8Jun   Some long nights

I promised blog entries. So, here is one.

I have been so confused and lost at points in the last few weeks. I have been happy and overwhelmed. I have been sad and depressed. Thought I couldn’t go any lower. Then I have been able to look, reflect and try to study why I am where I am.

I don’t have answers still to why Cody did what he did to me. Why they was more important and I was tossed to the side. Maybe with time I can get answers. But now he says he wants to work on friendship. It has been easier with time to be able to at least speak with him on the phone.

I don’t know if I am ready for a face to face meet up yet with him but with time I am sure I will be. With time, it heals all. Each day gets easier. . .let me rephrase that. Most days now are easier. I still have some long nights and short days it feels like. The nights seem to be when I miss him the most. Nights are so lonely.

I still hurt and I still don’t understand. I feel like I wasn’t go enough. But I read a quote and it seems to make it a little easier.

You can love someone and still be wrong for them.

I feel like that is the case right now because Cody is a really nice guy when he isn’t with me. And I like to think I am pretty awesome. 🙂 But when we are together, we seem to bring out the evil. Like we are a bad set of wonder twins.

I don’t question if he loves me, because love has nothing to do with us. We love each other more then I think two people should be able to love. We are are wrong for each other. . .I know it doesn’t seem to be possible but I think it is. Love is such a funny thing. It can happen and without you even realize take over and just fuck everything up. It makes you question yourself, it makes you do weird things. It just. . .is. . .AHHHHH! I don’t know. It’s crazy.

I want to think that this is all a bad dream and he is still at Basic training and I’m waiting to pick him up. That he still loves me and wants to be with me. That none of this happen but it sets in and I realize that isn’t the case at all. I’m here, alone. Just me and the cats. *sad face* 🙁


26May   My relationship

One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care for her and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the guy that already knows.

Relationships are so hard to sum up. So many words to use to say what happen in the past and what you wanted for the future. My relationship with Cody wasn’t all bad. We had fun times but we did have a lot of bad times. I found out in the past two years he cheated on me twice. Once before we moved in together again in August 2009 and the second time was within 48 hours of him being home from Basic training/AIT. And this is just what he has told me, that doesn’t include if he has done it any other times and I just don’t know about it.

I wish I could say I forgive him for these actions because I don’t yet. I know he is still hanging out and talking with the girl he cheated on me with. He doesn’t seem to mind and nor does she. He told me after I found out he would be willing to stop talking to her. He would work it out. He doesn’t want that. Because if he did, he would have stopped. In the end, I guess she was worth it. I guess what we had didn’t matter in the end because it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

She can have him. I won’t be made a fool again. Let her found out about his mood swings and angry issues. Let her pay his way.

He came and got the last of his stuff today. He kept saying over the past few days he wanted to at least be friends. If I needed him, to call. Whatever, he wasn’t here for me when I did need him while we were dating, why would I call when I need him now?

He says he wants to be friends. “We can still be friends” is like “your dog is dead, but you can still keep it” Is how that makes me feel. You know? Why would I want to watch him be happy with this other girl? I do want him happy, this I am not saying. I just don’t want to watch it. It hurts still. Maybe later on but right now. I hurts so bad. Each day is better than the last.

And I know with time it will all heal. I will move on with my life. I have too. I can’t sit around hoping something will happen because if it hasn’t worked in all the times we tried and he is still trying to be with other people, he can have them. I am tired of being hurt all the time. I deserve better! And I really wished he could have been the man to make all my dreams come true. At one time I believed that. I think we have a connection that I have never had with anyone and that is what is making all this so hard.

I have been able to get up, walk away from anyone in my life. Never had a problem, him. He is a problem. I don’t know why. He is one of the few people that can either brighten my world with a look or make my life living hell with a touch. It’s crazy. And at one time I could have done the same to him.

So, I guess Cody and I are really over. Funny how within 24 hours of him being home, my world fell a part. That’s okay, I will pick up the pieces, like I always do. I was making it before him and I will make it after him. He is just one man. He isn’t a god. He is who he is. I can’t change that and we tried to make it work. At least we can say that.


15May   Zooms back

For the past 5 months all I could talk about is how happy I was. How nothing could pop my bubble. . .well, doesn’t plans change. My wedding to the man I thought was of my dreams dump me. After 5 months of him being gone and me waiting for him. This game that we have been playing has been going on for a total of almost 3 years. Enough is enough. I love you. I truly do.

I’m not mad at how it has all played out because I am guessing this is how it is suppose to be. If we are meant to be, it will either work out or we are not. I am sick and tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I have made mistakes, I have paid for each and everyone of them. I can’t take back my past and if I could, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change all the happy moments or sad moments. Those moments were meant to happen. Those moments shaped us into the person we are today.

Those memories, they seem like dreams now. I keep saying “if only. . .” But then I try to take a step back and look again. If only isn’t a choice and I zoom back in to reality. This still feels like a nightmare. I am hurting.

I want you to find whatever your looking for. Whether it maybe love, life, happiness or even just being content. Everyone should be happy. Life is too short. That’s what you keep telling me.

I’m not looking for anything. I was happy. . .it was ripped away. You can’t change your actions now nor would I want you too. I just want you to know, I hope we can be friends. That with time I could be happy for you too. That we look back and remember that we changed each other. That we loved each other truly. That all this pain we feel was for something and not nothing. That it showed us that we are still alive, that there is still something magical out there.


28Mar   Life suddenly

I have been aiming to update. Well, update with a real update, not quotes or site updates.

My life seems to be pushing on very quickly. This year has been such a big year. Let me take that back. Since August of 2009 has been a big life changing events. Cody and I got back together in September of 2008. After a few months of being broken up. Before that we was together for around a year. Since September of 2008 we have been fighting a battle called a normal relationship. Close to the one year mark of being back together we decided to move back in together. Which has been amazing this time around.

During this big move together we also decided to go from renting to buying. Which we only bought a small two bedroom trailer. It’s still a big deal. We also during this time was preparing for him to go from normal college guy to a solider. I dropped him off to leave for basic training January 4th 2010. After 10 weeks of him being gone I finally seen him on March 18th. I still didn’t get to bring him home but that’s okay. He gets done with AIT on May 7th. At that time he comes home.Which will be amazing.

Did I mention also, he asked me to marry him while he was away at basic. So, not only is he coming home on the 7th. We are getting married May 22nd. We had set the date for June before but with the idea of him maybe getting deployed scaring us we went ahead and wanted to get married. It wasn’t moving it up that much. Just less time to prepare.

When he does get home, we have to go a head and get everything for the wedding. Book our hotel. We have decided on Gatlinburg, TN for our honeymoon since we our only about 5 hours away. 🙂 I am so happy about it all. My life has finally started to come back together.

It still makes me smile thinking about everything. I am not staying that everything is perfect because it isn’t but at least I’m happy. I’m happy with the imperfections. I am happy with all of it. I couldn’t have got to this moment without some heartache and pain. But ask me if I would do it all again, I say yes. I would do it all again in a heart beat. I love him and wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. Everything happens for a reason. It’s so cheesy but true.