As I sit here at my computer desk. A lone in the house. I really realize something. Not that I am doom to say this way forever but I am doomed with how I feel. I am doom to keep holding on. Not sure what or why I am holding on to it. Most people are not going to know what I am talking about. But I will go a head and enlighten the whole class. I do very much still love Cody. I don’t know why I do. It’s silly. I know. I miss his touch. His smell. His skin. HIM! I’m am retard. I know. Stop with the looks. God dang!

As Buster said, “Why? You have a perfectly good husband.” He is right. Greg did nothing wrong. That is why I don’t know why I can’t get over this. Something is holding me to him. As I have said I can’t let go and I don’t know why. As Cody has said before, he can’t let go either. He doesn’t know why.

I really wish I did. I want to know what makes me keep dreaming about him. What makes me keep checking his status on sites. Why I get all giggly when I get a text or a call. How happy I am I get to see him for a moment before or after work. I am a horrible person.

This is a stupid reason but one time Cody and I did this whole talking to the “dead” thing. I’m not sure if I believe it or not but whatever. And we would ask questions and one question was “Is me and Cody soul mates?” It said “Yes”. I never questioned it after that. Not once. I am very careful about those words. I don’t just say them to anyone. Love maybe, yes. But not the word soul mate. I really think that is why I can’t let go. So, silly.

Maybe that is it. I am doom to follow my soul mate forever. Sounds romantic but it really isn’t. It is but it isn’t. Does that make sense? I can’t let go because my soul won’t. That has to be it. Everyone has that one person. Does soul mates happen? Are they real? I think so. . .

Words that I can never get out of my head. At least on my mind two out of every ten minutes. “Soul mate”, “love”, “confused”, “happy”, “tainted”, “pissed” and “hurt”. Yeah, I think I covered them. How upsetting?