ex-P.O.S
“In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.” –Paul Harvey
I’m at times lost with myself. Feeling like I have no where to turn. I don’t have an up or a down. I feel like I’m stuck. Then at other times I feel so overwhelmed or feel so happy it almost hurts. Is that possible. To feel so happy it almost hurts. That doesn’t make sense does it. I don’t know how to put it in to words. I want to be able to put all my thoughts in to words.
I feel like I’m all out of great ideas. I feel tired and ill. I don’t feel all here anymore. I’ve lost touch with myself and everything and everyone around me. I say things or do things and act ways that I know I shouldn’t but can’t help to keep doing it.
I cry for silly reasons and then ask myself later why. I beg for his attention and found myself lonely. I found myself feeling lonelier more each day. I feel like I don’t even know the man that I love.
I feel like he is repulsed by me. . .by my actions. . . I cry almost every night over something. I try to play with him or make him feel wanted and all I get is turned down over and over. I beg for him to notice my hurt and anger. I’m so sick and tired.
I love him. I do. I go out of my way for him and I know he does too for me at times. I try so hard for him. When I wanted to give up. I didn’t for him. When I’m upset I get compared to his mother and grandmother. That he refuses to deal with another women like them. All depressed and such. It hurts to be told he isn’t going to deal with my hurt, my pain or my anger. Why not? Does he not love me that much?
I can’t help the fact that I’m upset or sad at times. I try to be optimist. (I really do.) Or I use to be. When everything is going wrong. I don’t know how to look up anymore. I’ve got back to that point in my life. I’ve got to that edge again. I feel trapped and worthless.
I look at him and feel joy and pain. How can that be? I feel his touch and feel like it’s forced. As if he is only dealing with me until something or someone better comes a long. Why do I feel this way?
Last night I tried to kiss on him. To love on him. All I wanted is to be kissed back. My hair to be moved out of my face and for him to touch my skin softly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with me.
All I want is sex. As far he thinks. He doesn’t get it. NO, I want him. I want the closeness of it. I want to feel him so close. It makes me feel like I’m wanted. That he needs me.
Is that what it boils down too. I want him to need me. I want him to want me. Do I need that to be happy? Do I need to know those things? He says I love you. Is that enough? Or do I need more? I guess I’m to needy. I can see that. To needy. . .at times.
He says so much to me but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel his breath on my skin anymore. I don’t feel his touch so soft. I don’t feel his soul. . .I see a man before me but not the man that I love. The person that made everything okay. Not the man I fell in love with.
I feel so lost right now. I want to go climb in his arms and feel his warmth. I want to feel him breathing in my ears but I’m scared to death that it might be as cold as ice. That I might be climbing into his arms but feel even lonelier. Can that be? Can that happen?
Be sitting next to someone and feel like no one is around for 1,000 of miles? That can’t happen. . .but I do feel that way.
I swear it is! I might just blow up myself. Maybe not, but maybe I will. Sometimes I’m in such a great mood. I believe nothing could bring me down. I could be happy. But other days, I truly believe it won’t get better. Nothing will. I have so much envy and jealousy for people. Even people that I don’t even know. Just random blogs I read. It seems everyone has a better life then me. I seem to suck at life. I don’t understand.
I’m sick and tired of people that just wait it out and everything works out. They don’t have to work for anything. It pisses me the right the fuck off! :yuck: I mean, like my brother. It makes me so angry. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t worry about anything and everything works out for him some how. In the end, everything always works out.
I work all the damn time and I never get anything great in return. I don’t understand why people that work hard can’t get something great in return.
I want everything for once to just come together without fighting for it!! Damn it!!! I’m tired of it always being a daily battle for everything in my life. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I want everything handed to me. I just want it to be a little more simple. I don’t mind working for the things in my life. That isn’t the problem.
Another day has come and gone. In 6 days I will be 22. WTF? When did this happen? When did I wake up and realize I’m 21? Where did the time go? It seems like last week I was 16, didn’t have a care in the world. But now, I’m 22.
My dad once told me “Your wishing your life away.” I never did believe him. He also said “You wish you was 16, then 18, then 21 before you know it you wake up 40 with a house, kids, etc.” I never truly believed him until later. Here I am, blinking and now my life is flashing before my eyes. When did it happen? I’m so scared I’m going to wake up 40. That scares the living hell out of me. I’m missing the best years of my life. I believe next year I will set goals. One, going back to school (maybe a degree in Business math or something like that), two, get my own place with NO room mates (nothing wrong with room mates); just us two and kitty, three, buy myself something for no good reason. Yeah, sounds easy. . .never easy. lol I will be making more money, CJ will have a job and everything will come together. 😉 I have hopes. I have dreams. I once read in someones blog “All Dreams are Dead. So make new ones”. This I will do.
New dreams, new beginings, new life. I have what it takes. I’m smart. I’m a great person. I am ME!!
Life will be okay. Simply put. Everything will be okay. I can’t look on the down side. I’m loved. I’m in a pretty good mood right now and I have everything I could ask for in this moment. Okay. . .nothing is as bad as it seems.
Plus Cj said I could get a kitty. Yayness! Things might be looking up.
I’m off to cook a meal, clean a little before work. Later.