Would you want to watch it?

June 22

I randomly think about the good and bad times. The moments that make us, well, us. The moments that in an instant will either break us or make us the person we are today. The moment that changed everything about our lives. The one choice that lead us to the path we are today. I think about what moment, what choice, what help make us make this choice, this decision. I wonder how or why we got the conclusion we did.

I randomly think about the choices that have got me to this point in my life. Not just everyone else, but me. It is hard for me to believe I was married for 3 years. It is even harder for me to believe I was with Cody for almost a year. Not hard because it was bad but over all. It is hard for me to believe just over 4 years of my life is gone. . .and I am scared if I blink, another 4 years will be gone. . .If I fall a sleep, I will a wake an old women. Scared of what will lay a head of me.

My father told me as a child I was wishing my life way. You wish to be 16, then 18, then 21 before you know it, you blink your 40. I am starting to believe that. My weeks seem to be getting shorter and my months seem to fly by. I tell myself this is all because I’m so busy. I really, don’t think that it is. I think it is because of my age. I have already wished all my years way. Now time is speeding up. I remember as a kid, the summers would last forever. Our two week breaks would never end. Weekends lasted longer then just a few moments. I still get the two day weekends. They are over before I know it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not wishing to move time, I’m not wanting to change my past and I truly will never regret my past. Cody once told me, If your life was a movie, would you want to watch it?

Then it hit me, how true is that. Why live life any other way? I imagine when my life is over, when it is all said and done with sitting there watching my life. This beautiful movie, this work of art. I can imagine myself laughing, turning red A LOT, crying, wanting to change the channel but never ever taking back anything, not one moment. Never changing a thing.

I truly believe I am happy with these choices. I truly believe that I am a wonderful person. With all my flaws, imperfectness, with all of my downsides. I am truly a beautiful person and I feel like it has taken me years to finally see that. I am what ever you say I am, but I know what I am.

This entry was posted on Sunday June 22nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm with the tags: , , , , . You can view the comment feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

  1. Cammie – Jun 22, 2008 at 15:51

    I so understand. I am going to be 28 this year and the kidlet will be 10 next week and it seems like just yesterday I was 17 bringing her home.

  2. spencer – Jun 23, 2008 at 03:29

    hell yeah, i hear you all too well myself, kinda crazy, but i couldn’t have put it better myself.

  3. Jic – Jun 24, 2008 at 15:59

    I think a lot of people are in your shoes. When they were 16 they wished they were 18. I remembered those thoughts crossing my mind. I wished I was 21 when I was younger, and now I’m 21 and I don’t feel any different. Just feels that my life is going a bit faster than I want it to be. So right now I don’t wish to be any age. I’ll just enjoy my time right now, regardless of my age. ๐Ÿ™‚ oh and btw, thanks for stopping by my site ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. Sterling – Jun 30, 2008 at 00:56

    word. sometimes it’s too overwhelming to think about time and the burden of existence and all, but i think you put it nicely. i think people forget to relax and just be at peace with themselves.

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