I promised blog entries. So, here is one.
I have been so confused and lost at points in the last few weeks. I have been happy and overwhelmed. I have been sad and depressed. Thought I couldn’t go any lower. Then I have been able to look, reflect and try to study why I am where I am.
I don’t have answers still to why Cody did what he did to me. Why they was more important and I was tossed to the side. Maybe with time I can get answers. But now he says he wants to work on friendship. It has been easier with time to be able to at least speak with him on the phone.
I don’t know if I am ready for a face to face meet up yet with him but with time I am sure I will be. With time, it heals all. Each day gets easier. . .let me rephrase that. Most days now are easier. I still have some long nights and short days it feels like. The nights seem to be when I miss him the most. Nights are so lonely.
I still hurt and I still don’t understand. I feel like I wasn’t go enough. But I read a quote and it seems to make it a little easier.
You can love someone and still be wrong for them.
I feel like that is the case right now because Cody is a really nice guy when he isn’t with me. And I like to think I am pretty awesome. 🙂 But when we are together, we seem to bring out the evil. Like we are a bad set of wonder twins.
I don’t question if he loves me, because love has nothing to do with us. We love each other more then I think two people should be able to love. We are are wrong for each other. . .I know it doesn’t seem to be possible but I think it is. Love is such a funny thing. It can happen and without you even realize take over and just fuck everything up. It makes you question yourself, it makes you do weird things. It just. . .is. . .AHHHHH! I don’t know. It’s crazy.
I want to think that this is all a bad dream and he is still at Basic training and I’m waiting to pick him up. That he still loves me and wants to be with me. That none of this happen but it sets in and I realize that isn’t the case at all. I’m here, alone. Just me and the cats. *sad face* 🙁
I would have to agree that nights are the most lonely, they are the scariest for me. Especially those nights when you don’t have much to keep you occupied. Its good to see that you are at least having some ups with your downs, those are the moments that keep you chugging. I’m sure there will be answers to your questions, as you have already stated. But sometimes its important to remember that not every question may have a perfect, singular answer that can be put into words. Then again – maybe thats only because someone hasn’t strung anything together yet. I’m going to start babbling into semantics soon so I’m just going to stop before you hate me.
Don’t feel like you weren’t good enough, no one should ever feel like they aren’t good enough comparatively. I wish I could speak to you more about love but I’m pretty sure you have more experience in the field than I do. Sorry I can’t be of much help but try not to be so hard on yourself. Sometimes its not who is to blame but just a series of events that, when put together in a certain situation or under certain circumstances end up with bad results that hurt people.