Author: Jenn

Jenn http://jennifer-cowles.org Beautiful, 30 something, geek by choice, happily married for 6+ years, college graduate, perfectly imperfect, blogger, fur mom, music lover! I'm tattooed, pierced & wild at times but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Project 42; the answer to life the universe and everything.

I truly don’t get it

You know what I don’t get. Okay. So everyone gets what the hell is going on. We are going to have a couple named Boy and Girl. Boy and Girl is our friends. Well, was our friends. This is how it starts. Sit down for a while. I have a store for you.

Boy and girl love each. Have a few fights with each other. Like any other couple. Boy saves girl from a horrible live. (As I hear it. Still not sure the hole story but never the less) Saved her while still in high school. He talks his over bearing parents in to letting her live there. They date for a total of two years. Now in college. Girl is under a lot of stress. Working, going to school, boyfriend and what not. Totally understandable.

Boy and girl still in love. Nothing wrong. Now out of no where girl loses mind. Decides she can’t do this anymore. Has to go to the hospital for 72 hours before she can leave. The day she gets out her mother who hasn’t really been in the picture picks her up takes her to her house that is about 3 hours or more away. Talking her into moving there; leaving everyone and everything that has helped her get her life in order for the passed two years.

Her mother lets girl get away with everything. A tattoo, new piercings and what not. She decides to leave boy for a new boyfriend. (Let’s call him boy 2.) Mother lets girl let boy 2 stay the night, shower together, sleep together. Even when she knew boy 1 loves her more then anything. Boy 1’s family has signed bank notes and what not for her to go to college. Let her live in there house for a year. She had barely left boy 1 before she had cheated on him with boy 2. Girl and boy was waiting to do anything together until marriage. What the hell?

I truly don’t think girl loved boy. She has a fight with new boyfriend and runs to boy 1 for help. WTF?!? Boy 1 loves her so much that he listens. Helps her. His heart is breaking. . .She doesn’t seem to care. She says things just to hurt him. She even brings new boyfriend to boy 1’s house to get her stuff. If I had been boy 1 I would have kicked boy 2’s ass so hard he would have been coughing boot weeks from now.

God dang! That’s all I have. I don’t understand. But watching this really bad break up has made me truly look at my own relationship and think god I love him. That I know that he wouldn’t do that to me and I wouldn’t do that to him. I have more respect for him then that. That she didn’t love him or she wouldn’t have done that that way.

If she had wanted to break up. She could have done it in a way for him to understand. But no one around her understands. I know she hasn’t called me. I don’t hate her. I don’t. But I will never trust her again. I wish the best for her but I will never forgive her for hurting boy 1 that way. He is such a great person.

Friday Five: Sing of Happy

  • What’s your favorite song about growing up? “My Hometown” –Bowling For Soup
  • What’s your favorite song about cars or driving? “Fast Car” –Tracy Chapman
  • What’s your favorite song whose title is a person’s name? “Jenny” –Tommy Tutone
  • What’s your favorite get-up-and-dance song? “Around The World” –Daft Punk
  • What’s your favorite novelty song? “Down in the Boondocks” –Yardbirds
  • Thanks: Friday5.Org

TMI Tuesday #113

  • Are you and early shopper or a late shopper? Always late.
  • What is your favorite cartoon (current or passed)? Family Guy and ATHF
  • On a scale of 1-10, how competent are you on home repair projects? Zero
  • What is your favorite holiday tradition? Breakfast at my grandmothers.
  • Describe your favorite kiss? Do you give it or receive it? On my neck and my shoulder. I love getting and giving. 😉
  • Thanks: TMI Tuesday

Around for 1,000 of miles

I feel like I’m all out of great ideas. I feel tired and ill. I don’t feel all here anymore. I’ve lost touch with myself and everything and everyone around me. I say things or do things and act ways that I know I shouldn’t but can’t help to keep doing it.

I cry for silly reasons and then ask myself later why. I beg for his attention and found myself lonely. I found myself feeling lonelier more each day. I feel like I don’t even know the man that I love.

I feel like he is repulsed by me. . .by my actions. . . I cry almost every night over something. I try to play with him or make him feel wanted and all I get is turned down over and over. I beg for him to notice my hurt and anger. I’m so sick and tired.

I love him. I do. I go out of my way for him and I know he does too for me at times. I try so hard for him. When I wanted to give up. I didn’t for him. When I’m upset I get compared to his mother and grandmother. That he refuses to deal with another women like them. All depressed and such. It hurts to be told he isn’t going to deal with my hurt, my pain or my anger. Why not? Does he not love me that much?

I can’t help the fact that I’m upset or sad at times. I try to be optimist. (I really do.) Or I use to be. When everything is going wrong. I don’t know how to look up anymore. I’ve got back to that point in my life. I’ve got to that edge again. I feel trapped and worthless.

I look at him and feel joy and pain. How can that be? I feel his touch and feel like it’s forced. As if he is only dealing with me until something or someone better comes a long. Why do I feel this way?

Last night I tried to kiss on him. To love on him. All I wanted is to be kissed back. My hair to be moved out of my face and for him to touch my skin softly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with me.

All I want is sex. As far he thinks. He doesn’t get it. NO, I want him. I want the closeness of it. I want to feel him so close. It makes me feel like I’m wanted. That he needs me.

Is that what it boils down too. I want him to need me. I want him to want me. Do I need that to be happy? Do I need to know those things? He says I love you. Is that enough? Or do I need more? I guess I’m to needy. I can see that. To needy. . .at times.

He says so much to me but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel his breath on my skin anymore. I don’t feel his touch so soft. I don’t feel his soul. . .I see a man before me but not the man that I love. The person that made everything okay. Not the man I fell in love with.

I feel so lost right now. I want to go climb in his arms and feel his warmth. I want to feel him breathing in my ears but I’m scared to death that it might be as cold as ice. That I might be climbing into his arms but feel even lonelier. Can that be? Can that happen?

Be sitting next to someone and feel like no one is around for 1,000 of miles? That can’t happen. . .but I do feel that way.