Author: Jenn

Jenn http://jennifer-cowles.org Beautiful, 30 something, geek by choice, happily married for 6+ years, college graduate, perfectly imperfect, blogger, fur mom, music lover! I'm tattooed, pierced & wild at times but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Project 42; the answer to life the universe and everything.

Never the same

Things never seem to stay the same. I am still talking to Todd, still sleeping with him and all. He called his g/f up a few nights ago and dropped her. She said she is done with him. This is very good for me. . .I guess. I mean I did win, but at what cost? :sneer: It doesn’t feel like I won.

Rainbow & Todd I don’t know what to really do. I think I am falling for this man. He is so easy to fall for. I hate to say that, I hate to think it, I hate to type it. I enjoy everything about him and don’t get me wrong, the sex is so good. :devil: I’m not totally sure what the hell is going on.

I want to know. I truly do but I kind of talked about it the other night with him but yet again I was drinking a little and kind of don’t remember what was said. I pretty sure I told him how I felt about everything and that I was hurt about it. I wanted to be with him and be the only one but that didn’t mean marriage or anything, you know. I mean, hell, I’m still in a middle of a divorce. ( Which will be final June 18 :yay: ) But anyway.

I think we are kind of a thing now for sure. He has been over here every night this week. I have been loving it. I just wish I understood better. He is ex-girlfriend has been emailing me and talking to me on myspace IM and I’m being very nice and I just keep telling her Todd and I are only friends. This is very hard for me. I DON’T lie to no one. I don’t care who you are. I just don’t lie. I hate it. I don’t ask much out of people but that is one of them. I can’t stand it when someone lies to me. Just don’t lie and we will be good. 🙂 Ok. lol

I wish I could post all these on my site without the password but since my divorce still isn’t final I really can’t talk about me being with someone else. Keith’s family would DIE. That’s all their is to it. Just DIE! lol My family knows and what not. They don’t mind to much.

I’m off for now. I believe I might make a public entry as well. And thank you for all the help guys. 🙂 It does mean a lot.

I can’t believe this

I can not believe this. Todd; the guy I was talking about in my last entry. Well, for the past month, I thought we had something going on. He has a girlfriend, an off and on one. OKAY! He says “You knew that.” I come back with “No, not really. I thought you two was done.” He then says “No, you knew. Lets leave it at that.” And then asked “If I was going to tell his g/f about me and him sleeping together.”

He is nuts. I am nuts for still letting him be around me but I can’t help myself. I care about him so much. I just don’t how I am suppose to deal with it. I just want to write him a email because every-time I try to say something about my feelings to him, it just ends up coming out all wrong. It never sounds right. I replay it in my head and it sounds great but when it comes out it sounds like “huh?”. lol

I just don’t get it. This didn’t seem to start until this week. At the first of the week I went to my parents house. Todd calls and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I tell him where I’m at and he says “Cool, I will most likely go home and study.” So, I think he is at home studying. NOPE, he is at his g/f house and spent the night. A day goes by and then I call him and says well, I just need to stop by g/f house and get my stuff I left over there and then I will be at your house. He never shows. OMG! I was so hurt. I sent him a text message and wrote “Am I not good enough?” I’m not sure if he even got it. But I know he was over there all night again.

He then spent the next two nights over here with me and last night at his g/f house because he says she is getting worried. Then asks me If I’m going to tell her about me and him. No. It isn’t my job to tell her what is going on. It’s his.

He says he doesn’t know who to choose. She doesn’t bring anything to a relationship, she doesn’t really treat him that good and he says she can’t really help him with his problems. She is crazy. I don’t mean it like, fun crazy. I mean, like she gets a check crazy. She has a lot of issues. I think he likes the fact he is needed.

He says he really cares about me and he does want more from me but he doesn’t know what to do about her. I’m really trying to just wait and see. I want him to pick me. I want to be with him but I told him up front “I can’t keep being the other women.” I wouldn’t have been with him if I had known that fact but now that I have let him, I can’t help it right now.

I just don’t know, how to deal with it. I don’t know about anything anymore.

Wow

Wow. I am still sick. Finally getting over all of this. I have so much going on in my life right now. I might need to post a password protect entry. Most likely I will. I need to get a few things out and I don’t need so to read it. If you want the password just leave a comment.

I’m have a get together tonight. Raymond, me, Todd, Amanda, Renee, Nathan and Brian. That doesn’t sound like much but in my small apartment, it might be to much. LOL Because most of them will be spending the night. Fun, Fun!

Feeling Like it

I feel like crap. Totally CRAP!! It feels like I can’t breathe and I can’t eat. I have been sleeping most of the day and I still feel like boo-boo. :yuck:

I really wish I felt better. I want to work on a few things on here but I don’t think I even have the energy for that. It took most of it when I made the bed and vacuumed the floors and on top of that I didn’t even vacuum that much just the living room area. I swear I have been sick for over a week now and I have gotten everyone around me sick. Todd, Raymond and this all started from Caroline and Meadow. I love those kids but I swear I get so sick from then if I ever go to my mom and dad’s house to visit.

I guess I need to get off here. I’m going to get a bath before Todd comes over to pick me up. I need to do something to make myself feel better. :worried: