As I sit here at my computer desk. A lone in the house. I really realize something. Not that I am doom to say this way forever but I am doomed with how I feel. I am doom to keep holding on. Not sure what or why I am holding on to it. Most people are not going to know what I am talking about. But I will go a head and enlighten the whole class. I do very much still love Cody. I don’t know why I do. It’s silly. I know. I miss his touch. His smell. His skin. HIM! I’m am retard. I know. Stop with the looks. God dang!
As Buster said, “Why? You have a perfectly good husband.” He is right. Greg did nothing wrong. That is why I don’t know why I can’t get over this. Something is holding me to him. As I have said I can’t let go and I don’t know why. As Cody has said before, he can’t let go either. He doesn’t know why.
I really wish I did. I want to know what makes me keep dreaming about him. What makes me keep checking his status on sites. Why I get all giggly when I get a text or a call. How happy I am I get to see him for a moment before or after work. I am a horrible person.
This is a stupid reason but one time Cody and I did this whole talking to the “dead” thing. I’m not sure if I believe it or not but whatever. And we would ask questions and one question was “Is me and Cody soul mates?” It said “Yes”. I never questioned it after that. Not once. I am very careful about those words. I don’t just say them to anyone. Love maybe, yes. But not the word soul mate. I really think that is why I can’t let go. So, silly.
Maybe that is it. I am doom to follow my soul mate forever. Sounds romantic but it really isn’t. It is but it isn’t. Does that make sense? I can’t let go because my soul won’t. That has to be it. Everyone has that one person. Does soul mates happen? Are they real? I think so. . .
Words that I can never get out of my head. At least on my mind two out of every ten minutes. “Soul mate”, “love”, “confused”, “happy”, “tainted”, “pissed” and “hurt”. Yeah, I think I covered them. How upsetting?
I tell myself all the time, a day does not go by that someone does make me go “WTF, amazing”. lol I swear. I work in customer care. I take phone calls all day. Don’t call me and tell me that “You are going to remove this and credit be back because you said so”. You know what I will do. For the rest of the call I will not help you in anyway. I give credit based on a few things. Such as good payment history. How ofter you call. How often you ask for credit or if you have ever had credit given. I do not give it to people that call me nasty and racist. I am sorry, you don’t know if you are in roaming or not. I am sorry you can’t pay your bills. I am sorry you don’t know when your in another country.
I normally don’t mind my job. It is a job. It pays my bills. To break down my job. I get paid to listen to people yell and then want things from me. I also activate phones. I tell people why they are getting charged. Then I get yelled at more. I inform people of past due balances and then ask for a payment. This also hints in more yelling. I also, take payments. That is my job 8 hours a day; 40 hours a week.
The peaks of my job. I get to sit at a desk. I enjoy my work place. I like the people I work with. I get paid to sit. I am warm in winter and cold during summer. Over all it isn’t bad. Just bad moments. I just don’t understand people.
Why ask for so much and not respect the person your talking to. I couldn’t handle yelling at someone and then be like “By the way, can you give me credit or can you do this for me.” Hello? WTF? I can’t handle it. I hate people. I really do. Well, most people.
I keep writing the same thing. Save me. What does those words really mean at this point? What I need and what I really want is two very different things. Save me. Two very simple words. Very strong simple words.
I like to think I have been a very strong person. That I have been a very willful person. Does that make sense? I mean, really? I know it doesn’t. It’s cool. I never make sense. Most people that know me, doesn’t truly know me. They know a person I project.
I haven’t really been truthful to many people. Not many people around me sees the person I am. In side I am screaming at the top of my lungs for help. Save me. Those words again. What do I need to be saved from? Myself. No, never. That can’t be.
Or again, I am fighting a battle I can’t win. Most likely the case. Silly me. Fighting for this, fighting this stupid battle. Lets see what happens, happen. No, nothing works out that way. Or does it. Well, for some it does. Not me, never for me. Wait, my optimist side is showing. That’s me Miss Sunshine herself. No, wait. That is a lie too.
Call me Emo, or Sad or whatever the word. I am me. Scared. Has secret. Has lies. Has some much hidden. Not many people see this side. I wish they knew. Everyone has secret. Mine just happen to be big. . .not really. Same secrets as everyone else.
It hurts to know something about people. The little stuff is what hurts. I can seem to forgive about the big stuff. The little stuff is what hurts. The little comments or action that cuts right to the soul. It’s hard to watch your soul mate walk away. To tell you “Cake, yum. Can I have it and eat it too?” Why not? Silly me.
I can’t believe how I feel. Silly me. Save me. Simple so fucking simple. Maybe that is the problem in itself. Nothing is simple but this one thing. Truly is. How odd? How funny? How queer? Not really. I have become mad.
Once there was a girl. A very beautiful girl. She was very lost. Lost in a dark evil forest. Very lonely. Maybe to lonely. She feels like she might see light at the end of the forest. Maybe day. . .maybe silly magic at the end of the forest. Is her heart, her eyes playing tricks on her?
I do believe so. She stays lost and confused about her surrounds. She sees passer by and she speaks. No one hears her voice. She touches their face to only find ghost. Left over ghost of pass moments. A very nasty trick you ask me.
Her heart beats for her soul mate. She thinks she might see him at the end of this forest. Is she doomed to walk alone? Is she doomed to only see ghost forever?
Tune in next week for the conclusion of “As The Fairy Tail Turns”
I have given up on love. I swear. I do love. I love very much but all it does is cause me more confusion and more hurt.
What do you do when the one you want to save you doesn’t want you anymore? What do you do when your jealous of the actions of a man you don’t want to be with? What do you do when your hurt by a friendly hug but you want that hug?
I don’t know if it hurts less or hurts more to get those friendly touches. :/
I’m so lost. :save me: Just save me please.