truth

The eye of the beholder

I wrote this in May 2009 and it holds just as much true now as it did then. I thought I would repost it.

It’s all about perception. How we perceive things. How we perceive the situation. How we look at it from our point of view.

We all see things one way or another. How we look at something is why we do what we do in the end. Why we decide to move or pick our friends, the job we have. We all have reasons. In the end it is why we did what we did.

I can’t explain some of my actions over the years. All I can say is it was how I perceived the situation at that time. I did what I felt was right at that time. I wish I had more of an answer but I don’t. This upsets me to a point but all in all. I can’t take it back. I can try to make up for it. I can try to hope that when I am dead and gone and I am watching this movie called “Life”. I can laugh and realize their was a point to it all.

That my love didn’t die in vane. My thoughts and feelings was for no reason. That my ideas was there and meaningful. I hope in the end how I perceived things was everything that I had hoped for. That I couldn’t have asked for more.

Friday 5: Alternate Uses

  1. A sticky note is supposed to be used for sticking notes temporarily to stuff. What’s a different way you’ve used a sticky note? I wrote passwords, how much I need to pay off or what people need to pay me for weeks at a time.
  2. Plastic cutlery is supposed to be used for moving food from a plate to your mouth a few times before being discarded. What’s a different way you’ve used plastic cutlery? I’ve kept plastic cutlery for lunches so I didn’t lose my “real” cutlery.
  3. Books are supposed to be for reading. What’s a different way you’ve used a book? Top hold up my Macbook, to keep a drink from leaving a ring on my table.
  4. A file folder is supposed to be used for holding and organizing important papers. What’s a different way you’ve used a file folder? I have put everything on my desk in it until I had time to deal with the paper work.
  5. A shoe is an article of clothing meant for wearing on a foot. What’s a different way you’ve used a shoe? To kill bugs, to let the dog have a chew toy. You know, normal stuff.

—Friday 5

A sad Christmas for us

Friday (12.20.13), Kyle & I learned we will never conceive children naturally. Our only hope most likely will be IVF. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

People who have biological children don’t really understand what it’s like to realize there is a very real chance you will NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Hence, even considering adoption takes a huge leap of faith because as much as you will love any child you may adopt, they will never be the combination of you and your partner’s genes.

Every holiday with family that has babies/children is a kick in the womb. All I can think about is how Kyle & I might not ever get the chance so many bad parents take for granted. How unfair is that? I feel like my infertility is consuming me. I hate the person I’m turning into because of it. I’ve never been the one for being jealous of anyone but I am. I’m jealous that to me everyone has the only thing I can’t have: a child.

At what length is too great to try to make your family complete? How much money is too much to spend? How long is to long? When is it time to realize your womb, your family, your whole idea for what you wanted might never be? When is it time to except your dreams are broken? When?

Infertility Specialist

I am so heartbroken I haven’t became pregnant yet. Kyle and I have been trying for almost 3 years. I have had two surgeries trying to fix whatever is wrong with me and nothing has helped. My doctor said he wanted to send me to a infertility specialist since he really doesn’t deal with infertility on a regular basis. I am sad but I’m kind of happy too. It really is a love hate kind of deal. I am happy my doctor is good enough to tell me up front he doesn’t deal with this all the time and hasn’t wasted my time in the process. He has been wonderful up until this point. He said he will continue to work with the infertility clinic to ensure the best of care.

I have an appointment October 2nd. I hope to get a better idea of what is going on. I am so damn frustrated because I have put myself through a lot of pain to not have an answer. I feel like I am so alone with the whole process too because everyone either tells me to just “relax” or “it will happen”. That is easy to say when you already have kids. Plus, I feel like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. It’s like a kick right in the non-baby maker.

Unless you have the problem, you will never understand the hurt I have when I wake every month knowing I will start my period and not be pregnant. The only thing I want to complete my family and I can’t have it. But I am sure if I was on meth or didn’t have a job or a dead beat husband / boyfriend I would have two or three kids. I know that is a very shitty thing to say but you know, that’s how it seems to be around here.