puzzle piece

Amazing Journey

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours-it is an amazing journey-and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. — Unknown

Maybe my life hasn’t begun. I truly enjoy knowing others need me and I need someone. I need a few things in life to be happy. One being love, to love someone and to get that love in return. Friends being another one. I love being able to hang out or talk whenever. Having my own space. I miss this at times. I miss not sharing anything but there again I love it too. 😆 I love sharing my house with my other half. I love being able to have my own space too. I think everyone is like that.

I miss my friends in Glasgow. I miss so much from my past. I enjoy my life now. I love so much of it. It’s hard to put into words. I don’t blame anyone for where I’m at in life. I am my own person. I have made every choice for myself. . .not much help from others.

I feel like I need to change things for the better. I need to take charge of my life. I rely on a lot of people. I use to not be that way. I felt like if I can’t do it, then I didn’t need to. I had my own place; by myself. I paid for everything, didn’t care what anyone thought. I did what I wanted and didn’t answer to no one. I was also very lonely during those times. I cried a lot. I had fun at times but over all even thou I had my friends near, I was kind of dating and what not. I was very lonely. I felt empty among groups of people and I felt lost.

At times I miss the people of my past. I wish I could have them near. I wish my past was different. At times I wish now was different. But I don’t know what I want different. I’m not sure what I would change, if I would change anything.

I miss the idea of marriage. I miss the idea that I was almost a mother. I miss the idea of maybe buying a house and working the 9-5. I also don’t miss the fighting and the yelling and never getting anywhere. Always behind and feeling lost. . .again. I do miss the friendship; the closeness we had. I do miss him. . .at times it still hurts. Those months like March and October. Those months hurt the most. The child we almost had. :worried:

I do love the man I’m with. Very much. I worry he truly doesn’t get me but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to work. I want to be happy. I use to see myself spending the rest of my life with someone else. Now, I try to see myself with him. I do at times. Others; I see us going our own way and being happy that we touched each others lives. I know he loves me. I know he cares.

I feel these emotions from him. But for a while now I also felt rage, fear or passion. So many emotions. Manly anger. I felt so alone at those times. I can’t count how many nights I cried myself to sleep or how many times I had to beg him not to go. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame anyone. I’m not mad at him or anything like that. I don’t resent him for it. I love him. But is it true; love is blind? It hurts to think of us not together. It hurts to breath and I feel sick to think about it. At times I want him so close. I love coming home to him.

I’m not even sure anymore what my point was. I don’t have a reason for this. I’m even sure why I wrote all of this. I have so much inside. I don’t even think I have anyone I can talk to anymore.

One last thought. . .does he love me like I need him too?

PS: The move went great. Been here a week now.

Times like these

“In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.” –Paul Harvey

I’m at times lost with myself. Feeling like I have no where to turn. I don’t have an up or a down. I feel like I’m stuck. Then at other times I feel so overwhelmed or feel so happy it almost hurts. Is that possible. To feel so happy it almost hurts. That doesn’t make sense does it. I don’t know how to put it in to words. I want to be able to put all my thoughts in to words.

I truly don’t get it

You know what I don’t get. Okay. So everyone gets what the hell is going on. We are going to have a couple named Boy and Girl. Boy and Girl is our friends. Well, was our friends. This is how it starts. Sit down for a while. I have a store for you.

Boy and girl love each. Have a few fights with each other. Like any other couple. Boy saves girl from a horrible live. (As I hear it. Still not sure the hole story but never the less) Saved her while still in high school. He talks his over bearing parents in to letting her live there. They date for a total of two years. Now in college. Girl is under a lot of stress. Working, going to school, boyfriend and what not. Totally understandable.

Boy and girl still in love. Nothing wrong. Now out of no where girl loses mind. Decides she can’t do this anymore. Has to go to the hospital for 72 hours before she can leave. The day she gets out her mother who hasn’t really been in the picture picks her up takes her to her house that is about 3 hours or more away. Talking her into moving there; leaving everyone and everything that has helped her get her life in order for the passed two years.

Her mother lets girl get away with everything. A tattoo, new piercings and what not. She decides to leave boy for a new boyfriend. (Let’s call him boy 2.) Mother lets girl let boy 2 stay the night, shower together, sleep together. Even when she knew boy 1 loves her more then anything. Boy 1’s family has signed bank notes and what not for her to go to college. Let her live in there house for a year. She had barely left boy 1 before she had cheated on him with boy 2. Girl and boy was waiting to do anything together until marriage. What the hell?

I truly don’t think girl loved boy. She has a fight with new boyfriend and runs to boy 1 for help. WTF?!? Boy 1 loves her so much that he listens. Helps her. His heart is breaking. . .She doesn’t seem to care. She says things just to hurt him. She even brings new boyfriend to boy 1’s house to get her stuff. If I had been boy 1 I would have kicked boy 2’s ass so hard he would have been coughing boot weeks from now.

God dang! That’s all I have. I don’t understand. But watching this really bad break up has made me truly look at my own relationship and think god I love him. That I know that he wouldn’t do that to me and I wouldn’t do that to him. I have more respect for him then that. That she didn’t love him or she wouldn’t have done that that way.

If she had wanted to break up. She could have done it in a way for him to understand. But no one around her understands. I know she hasn’t called me. I don’t hate her. I don’t. But I will never trust her again. I wish the best for her but I will never forgive her for hurting boy 1 that way. He is such a great person.

Around for 1,000 of miles

I feel like I’m all out of great ideas. I feel tired and ill. I don’t feel all here anymore. I’ve lost touch with myself and everything and everyone around me. I say things or do things and act ways that I know I shouldn’t but can’t help to keep doing it.

I cry for silly reasons and then ask myself later why. I beg for his attention and found myself lonely. I found myself feeling lonelier more each day. I feel like I don’t even know the man that I love.

I feel like he is repulsed by me. . .by my actions. . . I cry almost every night over something. I try to play with him or make him feel wanted and all I get is turned down over and over. I beg for him to notice my hurt and anger. I’m so sick and tired.

I love him. I do. I go out of my way for him and I know he does too for me at times. I try so hard for him. When I wanted to give up. I didn’t for him. When I’m upset I get compared to his mother and grandmother. That he refuses to deal with another women like them. All depressed and such. It hurts to be told he isn’t going to deal with my hurt, my pain or my anger. Why not? Does he not love me that much?

I can’t help the fact that I’m upset or sad at times. I try to be optimist. (I really do.) Or I use to be. When everything is going wrong. I don’t know how to look up anymore. I’ve got back to that point in my life. I’ve got to that edge again. I feel trapped and worthless.

I look at him and feel joy and pain. How can that be? I feel his touch and feel like it’s forced. As if he is only dealing with me until something or someone better comes a long. Why do I feel this way?

Last night I tried to kiss on him. To love on him. All I wanted is to be kissed back. My hair to be moved out of my face and for him to touch my skin softly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with me.

All I want is sex. As far he thinks. He doesn’t get it. NO, I want him. I want the closeness of it. I want to feel him so close. It makes me feel like I’m wanted. That he needs me.

Is that what it boils down too. I want him to need me. I want him to want me. Do I need that to be happy? Do I need to know those things? He says I love you. Is that enough? Or do I need more? I guess I’m to needy. I can see that. To needy. . .at times.

He says so much to me but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel his breath on my skin anymore. I don’t feel his touch so soft. I don’t feel his soul. . .I see a man before me but not the man that I love. The person that made everything okay. Not the man I fell in love with.

I feel so lost right now. I want to go climb in his arms and feel his warmth. I want to feel him breathing in my ears but I’m scared to death that it might be as cold as ice. That I might be climbing into his arms but feel even lonelier. Can that be? Can that happen?

Be sitting next to someone and feel like no one is around for 1,000 of miles? That can’t happen. . .but I do feel that way.

Nor do I

I feel so used sometimes. I know he doesn’t mean it that way. It feels sometimes that he always gets what he wants in the end and I am stuck doing all the dirty work. Even after everything is said and done.

I know he doesn’t get many days off from life and nor do I. I always feel like on my days off from everything I’m still stuck doing all the little things around the house because if I didn’t do them, they wouldn’t get done. Or I have things I have to get done around town or I have to go to EC (my hometown) for something. Always something. Never time down.

For once I want him to be like; don’t worry. I know he tells me “Go have fun. Do something you want to do. Shop. Or something like that.” I don’t want to shop for useless things. And on top of that, I don’t want to waste our money on stuff for me. I feel bad when I do that or I would never hear the end of it because we both know in the end I would get told I didn’t need to waste our money for stupid shit. I don’t have friends to hang out with. He knows I will stay here and get the necessary things done. I hope I’m right about he doesn’t realize I feel this way. I’m almost sure of it.

I’m not mad or upset because he has friends or on his time off he hangs out or does what he wants. I just want him to offer to help me out or offer to take his time to do what I have to do. It would be nice to just step back and truly breathe.

I’m kind of jealous of his life sometimes. . .he has so much going for him. I’m jealous because he is busy with important stuff. I’m stuck with the simple stuff. . .like working fast food and cleaning house. I hate my life sometimes. I do like the fact I have a nice place to live, I have a boyfriend that loves me but that’s it. That’s about the end of what I like about it. This upsets me.

I’m embarrassed to say what I do for a living. I’m embarrassed about all of it. I’m not important. . . Just jealous. . .I feel so. . .down.