wedding

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5 Best Decisions

So around the internet today I have seen multiple people do posts about the 5 best decisions they have made in their lives and I thought I would do the same. These are not in any real order. Just what has come to mind first.

  1. Being a home owner: In 2009 I decided to stop renting a one bedroom apartment for $465 a month to buying a trailer and moving back to my home town about 30 miles away. I believe I made a good choice. I had lost my job and was on unemployment and was able to get a trailer for a really good deal. It’s a 2 bedroom 14’x60′. It isn’t much I joke but it is paid for and for right now it is home. I don’t plan on living here for ever but it works nicely until I save more money to buy a house.
  2. Learning web design: When I was barely a teenager I decided I loved the world of internet and web design. I started out on the wonderful world of Expages. Then moved to a free host, tried to find a real host with a domain. I found Pick-Me. Doing so, I found a host and a life long friend that I could NEVER see myself without. I found my Cammie. She is my other-other half. I really do love that girl. What we do for BFFs.
  3. Going to College: When I decided I was going to college, I was still in a pretty bad relationship and I knew I couldn’t depend on someone else helping me out in life. I decided I would go for something I loved: web design. I am still going and I do love it. Even if it is kicking my ass right now because of work. I’m looking forward in proving everyone that I can do this.
  4. Kyle: I know a person isn’t a decision but a relationship is. I had just started school. Been kind of dating off and on but hadn’t been seeing anyone in a few months when I met Kyle. We had a few classes together and I started to get to know him during that time. In October of 2010 we started dating. I haven’t looked back since. He is an amazing person and I truly know now why it hasn’t worked with any other person. He is my strength when I am weak. We aren’t perfect but I don’t think we could get any closer. We are engaged and set a date for October 11, 2012 (10.11.12).
  5. Caroline & Meadow: When I was 13 my mom and dad got my brother’s kids. They were 2 years old and 6 months old. I choose to help raise them. I didn’t have to give up my afternoons or weekends but I did. I still do so much for them. I think about them before I would think about myself. I don’t have children and I don’t know if I even can but I know that the gods put them two kids in my life for a reason and I love every minute I have with them. They have helped me grow in to a well-rounded person and helped me become someone that they can look-up too. They made me grow up a little to fast but we grew up together. I was a child stepping in to the shoes that I didn’t have too. But when family needs you, you do what you have to do. My mother couldn’t have taken them if I hadn’t stepped up.
Aside

Zooms back

For the past 5 months all I could talk about is how happy I was. How nothing could pop my bubble. . .well, doesn’t plans change. My wedding to the man I thought was of my dreams dump me. After 5 months of him being gone and me waiting for him. This game that we have been playing has been going on for a total of almost 3 years. Enough is enough. I love you. I truly do.

I’m not mad at how it has all played out because I am guessing this is how it is suppose to be. If we are meant to be, it will either work out or we are not. I am sick and tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I have made mistakes, I have paid for each and everyone of them. I can’t take back my past and if I could, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change all the happy moments or sad moments. Those moments were meant to happen. Those moments shaped us into the person we are today.

Those memories, they seem like dreams now. I keep saying “if only. . .” But then I try to take a step back and look again. If only isn’t a choice and I zoom back in to reality. This still feels like a nightmare. I am hurting.

I want you to find whatever your looking for. Whether it maybe love, life, happiness or even just being content. Everyone should be happy. Life is too short. That’s what you keep telling me.

I’m not looking for anything. I was happy. . .it was ripped away. You can’t change your actions now nor would I want you too. I just want you to know, I hope we can be friends. That with time I could be happy for you too. That we look back and remember that we changed each other. That we loved each other truly. That all this pain we feel was for something and not nothing. That it showed us that we are still alive, that there is still something magical out there.

Aside

Really shitty

A few entries ago I wrote: “When life is good, life is really good. And when life is shit, life is really shitty it seems.” Right now, I feel like it is really shitty. Cody has canceled the wedding. Well, we have moved it up to whenever he feels ready. I am scared to death he is going to get deployed or moved to a different location and I won’t be able to go. SCARED. TO. DEATH!! Simple as that. He says he has cold feet, needs to find himself and the list goes on. I know I still want to marry him and I love him.

I am so depressed this week. I thought it would be different. So different. I thought this next two weeks would be us getting ready for our wedding and honeymoon. Getting every little detail down. But no, now I have friend flying in out of state that is coming in for no reason but to visit now. I feel bad for that. I am super happy at least Cammie is getting to come and visit still but I really wanted her to be in the wedding. Oh, well. A dress has been bought, cake been ordered, hotel been booked. Everything is going to take all this week to cancel or get a hold of people to tell them not to come. It’s crazy. It all feels like shit. I feel terrible.

I am so upset. I didn’t even go to work today. This weekend was suppose to be amazing. I picked Cody up and it wasn’t nothing like I had hoped. All I know is I feel sad and depressed. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling anymore. It’s been so long since I felt this bad.

My mom and I are even in to it over this. She is being so unreasonable. She isn’t talking to me. Whatever happen to it being my life?

Aside

The prefect dress

I went to a little dress shop in my home town and tried on some dresses today after I got off work. And I found one. It is so pretty. I feel like a holiday Barbie. It isn’t like the dress I picked out online but I was kind of hoping to find one close to home so I could try it on. If I order online I have to hope it fits. It fits so nice. I am in love all over again. <3

Also, we kind of have a new addition to our little family. My road I live on is known to throw animals out of. Which is terribly sad but it happens in the real world of living in such a small town they down even have an animal shelter. People normally place unwanted dogs and cats out. Well, I have been known to feed the cats. They are great when you live with a field behind your home. 🙂 Someone dropped out a pitbull puppy most likely from the age 4 – 6 months old. He is starved half to death. He is nothing but skin and bones. I wish I was making that part up but I’m not. He looks terrible but I am going to get his weight back on. *cross fingers*

I talk to Cody about it tonight. He says he likes the idea of having a bigger dog around the house to kind of protect me when he is gone. Which when I was a kid we had a pitbull and he was amazing. He never tried to bit or anything. This puppy has been pretty amazing so far. He hasn’t once tried to chase the cats inside nor has he tried to bit or snip at them. He didn’t try to bit when I took food from him and he was pretty hungry. I was talking to Cammie about it and she says I have a keeper. I think so too. He is a sweet puppy. Thinks he is the size of the cats still. Super cute.

Besides that, I did book our hotel for our honeymoon. 5 nights in Smoky Mountains. I can’t wait. I have so much for use to do, like never leave our room. But really, I mean, we might leave it for food. . . XD I can’t wait. Eeee!

One of the best parts of getting married. “Muh” Cammie is coming down to be my maid of honor! :yay: