Chris

Hell

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?” –Unknown

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. I hate it. I hate myself mostly. I hate the fact I screwed up but most of all. For some reason, I don’t hate what I did. I hate the fact that Kitten and I ended the way we did. I hate the fact I made Kitten lose her best friend, over something like this. Something, that could have been so much worse.

But in the end I know it was worth everything. In the end it was worth every tear, every hug, every kiss, every laugh shared. I know that it hurts her to think she (Kitten) was suppose to trust us. That we was the few things she still had. It hurts to think that I hurt the few people I cared about.

Most of all it hurts me that I did such things without really thinking. Yes, I did think but yet I didn’t. I never thought that Kitten would break up with me. I fought a losing battle last night with her. Because as much as I wanted for her not to leave. Now, I want her so far away from me. I want her to leave me alone. I want her to fucking leave me and find someone who loves her for her and someone that can treat her with the respect that I never gave her. The respect she should have.

It doesn’t make me a bad person I believe that I don’t feel bad for what happen between me and her best friend. I don’t hate it at all. I hate that it had to end the way it did. I guess if that makes me a bad person then I’m a bad person.

I have had such a GREAT fucking day. It has just been great. I went to bed around 3am and I went to school. Took to finals. One in Chem 1 and the other in Spanish 1. I just know I failed the Spanish one but I don’t know about Chem. Tricia said that my chem teacher told her that NO one failed it. So, that has to be good. If I passed I will be so happy.

I added a new page. It is Life summed up. Kitten wrote it today about me. It really is my life summed up. I told her she really does know me if she can sum up my life like that in 3 pages. I laughed and then started to cry again. I cried soon as I read it because I knew that she knew me that well. I knew that she knew that I felt that way. I still know that she knows.

Chris also told me today that he likes/loves me. Chris. Chris!! My best friend in the whole world tells me this a day before school is out. God, I love my friends. I don’t know what I am going to do about any of this. I really don’t.

“when the shit hits the fan, it never lands evenly.” –Robert

Off to die……no, wait……live…maybe!!

Tricia is coming home with me tomorrow. I hope she can make me laugh. Right? I need it.

Aside

Hurt yourself…

“But I know whats its like to want to die. How it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can’t. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the things on the inside.” –Girl, Interrupted

I just got done with the dishes and cleaning up. I have picked up my room and now I’m just sitting here typing this up.

Nikki is going to get a car real soon. That means RIDES for Rainbow. =) Which is always good!

I put that little thing from Girl, Interrupted on this entry because I feel like that so often now. For the past two weeks there hasn’t been a day that I went to school without someone making me want to cry and be alone. Kitten seems to think its her but its not. I’m just don’t feel the same. I feel like maybe I just need that one good friend that loves me no matter what. Kitten just keeps saying that I do have those kind of friends and I just don’t know it. They are around me and I just don’t see it. Well, maybe….I can think of 2 people first off, One: Nikki and Two: Chris….Sometimes I think Chris lust after me more then anything. I know he is my “best” friend and all but sometimes he makes me wonder….I love the boy but just as a brother (he’s the brother my brother never was). And then Nikki….I’m not to sure how we became so close. It was something that just happen. I’m glad of it. I can run to her NO matter what and TELL her everything without the fear she will say something to someone or tell me something that I don’t need to hear. She will just tell me the truth and nothing more. I like that about Nikki. Thats what makes her….well, her. =)

Well, I have wrote a lot. I’m sure some lost soul is reading this right now…thinking…..right! I’m off to sleep, cry or think or something like that….