Archive for September, 2007

Nor do I

September 30

I feel so used sometimes. I know he doesn’t mean it that way. It feels sometimes that he always gets what he wants in the end and I am stuck doing all the dirty work. Even after everything is said and done.

I know he doesn’t get many days off from life and nor do I. I always feel like on my days off from everything I’m still stuck doing all the little things around the house because if I didn’t do them, they wouldn’t get done. Or I have things I have to get done around town or I have to go to EC (my hometown) for something. Always something. Never time down.

For once I want him to be like; don’t worry. I know he tells me “Go have fun. Do something you want to do. Shop. Or something like that.” I don’t want to shop for useless things. And on top of that, I don’t want to waste our money on stuff for me. I feel bad when I do that or I would never hear the end of it because we both know in the end I would get told I didn’t need to waste our money for stupid shit. I don’t have friends to hang out with. He knows I will stay here and get the necessary things done. I hope I’m right about he doesn’t realize I feel this way. I’m almost sure of it.

I’m not mad or upset because he has friends or on his time off he hangs out or does what he wants. I just want him to offer to help me out or offer to take his time to do what I have to do. It would be nice to just step back and truly breathe.

I’m kind of jealous of his life sometimes. . .he has so much going for him. I’m jealous because he is busy with important stuff. I’m stuck with the simple stuff. . .like working fast food and cleaning house. I hate my life sometimes. I do like the fact I have a nice place to live, I have a boyfriend that loves me but that’s it. That’s about the end of what I like about it. This upsets me.

I’m embarrassed to say what I do for a living. I’m embarrassed about all of it. I’m not important. . . Just jealous. . .I feel so. . .down.

Everyone has something to hide

September 26

I got this idea from one of my friends on her myspace profile. You type a little info about how you feel about someone. You don’t put names and you let them guess, who is who. I like the idea. I think it kind of helps me. 🙂 Most likely half the people that these are about won’t even read it but that’s okay. It’s still there if they do decide to be apart of my life again.

  1. We are so many miles a part. I just wish I was their for you as much as you have been for me.
  2. I don’t understand you. I never have. You was one of my first loves. I just wish you didn’t look down apon me so.
  3. I will always love you. I wish sometimes we didn’t live so far apart and we could have got a long.
  4. Simply put, I miss your friendship. You was one of the people that loved me for me. I need you again.
  5. I know we don’t talk very often. I think about you just about every other day. You need to get on a bus and come and see me. . .NOW.
  6. It wasn’t all bad, was it?
  7. I don’t think I have ever or ever will again love someone like I love you. I don’t want to fight anymore. And I hope what you hope, let it not be right now. Please not now. . .later is fine. . .but not now.

Such jealousy

September 25

I was upset about a week ago over an act that Cj done to me. I wanted to let it go but it still kind of bothers me. He read my myspace messages. Well, really it was only one. And that one was to my ex-husband. We (as me and my ex-husband) both promised to stay friends if we ever go divorced and now that we are we still talk on the phone about once a month and now we email about that often. Nothing big, just to check on each other.

I don’t understand this jealousy thing he has over me. I have never had that before. Everyone I have ever been with has never acted like that before until now. I understand that he is scared of losing me but like I told him. He doesn’t have anything to worry about. I want to understand.

I want to forget it happen. He told me “He understood if I left or wanted him to move out or whatever”. But I love him very much and he said he wouldn’t do it again. I want to believe him. I want to be like “Okay”. But for some reason I say I’m okay and I have went on and I have forgave him for this act but still I let it sit in the back of my mind. Nothing like it is going to sit there and then I just blow up one day. Nothing even like that. I just think about it from time to time. I almost don’t want to leave my account on my computer open. He doesn’t have my passwords but on the other hand; I don’t have anything to hide. I didn’t care that he read it. I just wanted him to ask first. I don’t have anything to hide from anyone, let a lone him.

I find it useless to hide anything. It just causes problems but I feel like he hides things from me. He might not but I still can’t help to fill that way. Maybe it’s because I don’t hide anything and I feel like everyone has something to hide. Oh, well, I know. . .well, hope if he is that he will tell me and not keep it from me ever. He says he feels that everyone has secrets. Maybe he is right. . .

