16Jul   Engaged!!

15May   Zooms back

For the past 5 months all I could talk about is how happy I was. How nothing could pop my bubble. . .well, doesn’t plans change. My wedding to the man I thought was of my dreams dump me. After 5 months of him being gone and me waiting for him. This game that we have been playing has been going on for a total of almost 3 years. Enough is enough. I love you. I truly do.

I’m not mad at how it has all played out because I am guessing this is how it is suppose to be. If we are meant to be, it will either work out or we are not. I am sick and tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I have made mistakes, I have paid for each and everyone of them. I can’t take back my past and if I could, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change all the happy moments or sad moments. Those moments were meant to happen. Those moments shaped us into the person we are today.

Those memories, they seem like dreams now. I keep saying “if only. . .” But then I try to take a step back and look again. If only isn’t a choice and I zoom back in to reality. This still feels like a nightmare. I am hurting.

I want you to find whatever your looking for. Whether it maybe love, life, happiness or even just being content. Everyone should be happy. Life is too short. That’s what you keep telling me.

I’m not looking for anything. I was happy. . .it was ripped away. You can’t change your actions now nor would I want you too. I just want you to know, I hope we can be friends. That with time I could be happy for you too. That we look back and remember that we changed each other. That we loved each other truly. That all this pain we feel was for something and not nothing. That it showed us that we are still alive, that there is still something magical out there.

10May   Really shitty

A few entries ago I wrote: “When life is good, life is really good. And when life is shit, life is really shitty it seems.” Right now, I feel like it is really shitty. Cody has canceled the wedding. Well, we have moved it up to whenever he feels ready. I am scared to death he is going to get deployed or moved to a different location and I won’t be able to go. SCARED. TO. DEATH!! Simple as that. He says he has cold feet, needs to find himself and the list goes on. I know I still want to marry him and I love him.

I am so depressed this week. I thought it would be different. So different. I thought this next two weeks would be us getting ready for our wedding and honeymoon. Getting every little detail down. But no, now I have friend flying in out of state that is coming in for no reason but to visit now. I feel bad for that. I am super happy at least Cammie is getting to come and visit still but I really wanted her to be in the wedding. Oh, well. A dress has been bought, cake been ordered, hotel been booked. Everything is going to take all this week to cancel or get a hold of people to tell them not to come. It’s crazy. It all feels like shit. I feel terrible.

I am so upset. I didn’t even go to work today. This weekend was suppose to be amazing. I picked Cody up and it wasn’t nothing like I had hoped. All I know is I feel sad and depressed. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling anymore. It’s been so long since I felt this bad.

My mom and I are even in to it over this. She is being so unreasonable. She isn’t talking to me. Whatever happen to it being my life?

1Apr   The prefect dress

I went to a little dress shop in my home town and tried on some dresses today after I got off work. And I found one. It is so pretty. I feel like a holiday Barbie. It isn’t like the dress I picked out online but I was kind of hoping to find one close to home so I could try it on. If I order online I have to hope it fits. It fits so nice. I am in love all over again. <3

Also, we kind of have a new addition to our little family. My road I live on is known to throw animals out of. Which is terribly sad but it happens in the real world of living in such a small town they down even have an animal shelter. People normally place unwanted dogs and cats out. Well, I have been known to feed the cats. They are great when you live with a field behind your home. 🙂 Someone dropped out a pitbull puppy most likely from the age 4 – 6 months old. He is starved half to death. He is nothing but skin and bones. I wish I was making that part up but I’m not. He looks terrible but I am going to get his weight back on. *cross fingers*

I talk to Cody about it tonight. He says he likes the idea of having a bigger dog around the house to kind of protect me when he is gone. Which when I was a kid we had a pitbull and he was amazing. He never tried to bit or anything. This puppy has been pretty amazing so far. He hasn’t once tried to chase the cats inside nor has he tried to bit or snip at them. He didn’t try to bit when I took food from him and he was pretty hungry. I was talking to Cammie about it and she says I have a keeper. I think so too. He is a sweet puppy. Thinks he is the size of the cats still. Super cute.

Besides that, I did book our hotel for our honeymoon. 5 nights in Smoky Mountains. I can’t wait. I have so much for use to do, like never leave our room. But really, I mean, we might leave it for food. . . XD I can’t wait. Eeee!

One of the best parts of getting married. “Muh” Cammie is coming down to be my maid of honor! :yay:

28Mar   Life suddenly

I have been aiming to update. Well, update with a real update, not quotes or site updates.

My life seems to be pushing on very quickly. This year has been such a big year. Let me take that back. Since August of 2009 has been a big life changing events. Cody and I got back together in September of 2008. After a few months of being broken up. Before that we was together for around a year. Since September of 2008 we have been fighting a battle called a normal relationship. Close to the one year mark of being back together we decided to move back in together. Which has been amazing this time around.

During this big move together we also decided to go from renting to buying. Which we only bought a small two bedroom trailer. It’s still a big deal. We also during this time was preparing for him to go from normal college guy to a solider. I dropped him off to leave for basic training January 4th 2010. After 10 weeks of him being gone I finally seen him on March 18th. I still didn’t get to bring him home but that’s okay. He gets done with AIT on May 7th. At that time he comes home.Which will be amazing.

Did I mention also, he asked me to marry him while he was away at basic. So, not only is he coming home on the 7th. We are getting married May 22nd. We had set the date for June before but with the idea of him maybe getting deployed scaring us we went ahead and wanted to get married. It wasn’t moving it up that much. Just less time to prepare.

When he does get home, we have to go a head and get everything for the wedding. Book our hotel. We have decided on Gatlinburg, TN for our honeymoon since we our only about 5 hours away. 🙂 I am so happy about it all. My life has finally started to come back together.

It still makes me smile thinking about everything. I am not staying that everything is perfect because it isn’t but at least I’m happy. I’m happy with the imperfections. I am happy with all of it. I couldn’t have got to this moment without some heartache and pain. But ask me if I would do it all again, I say yes. I would do it all again in a heart beat. I love him and wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. Everything happens for a reason. It’s so cheesy but true.