18Aug   I am a better person because you weren’t

Tonight the ex sent me a thank you text message for returning the last of his stuff to him. (It’s only been over a year since we broke up.) I bagged it up and gave it to his father. What I really wanted to do with it, was burn it and leave the ashes on his door step like he did mine during our first break up but I am a believer in karma. So, I did the right thing.

Does it still make me a bad person for thinking that? Or wanting to do that still?

He will remain a piece of shit for what he did to me. He left me used and broken. Tried to play me for a fool and I still was going to give him another chance. Something was wrong with me. . .and I see now what it was. He had me thinking I couldn’t live without him. His mistake. I could. I had a life before him and I will have a life after him.

I told someone the other day. Him cheating and leaving was the best thing he ever did for me. Why? Because it taught me that I can survive heartache like that. It taught me watch my step and don’t just give my heart away so easily. It changed me into a better person. It taught me more then I could ever put into words. And if he hadn’t left me. I would have never found Kyle.

Kyle is the most amazing, perfect other half if their ever was one. He has made me whole again and without him I would truly be lost. I am thankful everyday for him. I wouldn’t trade my past for anything. If I changed one thing, I wouldn’t be going to sleep every night in the arms of the man I love.

So, thank you Cody. Thank you for being a piece of shit and doing what you did. I truly mean that. I am grateful now for it. I am a better person because you weren’t.

8Aug   Test Results

I am so happy I got my test results. Everything is fine!! 🙂 That is all!

3Aug   Two options

I feel like I should update on life. Not a whole lot of stuff going on day to day life but some stuff does happen. Right now I had to have another biopsy over cervical dysplasia. Which in normal talk “pre-cancer” or the start of cancer. Which to me I thought couldn’t get any scarier then, August 1st, I had to have another biopsy done. Those cells are showing up again, not sure how bad yet but the doctor came into the office while I wait half naked. Stating two things if this pre-cancer is back or worse then it was in February I have two options. That is it. TWO! I am thinking okay. It can’t be that bad. Well, I was wrong.

Option one is put me in the hospital this time and do another LEEP / colposcopy and / or a cone biopsy. They want to take more of my cervices. Or Option two a hysterectomy. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that at 25 I would have to face this choice. That my future husband may not be able to have children and that his options for children can be answered for him because of this. I am so hurt by it. I won’t have a real answer to what I have to do until I get my results. Longest wait ever! They said 3 – 5 days. I should know something by Friday.

Kyle said he loves me and won’t leave if we can’t have children. They we have other options besides having children ourselves. But I wanted us to have a family so bad. I wanted us to have the whole life together. I just feel so sad and scared and hurt and so many other things that I just can’t put into words right now. I know he loves me, but how can he still want to be with someone that can’t have children. He said he kind of wanted a family but he loves me and wants what is best for me.

I love him so much and I am truly lucky to have someone like him. He cares so much and is willing to even sacrifice this for me. This is someone that loves me without borders, without limitations. Thank you Kyle for being so amazing and prefect for me!

3Aug   Please God