I feel like I’m all out of great ideas. I feel tired and ill. I don’t feel all here anymore. I’ve lost touch with myself and everything and everyone around me. I say things or do things and act ways that I know I shouldn’t but can’t help to keep doing it.
I cry for silly reasons and then ask myself later why. I beg for his attention and found myself lonely. I found myself feeling lonelier more each day. I feel like I don’t even know the man that I love.
I feel like he is repulsed by me. . .by my actions. . . I cry almost every night over something. I try to play with him or make him feel wanted and all I get is turned down over and over. I beg for him to notice my hurt and anger. I’m so sick and tired.
I love him. I do. I go out of my way for him and I know he does too for me at times. I try so hard for him. When I wanted to give up. I didn’t for him. When I’m upset I get compared to his mother and grandmother. That he refuses to deal with another women like them. All depressed and such. It hurts to be told he isn’t going to deal with my hurt, my pain or my anger. Why not? Does he not love me that much?
I can’t help the fact that I’m upset or sad at times. I try to be optimist. (I really do.) Or I use to be. When everything is going wrong. I don’t know how to look up anymore. I’ve got back to that point in my life. I’ve got to that edge again. I feel trapped and worthless.
I look at him and feel joy and pain. How can that be? I feel his touch and feel like it’s forced. As if he is only dealing with me until something or someone better comes a long. Why do I feel this way?
Last night I tried to kiss on him. To love on him. All I wanted is to be kissed back. My hair to be moved out of my face and for him to touch my skin softly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with me.
All I want is sex. As far he thinks. He doesn’t get it. NO, I want him. I want the closeness of it. I want to feel him so close. It makes me feel like I’m wanted. That he needs me.
Is that what it boils down too. I want him to need me. I want him to want me. Do I need that to be happy? Do I need to know those things? He says I love you. Is that enough? Or do I need more? I guess I’m to needy. I can see that. To needy. . .at times.
He says so much to me but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel his breath on my skin anymore. I don’t feel his touch so soft. I don’t feel his soul. . .I see a man before me but not the man that I love. The person that made everything okay. Not the man I fell in love with.
I feel so lost right now. I want to go climb in his arms and feel his warmth. I want to feel him breathing in my ears but I’m scared to death that it might be as cold as ice. That I might be climbing into his arms but feel even lonelier. Can that be? Can that happen?
Be sitting next to someone and feel like no one is around for 1,000 of miles? That can’t happen. . .but I do feel that way.