10 points 2 me

“Killing I understood. Relationships confused me.” –The Killing Dance, Laurell K. Hamilton

I hoped everything would get better but sometimes hopes are nothing and dreams are just dreams. I know that that’s sad to say but I am starting to believe that. Kitten doesn’t understand and I want her to so bad. I do.

I have did things that I’m not happy about and never will be but that gives her NO right to say mean things to me. I understand that she is hurt. Goddess, believe me but its still hurts me to have her say and do those mean things. What am I suppose to do, take it? In the end I do, I take everything she throws at me. EVERYTHING! No matter how big or small. I guess I should, I mean take the shit. She has been taking mine for ever it seems. I have put her in hell more then a number of counts. And she still loves me, I think that I should at least give her the respect she has given me. I want to but I don’t know how. I mean I try to, but in the end I always seem to fuck everything up. I hate that about my self.

I am trying so hard right now to make everyone happy. It doesn’t matter about me, just everyone else. I’m like that most of the time. Its always everyone else over me. I have been like that as long as I can remember.

You know what I have noticed. I have been getting longer and longer on this blog. Each entry just keeps growing. I know you people don’t read all of it. I wouldn’t…well, really I do because I write it but not the point.

“there she goes,there she goes again…” I just thought I would share that, it just came on my radio. LOL I’m off!

10 points 2 me

“Killing I understood. Relationships confused me.” –The Killing Dance, Laurell K. Hamilton

I hoped everything would get better but sometimes hopes are nothing and dreams are just dreams. I know that that’s sad to say but I am starting to believe that. Kitten doesn’t understand and I want her to so bad. I do.

I have did things that I’m not happy about and never will be but that gives her NO right to say mean things to me. I understand that she is hurt. Goddess, believe me but its still hurts me to have her say and do those mean things. What am I suppose to do, take it? In the end I do, I take everything she throws at me. EVERYTHING! No matter how big or small. I guess I should, I mean take the shit. She has been taking mine for ever it seems. I have put her in hell more then a number of counts. And she still loves me, I think that I should at least give her the respect she has given me. I want to but I don’t know how. I mean I try to, but in the end I always seem to fuck everything up. I hate that about my self.

I am trying so hard right now to make everyone happy. It doesn’t matter about me, just everyone else. I’m like that most of the time. Its always everyone else over me. I have been like that as long as I can remember.

You know what I have noticed. I have been getting longer and longer on this blog. Each entry just keeps growing. I know you people don’t read all of it. I wouldn’t…well, really I do because I write it but not the point.

“there she goes,there she goes again…”

Hell

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?” –Unknown

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. I hate it. I hate myself mostly. I hate the fact I screwed up but most of all. For some reason, I don’t hate what I did. I hate the fact that Kitten and I ended the way we did. I hate the fact I made Kitten lose her best friend, over something like this. Something, that could have been so much worse.

But in the end I know it was worth everything. In the end it was worth every tear, every hug, every kiss, every laugh shared. I know that it hurts her to think she (Kitten) was suppose to trust us. That we was the few things she still had. It hurts to think that I hurt the few people I cared about.

Most of all it hurts me that I did such things without really thinking. Yes, I did think but yet I didn’t. I never thought that Kitten would break up with me. I fought a losing battle last night with her. Because as much as I wanted for her not to leave. Now, I want her so far away from me. I want her to leave me alone. I want her to fucking leave me and find someone who loves her for her and someone that can treat her with the respect that I never gave her. The respect she should have.

It doesn’t make me a bad person I believe that I don’t feel bad for what happen between me and her best friend. I don’t hate it at all. I hate that it had to end the way it did. I guess if that makes me a bad person then I’m a bad person.

I have had such a GREAT fucking day. It has just been great. I went to bed around 3am and I went to school. Took to finals. One in Chem 1 and the other in Spanish 1. I just know I failed the Spanish one but I don’t know about Chem. Tricia said that my chem teacher told her that NO one failed it. So, that has to be good. If I passed I will be so happy.

