wanting to update but who has the time. I mean, I guess I have had the time. Over all I just felt like I haven’t.

My in-laws moved back from Florida this past November and had been staying with us until this past week when they got their own place. It just took them a little longer than they wanted to find the right one. Then like normal I have Meadow every weekend. I keep Zoe (my friend’s little girl, she’s 6 years old) every day, well, I put her on the bus, get her off the bus and do all homework every day. Sometimes, have her more often then that.

Plus, I coupon still. I have also started cleaning Kyle’s grandmother apartment once a month and cleaning for my grandmother about 2 – 3 times monthly and I have to do all grocery shopping for my grandmother since my step-grandfather got sick. It makes it hard to have time management skills, if you don’t have time to manage. I also still have to keep up with our normal house stuff and animals and what not. It makes normal living hard when you have so many people pulling on you each way.

We are still trying to have a baby, which we know we still have to do IVF. We hope to start that this spring. Money is always playing the biggest part in that. We have been working on paying off credit debit and improving credit scores and what not. Plus, trying to improve our home a little at a time. Which isn’t easy nor cheap. It all takes time. . .which feels like we don’t have.

I turn 30 this year and I feel like the clock is just ticking away. I feel the clock just ticking louder and louder. Which I hate. The joys of beating teen pregnancy, and 20 something pregnancy. I just don’t know if I can handle turning 30 and being childless. We are suppose to have our family now. We did everything right. We work, we pay bills, we got the house, we got married. We have the “american” dream. Why can’t we have this? Why does my bank account decide if we can try to have kids?

It feels like every meth-head around me is having baby after baby. Every unemployed mother/father living off the government can have a baby but because we do the right thing and my body, my husband’s body (we are the 20% that infertility effects both people) can’t do the one thing it is suppose to do we can’t get help. How is that fair? The government will pay for WIC, food stamps and medical care for all these people, but won’t help me become pregnant. Or help pay half the bill, anything at this point would help. It just doesn’t seem fair. Maybe if I had been irresponsible as a teen or as a young adult it would be different, I could have 2 or 3 kids with as many baby-daddies and let them pay the bill. But at last, I did the right thing, waited till I was married, ready to have kids. And then, I feel like it’s now almost to late. Which I know is silly, women now have kids almost to 40. Just feels silly sometimes. Hurtful somehow.

Infertility is all too heartbreaking

ivf18

People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.

I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?

ivf30

I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.

WHY, WHY. . .because it’s me. . .

Here I am again blogging on Evernote because my blog won’t load. All my other sites load, so I know it’s not my server. It’s an issue on my end. I have done everything I can think of but it’s really starting to get old. We pay extra to have faster internet and half the time it doesn’t work at all or it’s slower then what we would be paying for “regular” speed internet. I am so mad because we pay $49.99 a month. That isn’t cheap.

What is really messed up? I can visit my site with a proxy and it shows fine, I can ping it, shows online. I go to it just in a normal browser, shows Server not found. WTF??? :-((

I guess I will work on another domain. I bought jennifer-cowles.me and got jennifer-cowles.org free with a NameCheap.Com promo going on the month I got married. (November of last year) Oops! I know what I want to do with it. Make it my portfolio, with resume and all. I have all these wonderful ideas but never no time to do it. I have to turn in one more page of homework and do one more test for my SQL class tonight. Then I will be done with it, then take one last test in my Data-Driven Design class Monday. Then this semester is done with. Shit, I have my math final but whatever. I am almost done. There is light at the end of this semester.

reminder: find out how to speed up Firefox or get a new browser like ASAP. I am sick and tired of every time I go to load a page, it freezes and waits about 30 secs or longer depending on it’s own sweet time. Then it un-freezes and decides to work. WTF? WHY? WHY would you do this to me???

/end reminder

I want to upload my #photoadayapril photos and start doing quotes every Tuesday again. Maybe I can get some together tonight.

Also, I am really enjoying using Evernote. I have had it downloaded for months now. Using it for this or that but it works nice for times like these. I can write, it saves the time, entry, title and I can just copy/paste it over. Edit the time in WordPress and move on. I can add tags and all. I am in love all over again. Score one for Jenn.

Random thought: 134643

Why move back when you can keep running from everything you left? Just saying. I have so much angry right now for this person. No respect for herself or others.

It takes a bigger person to face their problems / issues then it does to run from them. #imjustsaying

/end rant two tonight

Life is happening right before my eyes

OMG, this is the second time I am typing out this entry due to my server just stop responding, then throwing a “Database Error” then when I click back it just has nothing shown and WordPress hasn’t “auto saved”. Almost every night around this time this happens. I am starting to get upset by this just because I am trying to blog more but every time I do I lose it. Then it makes me mad so I don’t want to re do it. Blah. So, I guess I will just start typing everything in Evernote, that way I know it’s saved. I can copy and paste with the best of them.

/end rant

On to what the entry was suppose to be about. I feel like life has been passing me by the last couple of months but this is no surprise since I got older time doesn’t slow down at all. I remember when I was a kid summer lasted forever! I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Now, I wake up a new month as started. I am still dating checks for 2011. This fixing to be May what is wrong with me.

We have still been looking at houses and we haven’t found anything we like really. Everything that is in our price range isn’t really worth our time. To much work needs to be done to it to move in. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of a “fixer-upper” but black mold isn’t on my top 10 things to live with. Just saying. :poke:

Cammie and I have been talking and trying to get some ideas together for her next visit coming this July. I think we have a couple places I know we want to do for sure. Zoo. FTW! ๐Ÿ˜€ Also, the more I talk to Kyle about it, the more he wants to come with us as well. ๐Ÿ˜€ We are pretty awesome like that.

I also renewed my Flickr pro account and uploaded a butt ton of photos there.

Well, I need to catch a shower before I head to bed. I have to be up early in the morning so I can go with my grandma to the doctor. Then we are going to go shopping then who knows what else.