Archive for October, 2005

Tired but here

October 29

I’m tired but I’m here. I will be more happy once I get my check and see how my hard work has paid off. I know not very much but it does pay. I will have 39 hours in this week at close. Thank god tomorrow is my day off. Then next week I think I have around 35 hours. I’m getting the hours but WOW I am so tired. I try to get as much sleep as I can but I still want to see my baby.

We are doing better not the best but better. I love him so much. :hearts: I just want us to be better. I know we are working on it but now since I’m work and he is working. Neither one of us really see each other to talk. Maybe we will next week sometime. We have one day off together. That day is us day! 😆

Work went well

October 21

Work went very well today. I was worried all day that I was going to just suck but over all I did good. I was on drive-thru all day. I worked from 9:45am to 4pm. Which is a lot of hours my first day back on the job. I’m not use to standing on my feet for long periods of time but I’m sure I will get use to it. I don’t mind working. Matter of fact I love working. It’s really hard and stressful but it’s very fulling if you know what I mean. Working for my own money. I like that idea. It makes me happy thinking about it.

I dealt with the lunch rush my first day. :wow: And they didn’t take me off drive-thru all day. I was told if they didn’t take me off of it then that means I was doing great. 😳 I can tell I worked but that is a good thing.

I wanting for Keith to call me on his last break before I go to bed. :yawn: I took a little nap so I’m okay for right now. I told him to wake me up when he came to bed so I can kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I want him to know that I care.

Things are looking up

October 19

Well, it seems things are finally looking up for me. I finally got a job at Wendy’s. It’s not the best job in the world but it pays. And that is what matters. I’m not sure why I will start out as but I’m guessing $6.00 or $5.75. Nothing less I hope. I start work tomorrow at 9:45am. I have to train on days and then I will be a closer. Which the hours start at 4pm to 12:30am. Which I won’t mind at all because then Keith can take me to work and we can still see each other. I can’t wait to start getting paid.

About my past entry. Keith and I have been talking more and things have seem to get better. Which is always good.

That’s all I have to stay right now. I’m trying to get all the house work done before tomorrow. Plus Lee and Jeremiah are coming over as well. They should be here anytime. :yay: For friends.

BTW, look what I made: :margarita: and :burger:. I’m so proud.

Let the words come out

October 12

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. I wish I could put them in to words. I don’t know if I can. Saturday would have been the due date of our child. I can’t believe it has already been 9 months. It is still hard today as it was 6 months ago when I had the miscarriage. 😥 I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel. All I know is that it is killing me on the inside and it is starting to show on the outside. I told Keith last night that I felt numb. It make me cry so hard when I told him that. It’s not that I feel numb all the time but it has been more and more lately. I wish I knew how to stop it. Keith said he could feel me drawing away from him. I’m not meaning too but I know I have been. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We are happy most of the time but since the miscarriage we fight more and we don’t talk as much and so on. We still have our talks before bed and we still make love. So, I know we aren’t to far gone.

I don’t really believe that we are that far gone anyway. I just think we need to talk it out more and get it all of it out. We have held it in to long. I think that we just held it in for so long that this is what happens. I know it sounds crazy but I sincerely believe that’s what happen. That we keep trying to find ways to fill that void and nothing seems to be working. I just want the pain to stop and I know Keith feels the same way. Some days I feel like I use to and I hate that. I hate the fact I still have those feelings from time to time. Knowing that I have such a wonderful husband that loves me, that makes me so happy, that I make him so happy. It hurts. I fought so hard to get better and I will be damned if I get like that again.

I just want everything to be like it was before the miscarriage. The happy couple that never had a cross word, the couple that held each other close every night and. . . and just. . . I don’t know. I want us to be us again. I don’t know if that makes any since.

I hope this finds it way to Keith. I try talk to him but the words never come out right. I always seem to get lost in thought. I go to talk and my mouth never seems to move right. I never thought it would be hard to talk to Keith but it seems it has gotten to that point. Am I a horrible person . . . wife for feeling like that?

Almost time . . .

October 8

We will be leaving soon and I still haven’t fixed my hair. I wanted to update real fast before I forgot. I had a job interview Tuesday night at 6pm. It looks promising. It was for the Five Star Mart. I would be working 3rd shift. Which is what I wanted. And on top of that I would be making $7.00 an hour on 3rd. How great would that me? I’m starting to get my weight back again. Which is a plus. I have been trying to eat everything I can fit in my mouth. I think it has been working.

The wedding is suppose to be outside but I don’t think it will be. :cloudy: The weather is very cloudy and cool. It’s right down cool. I guess it’s all the rain we have been getting. I hate cold weather. I hate it!

I need to walk the dogs and go fix my hair in the next little bit so I will be ready went Keith comes out of his office. Men, what is it about them waiting. 😆 Oh yeah, before I forget the dinner when well.