I added a new page. It is Life summed up. Kitten wrote it today about me. It really is my life summed up. I told her she really does know me if she can sum up my life like that in 3 pages. I laughed and then started to cry again. I cried soon as I read it because I knew that she knew me that well. I knew that she knew that I felt that way. I still know that she knows.

Chris also told me today that he likes/loves me. Chris. Chris!! My best friend in the whole world tells me this a day before school is out. God, I love my friends. I don’t know what I am going to do about any of this. I really don’t.

“when the shit hits the fan, it never lands evenly.” –robert

Off to die……no, wait……live…maybe!!

Tricia is coming home with me tomorrow. I hope she can make me laugh. Right? I need it.

Hell

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?” –Unknown

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. I hate it. I hate myself mostly. I hate the fact I screwed up but most of all. For some reason, I don’t hate what I did. I hate the fact that Kitten and I ended the way we did. I hate the fact I made Kitten lose her best friend, over something like this. Something, that could have been so much worse.

But in the end I know it was worth everything. In the end it was worth every tear, every hug, every kiss, every laugh shared. I know that it hurts her to think she (Kitten) was suppose to trust us. That we was the few things she still had. It hurts to think that I hurt the few people I cared about.

Most of all it hurts me that I did such things without really thinking. Yes, I did think but yet I didn’t. I never thought that Kitten would break up with me. I fought a losing battle last night with her. Because as much as I wanted for her not to leave. Now, I want her so far away from me. I want her to leave me alone. I want her to fucking leave me and find someone who loves her for her and someone that can treat her with the respect that I never gave her. The respect she should have.

It doesn’t make me a bad person I believe that I don’t feel bad for what happen between me and her best friend. I don’t hate it at all. I hate that it had to end the way it did. I guess if that makes me a bad person then I’m a bad person.

I have had such a GREAT fucking day. It has just been great. I went to bed around 3am and I went to school. Took to finals. One in Chem 1 and the other in Spanish 1. I just know I failed the Spanish one but I don’t know about Chem. Tricia said that my chem teacher told her that NO one failed it. So, that has to be good. If I passed I will be so happy.

I added a new page. It is Life summed up. Kitten wrote it today about me. It really is my life summed up. I told her she really does know me if she can sum up my life like that in 3 pages. I laughed and then started to cry again. I cried soon as I read it because I knew that she knew me that well. I knew that she knew that I felt that way. I still know that she knows.

Chris also told me today that he likes/loves me. Chris. Chris!! My best friend in the whole world tells me this a day before school is out. God, I love my friends. I don’t know what I am going to do about any of this. I really don’t.

“when the shit hits the fan, it never lands evenly.” –Robert

Off to die……no, wait……live…maybe!!

Tricia is coming home with me tomorrow. I hope she can make me laugh. Right? I need it.

Fag-hag

“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.” –Janeane Garofalo

I WANT ONE (a gay man)!! I spent Friday and last night with Tricia. Friday night we went to her aunty’s house and spent the night and the Saturday we partied with some of the greatest gay guys ever. I think I’m in love [heart]. I was getting nasty with the ‘fags’. I mean nasty, as in dancing. I let myself go with them. I can’t help it, they are so much fun. All weekend I have been saying that ‘this is more fun then a sack full of ____blank____’. Blank has been fulled with door-knobs or any other thing I could think of at the time. It has been great.

Tricia and I talked a lot more and had a lot of fun. It was great. I am so going to miss her and Jenny when they go off to college. At least Jenny is staying in the state. Tricia is going off to “find” herself. Which I am happy about but I’m going to miss the girl….I’m going to miss both of them. ='( *tear*

Finals are coming up. Well, I had one of the finals Friday. It was my U.S history final. I hope I passed it, for the fact my history teacher is a fucking pervert (sp?) like never before. He lets the peppies do whatever the fuck they want as long as they show him their tits. Its gross and I hate it. So, every day in there I fall a sleep, because I can’t stand for him to do that shit. GOD, I HATE MEN….sometimes.

I’m off….I will write you people that wrote me an email back later. I need to work on my Chem 1 notebook. what fun!?! *hits self with hammer* lmao