Seven Deadly Sins Survey

September 23

Wrath
Who did you last get angry with? My brother.
What is your weapon of choice? 9mm
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Yes.
How about the same sex? Yep.
Who was the last person who got really angry at you? CJ
What is your pet peeve? Lying, cheating.
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? It depends on what is going on.

Sloth
What is one thing you’re suppose to do daily that you haven’t? Today I haven’t brushed my teeth.
What is the latest you’ve ever woken up? 6pm
Name a person you’ve been meaning to contact, but haven’t? My friend Jenni.
What is the last lame excuse that you made? I really don’t make excuses.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Yes.
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning? None.

Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Coffee. Yum!
Are you a meat eater? Yes.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had in one sitting/outing/event? A half of a fifth of whiskey.
Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits? Most of the time.
Do you enjoy candy and sweets? Not often.
Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods? Spicy!
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, “lunch”? Jokingly yes.

Greed
How many credit cards do you own? None besides my bank card.
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? Move, get re-married, go to collage and help my husband make his dreams come true.
Would you rather be rich or famous? I don’t really want to be either. I just don’t want to worry about my bills.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks? I wouldn’t mind.

Pride
What’s one thing that you have done that you’re most proud of? My websites.
What’s one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? Being strong and help take care of my family.
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life? Family, school.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? I wouldn’t mind.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher better than all the other competitors? No.
Have you ever cheated to get a better score? Not really. Or if I have, I don’t remember.
What did you do today that you’re proud of? Clean house.

Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)? Something like 15 – 20. Is that bad?
How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)? Something like 15 – 20. Yet again, is this bad?
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation? Yeah.
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice? It depends. I love eyes and I love finger nails. I always notice finger nails first.
Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons? At the same time? Umm, I kind of had a 3 way kiss once.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No.

Envy
What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Nothing far as I know.
Who would you want to go on “Trading Spaces” with? No one.
If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be? I like being me.
Have you ever been cheated on? Kind of.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Yep. Who hasn’t?
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? I wish I could stand up for myself a little better.

What deadly sin…
Do you do the most often? Gluttony.
Do you do the least often? Greed.
Is your favorite to act on? No, Gluttony is. . .I love to eat.

Random | Comments off

Babbling on again it seems

September 5

I haven’t been doing much. I have felt really bad all day. I am trying to think positive. . .or at least keep a positive out look. I am so tired of work and I’m so tired with everything. I really want everything to be like it was in May. . .it seemed simple then. I didn’t have anything but work, Cookie and life to look forward too.

It’s not that I don’t want the things I have now in my life like CJ and all but I stay so stressed out all the time. I’m not even sure on what. I like to think it’s work. I stress out about everything. Even the little things that won’t matter in a few hours, let alone in a few years. I have a bad habit of taking that out on CJ. I hate that. I get stressed and I don’t know how to handle myself and I snap at him for no reason or what I would find funny normally I would just cry over. I know he doesn’t know how to handle me, hell, I don’t know how to handle me. I truly don’t want to lose him over something silly, I don’t want to lose him at all. I don’t think I will but I do get scared at times.

I’m scared. . .very simply put. I wish I was the big girl I use to be but he makes me weak. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. I like to think both at times. I wish I knew where I was going with this whole blog entry but I have no clue. Just another babbling entry, I guess.

On to randomness. . .

Unconscious Mutterings

  1. Scrabble :: Spelling
  2. NyQuil :: Sleepy Time
  3. Roadtrip :: Because it’s your dog.
  4. Idiot :: Work
  5. Bandages :: Dr. office
  6. Series :: Shows
  7. Summer :: Break
  8. Prompt :: Action
  9. September :: Birthdays
  10. Chicken :: Me
  11. Thanks to: Unconscious Mutterings

Friday Five:

  • What’s something you suspect you regularly overpay for? Gas!
  • What’s something you suspect you regularly underpay for? Food.
  • What’s taking up more of your time than it should? Work and house work.
  • What’s causing you stress only because you let it? Work. I am really bad about stressing.
  • If all your karma were based on your positive and negative attitudes, would it be in good shape, in bad shape, or perfectly in balance? I would like to think balance but I’m not totally sure. Most likely in the middle. lol
  • Thanks to: Friday5.Org