ex-P.O.S
I can’t say I’m happy with everything but you know what? I am happy with where I’m at. I don’t like somethings. I’m changing those things.
Somethings don’t change ever. I’m okay with that. I don’t need anyone but I still like the thought of having or someone needing me. I like the thought of not placing labels. I love that idea. Labels make things much harder.
I will enjoy my label-free night. Night.
Sometimes I feel I live a double life. One side gets one part of me and the other half of my life gets that part. Very sad. I really wish it was more simple but nothing is simple. And if it is something most likely is wrong. Very sad.
Btw, I am updating this from my new G1. Very nice. It was my 23rd birthday gift to myself. Great isn’t it. My life is so sad.
PS: I <3 my phone!
10 days to my birthday. What I thought I wanted. I do not. What I do want is something silly and the person I wanted to be spending it with. Most likely won’t happen. I might try to hang out with someone on my birthday. No reason to be alone. I’m already working that day.
I’m so super broke. I don’t even have money to get myself the stuff to make my cake. I don’t have the money to do anything.
That Friday the 14th I get paid. I am totally doing something stupid like myself a new phone. I don’t care. I never do anything for myself. 99% I work and pay bills. Never spend money on anything but bills, food and gas. So, for once I am going to buy myself something awesome. It will be my birthday and Yale gift all in one. It shall be, the G1. The awesome new phone from T-mobile.
Nothing else to really report. I’m going crazy but nothing new there. lol I guess I’m off to search the random web for well. . .random things. lol
As I sit here at my computer desk. A lone in the house. I really realize something. Not that I am doom to say this way forever but I am doomed with how I feel. I am doom to keep holding on. Not sure what or why I am holding on to it. Most people are not going to know what I am talking about. But I will go a head and enlighten the whole class. I do very much still love Cody. I don’t know why I do. It’s silly. I know. I miss his touch. His smell. His skin. HIM! I’m am retard. I know. Stop with the looks. God dang!
As Buster said, “Why? You have a perfectly good husband.” He is right. Greg did nothing wrong. That is why I don’t know why I can’t get over this. Something is holding me to him. As I have said I can’t let go and I don’t know why. As Cody has said before, he can’t let go either. He doesn’t know why.
I really wish I did. I want to know what makes me keep dreaming about him. What makes me keep checking his status on sites. Why I get all giggly when I get a text or a call. How happy I am I get to see him for a moment before or after work. I am a horrible person.
This is a stupid reason but one time Cody and I did this whole talking to the “dead” thing. I’m not sure if I believe it or not but whatever. And we would ask questions and one question was “Is me and Cody soul mates?” It said “Yes”. I never questioned it after that. Not once. I am very careful about those words. I don’t just say them to anyone. Love maybe, yes. But not the word soul mate. I really think that is why I can’t let go. So, silly.
Maybe that is it. I am doom to follow my soul mate forever. Sounds romantic but it really isn’t. It is but it isn’t. Does that make sense? I can’t let go because my soul won’t. That has to be it. Everyone has that one person. Does soul mates happen? Are they real? I think so. . .
Words that I can never get out of my head. At least on my mind two out of every ten minutes. “Soul mate”, “love”, “confused”, “happy”, “tainted”, “pissed” and “hurt”. Yeah, I think I covered them. How upsetting?
I keep writing the same thing. Save me. What does those words really mean at this point? What I need and what I really want is two very different things. Save me. Two very simple words. Very strong simple words.
I like to think I have been a very strong person. That I have been a very willful person. Does that make sense? I mean, really? I know it doesn’t. It’s cool. I never make sense. Most people that know me, doesn’t truly know me. They know a person I project.
I haven’t really been truthful to many people. Not many people around me sees the person I am. In side I am screaming at the top of my lungs for help. Save me. Those words again. What do I need to be saved from? Myself. No, never. That can’t be.
Or again, I am fighting a battle I can’t win. Most likely the case. Silly me. Fighting for this, fighting this stupid battle. Lets see what happens, happen. No, nothing works out that way. Or does it. Well, for some it does. Not me, never for me. Wait, my optimist side is showing. That’s me Miss Sunshine herself. No, wait. That is a lie too.
Call me Emo, or Sad or whatever the word. I am me. Scared. Has secret. Has lies. Has some much hidden. Not many people see this side. I wish they knew. Everyone has secret. Mine just happen to be big. . .not really. Same secrets as everyone else.
It hurts to know something about people. The little stuff is what hurts. I can seem to forgive about the big stuff. The little stuff is what hurts. The little comments or action that cuts right to the soul. It’s hard to watch your soul mate walk away. To tell you “Cake, yum. Can I have it and eat it too?” Why not? Silly me.
I can’t believe how I feel. Silly me. Save me. Simple so fucking simple. Maybe that is the problem in itself. Nothing is simple but this one thing. Truly is. How odd? How funny? How queer? Not really. I have become mad.