life

Infertility Specialist

I am so heartbroken I haven’t became pregnant yet. Kyle and I have been trying for almost 3 years. I have had two surgeries trying to fix whatever is wrong with me and nothing has helped. My doctor said he wanted to send me to a infertility specialist since he really doesn’t deal with infertility on a regular basis. I am sad but I’m kind of happy too. It really is a love hate kind of deal. I am happy my doctor is good enough to tell me up front he doesn’t deal with this all the time and hasn’t wasted my time in the process. He has been wonderful up until this point. He said he will continue to work with the infertility clinic to ensure the best of care.

I have an appointment October 2nd. I hope to get a better idea of what is going on. I am so damn frustrated because I have put myself through a lot of pain to not have an answer. I feel like I am so alone with the whole process too because everyone either tells me to just “relax” or “it will happen”. That is easy to say when you already have kids. Plus, I feel like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. It’s like a kick right in the non-baby maker.

Unless you have the problem, you will never understand the hurt I have when I wake every month knowing I will start my period and not be pregnant. The only thing I want to complete my family and I can’t have it. But I am sure if I was on meth or didn’t have a job or a dead beat husband / boyfriend I would have two or three kids. I know that is a very shitty thing to say but you know, that’s how it seems to be around here.

I need to learn not to touch stuff

I really need to learn not to touch stuff once I have fix it. About two and a half weeks ago I finally called about my hard drive making all kinds of noise and running very slow. I had just got the hard drive for Christmas this past December. I call Western Digital, it’s still under warranty. They sent me a new one and I had to send my old one back. I had already backed everything up. I finally got every thing replaced, installed and working.

I start reading about Ubuntu again. I really missed playing with it. I had it installed ages ago. I think even before I had my current computer build. I tied installing it and it totally messed up my new hard drive. It will no longer boot Windows nor Ubuntu from the install.

Currently I backed up all files on a external hard drive and trying to run Window’s Startup Repair in hopes it can fix my hard drive I just got from Western Digital. For some reason it turned my hard drive to a RAW state not a NTFS. Not sure what happen but whatever. I have learned my lesson. I just hope I don’t have to buy a new hard drive and this one will work. Otherwise I might be doing everything from the laptop until I get some extra money.

Right this moment I am saving every dime for next week when my Cammie will be here visiting for a whole week. We haven’t spent a whole week together since 2010. I need time with her more then my hard drive at this moment.

Trying to

I guess I have decided not to buy the car. I’m very sure I could get the loan since I started working but I don’t want to add another payment on to our bills each month until I get all of my doctor bills paid for. I don’t want to make us run low when we don’t have too. You know?

Anyway, Spunky has a vet visit today. His stupid allergies are acting up again since Spring is on its way. The grass makes his eyes water and he is starching himself to death. He has no fleas, so I know that can’t be it. This happen last year too. He gets a shot he feels better. One a month until allergy season is gone. The joys of having a pet. But you know, I wouldn’t trade him for anything.

Just an update since I am trying to get back into this whole blogging thing. I don’t really remember it being this hard. Hmm.

Thinking about car shopping

I have been thinking about getting a new car for about 6 months. Main reason I have had my car for almost 130,000 miles. Many road trips and since 2007. I love my car don’t get me wrong I’ve had some great times but I feel like its time to upgrade. I need something with a little better gas. I am looking at a Ford Focus; 4 door; 4 CL. So it’s a small car but a little roomy. It’s a 2011, with less than 15,000 miles. Downside they want $10,000 for a car. I think in the long run it would be a good car and worth the money. I’m just not sure if I can get a car loan since I just started my job and Kyle just got the house loan in his name. I plan on going to the bank Friday and talking to them. I can only see. You never know until you try.

Odd dream

I’ve had this dream twice now. Both almost the same. I’m in a house, it feels like I own it or I live there. I’m sitting in the living room with Cody (my ex) we are talking, laughing as if no angry ever was between us. It’s never sexual. Just as if we had been best friends all this time.

I feel so guilty when I wake up because I know it’s wrong to have anything to do with him. I don’t want him in my life nor have I had him in my life in years. I’m not sure why all of a sudden I’m dreaming about him now.

I feel like my brain is trying to tell me something but I have no clue what. I’m completely happy with Kyle. I have everything I have every wanted or need. Very odd to say the least.