I promised myself I would update more but every time I sit down to blog all I can think about to write is how I am still so pissed I am not pregnant (naturally) yet, I still don’t have the money yet to become pregnant with IVF, how my meth-head cousin just found out she is pregnant, (TMI) like today I am due for my period and all I want to do is cry.
I am so tired of crying and avoiding pregnant people. I’m sad my friends feel like they can’t tell me if they become pregnant because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I am happy they care enough about me but on the other hand; I feel so terrible that they have to censor themselves around me.
I’m just sick and tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying when will it be our turn. I’m tired of saying that out loud. I’m tired of my husband telling me it’s going to be okay and holding me while I cry at night.
One thing I can say is that infertility has made me and my husband very strong as a couple. I can depend on him no matter what. We started on this journey for children very early into our relationship, due to issues with them (doctors) thinking I was going to have to have a full hysterectomy due to pre-cancer cells I was lucky they was able to fix the issues so we could continue with this journey but that was over three years ago and here we are still trying. I just don’t know how much more I can really take. I’m just so depressed about it. Maybe I need to find some local support groups around here. Not sure if it would help or not. At least I can say I tried.
Sometimes I feel like my infertility makes me a terrible person because I hate looking at social media and seeing everyone pregnant or just had a baby and I just want to de-friend each and everyone of them. I truly want to be happy but I have so much hate because they each one of them has the only thing I truly want. The one thing that I want to complete my family is the one thing I can’t get.
I am going under treatment for my infertility and I still haven’t got pregnant yet. I have only taken the Clomid only one cycle but my doctors told me not to take it this month since Kyle hasn’t had a chance to go to the urologist (Kyle has a low sperm count and we don’t know why since all his blood work came back normal). His appointment is at the end of this month, once he does that we find out his problem we go from there. I am so sick and tired of dealing with it out.
Why can’t it just happen? Why can’t I be the one? Why can’t I just be happy for everyone? I am so tired.
Taken with iPad on Easter 2013
Today has been a long day. I’m tired. Still pissed about Erika being pregnant & me not being. On top of that I had to be around her due to the fact it’s Easter. Cendy grilled out for dinner & everyone was there visiting.
The grilled food smelled like happy. Note to self: most get a grill.
I am a terrible blogger. I have been wanting to update, but it seems life always gets in the way. I just started another semester of school, still working and we had been trying to find a place to move but at last the house loan didn’t come through like we needed, so we are stuck here for a few more months but I made myself this promise. We will be in a house by next year at this time.
I have had so much I wanted to blog about, like ex boyfriend Cody texting me for the first time in forever or the fact that like I stated we was looking at houses to buy, or school starting. . .just really over all boring stuff.
Far as Cody texting me. He started the first text off with “Since you are still friends with my whole family we should be too” and then preceded to tell me that he “always promised to tell me if he ever got deployed“. Well, it’s a little late to start keeping promises now, don’t you think asshole!?! I’m just stating facts. You also promised to “always love me”, to “always be there for me” or and lets not forget “promised to marry me”. Did you keep any of those promises? Hell no!! Ahhh, what an asshole!!!! That’s all I got. What kind of nerve do you have to text me after all this time? I texted a few little things back but after I did I felt dirty and used and almost heartbroken all over again. . .why? I’m not sure or maybe I felt more sorry for him or whatever the case maybe. He tired texting me a week or so later but it was only one message stating “Well, Jenn I finally got my first tattoo.” I didn’t even bother responding. I’m not even going to again. I don’t like the feelings he brings up inside of me when he contacts me. I feel so much angry still and just plan sorry for him. I have decided when and I say when / if, but he has been the one to contact me every time since I decided I was no longer going to contact him back when me and Kyle got together, but like I said it isn’t if. . .it’s when he contacts me again I am going to send him this:
Error: Your message could not be sent. The Ex you’re trying to reach has moved on. Error number: 3 years wasted!
I think it will get the point across. He made comments when we first broke up if he got deployed could he still write me like he did in basic. I told him then why not write your whore you left me for. I mean, if she was worth losing / leaving me over, write her. I’m not going to waste my time on you. He seemed hurt by this statement at the time but it’s how I feel. I’m not hiding any feelings from him now. I have no reason too. Oh god he won’t talk to me again. Thank god!! I couldn’t get so lucky.
Anyway, on a better note I got another client site to do. I have two clients right now but one hasn’t got back with me since they paid. Weird, and the other one I just started. At least they are paying jobs. I love the fact I get to work on different kinds of projects that I normally wouldn’t do for myself. You know?
We have nice things because we work hard and save money. And when get finally get enough money we buy what we want. I price check for weeks and I look every way in the world to save money. In doing so, we get good deals and there for have nice things. Why should we be sorry for this?
This blog entry comes about because of Kyle’s sister. I love her, really I do. I don’t say anything about it much but it does bother me. Every dime she gets she spends. And normally doesn’t have anything to show for it. Kyle and I got school money. We got enough back from grants that we was able to buy him a new Jeep (year 2000) but new to us. 😀 A new TV for our living room and a bed frame. We shopped wisely and doing so saved a lot of money. We all three got school money at the same time. She already has asked to borrow money. She works and her boyfriend works. Both make pretty good money, more then Kyle does. And we keep our bills paid but she is already asking to borrow money because she loaned hers out and spend it. WTF? I don’t think so.
Because you are money stupid doesn’t mean we are stupid too. Family or not, I don’t think so. :blah:
On the plus side, we got a new 4×4 Jeep this week, last week a new 55″ flat screen TV (thanks hhgreg sales) and a new bed frame. Over all been a good two weeks.