ex-P.O.S
I have given up on love. I swear. I do love. I love very much but all it does is cause me more confusion and more hurt.
What do you do when the one you want to save you doesn’t want you anymore? What do you do when your jealous of the actions of a man you don’t want to be with? What do you do when your hurt by a friendly hug but you want that hug?
I don’t know if it hurts less or hurts more to get those friendly touches. :/
I’m so lost. :save me: Just save me please.
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. . .
You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like “maybe we should just be friends” or “how very perceptive” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman
I read this and felt it to be true. I can’t put in to words how I truly feel anymore. I keep getting the same words: confusion, anger, passion, and so many more words. Mainly confusion. I feel lonely and hurt. I feel betrayed.
I want to say I have given up on everyone but I know that is a lie. I know it isn’t true. I normally keep on loving no matter what. Hurt or not. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.
I have watched people I love hurt themselves and others around them. I don’t get it. One word, one emotion can do so much. LOVE. Really. That word has so much power. So much feeling behind it. The only other word I know that has so much power is hate. So, close it is scary.
I have always felt you can’t hate anyone unless you have truly loved them. Even this being the case, I have never hated anyone. It isn’t in me to hate. I love so much. I have so much passion and feeling for so many people. Sometimes I get blown away by the amount of emotion I have for someone.
I have been where I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep living and sleeping next to that person anymore. I have also made mistakes. I have thought I was making the right choice and never not even once thought back. Then at times I have thought I made the right choice then soon after went “Oh, damn it. I messed up.”. I felt have done that. I want to build friendships again. I want to laugh and play and feel loved again. I am going to build my friendships back. Everything is going to fall in place the way it is suppose to. It will. I hope. 🙂
So much as happen over the past few months, weeks and days. Nothing that is earth shattering but in the end, isn’t it always earth shattering. Something make my world come to a stop.
First, I guess I am done dealing with Heather. She is who she is and if I had it my way, I would never hear her name or hear about her ever again. Next.
Second, well, let’s see. As me and Greg was seeing each other. We spent some wonderful times together and I hope we can remain great friends and learn from it all. I can’t handle memories or let go of my past. Something is holding me tight and won’t let me go. I know a lot of it has to do with my ideas of what makes me happy. Whether it makes me truly happy or not.
Have you ever been happy in situations your in and be happy that it didn’t change? Let me give you an example. Everyone that knew me and Cody, knew we had a lot of fights. We stopped dating, stopped fighting and everything. Then I really start missing him. Hanging on. Is the fighting, yelling and drama what I missed or my love for him. What is it that I missed so much? Really, when it comes down to it. What makes me miss him dearly? He does have some great features about him. I love his boyish ways, the way he is growing up to become a man. I love the life he wants. His dreams, his goals. I really hate the fact, I couldn’t trust him in the end. That I felt it was built on lies and want to be hope.
Greg and me never had disagreements. And if we did, we talked it out and handled it. Went on with our lives. Never once letting it be the end or making it out to be a big deal. No matter how big or small. That should be how it is. That should be what I want.
I know we (Cody and I) both betrayed each other. We both thought one thing and show each other another. We both said and did things we shouldn’t have. I can’t take back my past. I will not. I can’t take back the hurt that I caused him or anyone else. I can hope that I can make up for it and make it better some how.
I can look in to Cody’s eyes and know that I love him. That I think and feel things for him that I have never felt before. He can make me angry, happy, upset, passionate all in one instant. No one has ever been able to do that to me. I have passion in my soul for him. He makes me weak and melt.
Greg, over all, nothing could be wrong with him. Girls, for real. Perfect in a relationship. This is what upsets me about the whole thing. For once in my life, it truly is me and not the other person. That stupid one liner, “It’s not your, it’s me.” OMG! Really, I know.
Cody told me. I want you happy. No matter if it is with me or not. Greg has said the same thing. I truly don’t want to fight over them or have one hate me or each other because of me. In a life with out me in it and Greg and Cody had met I really think they could have been friends. But that is a different story. :/
I want Greg and Cody happy. Cody said he had finally started to date someone when I stepped back in to his life. He has finally started to let go. I had too. I finally had started to let go. Well, what I thought was letting go.
What I thought was want I wanted in life. Isn’t and everything that I wanted before isn’t there. I really don’t have any set goals or anything. I thought I wanted the house, the kids, the 9-5. I know, I love the idea of marriage. I do believe I still want these things, but not right now.
I want fun and I want life to happen. I don’t want to wake up 40 and realize I haven’t done anything with my life. I have always been told I was 20 going on 40. Lighten up; to take things less seriously. I want to. I am always worried or freaking out about something. I want to chill out.
I can’t let go of it all. Cody asked me to be just “fuck” buddies or if I would want that. Or did I want to be with him or what I wanted. He says that he truly doesn’t know. He likes being with me. He likes being around me at times. At times? Really? I think I could handle being friends with him. Handle even being “buddies” but I know it would hurt at times. I really want 100% of someone. No worries, no regrets, not resentment because of a past we had together. I want a clear path. I want to run and find what I am looking for. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven’t. I don’t know any more. That is what scares me. I wrote in my twitter one time. “Today is a new day but tomorrow is what scares me.” Hell yeah, everything scares me.
This is a little game I made up. Kind of like the Secret Game. You take lyrics and everyone tries to guess which lyrics are for them. Here goes:
1.)
and this is how it feels. . .
as we go on, we remember
all the times we, had together
and as our lives change
come whatever
we will still be friends forever
Graduation Friends Forever –Vitamin C
2.)
We’re just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish You Were Here –Pink Floyd
3.)
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
Don’t Speak –No Doubt
4.)
Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
Butterfly Kisses –Bob Carlisle
5.)
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
I Kissed A Girl –Katy Perry
6.)
Would you look at her
She looks at me
Shes got me thinking about her constantly
But she don’t know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if shes figured out
I’m crazy for this girl
Crazy for This Girl to –Evan And Jaron
Go a head and guess. I bet you won’t know. lol You might. 🙂 Hope you like this game.
I randomly think about the good and bad times. The moments that make us, well, us. The moments that in an instant will either break us or make us the person we are today. The moment that changed everything about our lives. The one choice that lead us to the path we are today. I think about what moment, what choice, what help make us make this choice, this decision. I wonder how or why we got the conclusion we did.
I randomly think about the choices that have got me to this point in my life. Not just everyone else, but me. It is hard for me to believe I was married for 3 years. It is even harder for me to believe I was with Cody for almost a year. Not hard because it was bad but over all. It is hard for me to believe just over 4 years of my life is gone. . .and I am scared if I blink, another 4 years will be gone. . .If I fall a sleep, I will a wake an old women. Scared of what will lay a head of me.
My father told me as a child I was wishing my life way. You wish to be 16, then 18, then 21 before you know it, you blink your 40. I am starting to believe that. My weeks seem to be getting shorter and my months seem to fly by. I tell myself this is all because I’m so busy. I really, don’t think that it is. I think it is because of my age. I have already wished all my years way. Now time is speeding up. I remember as a kid, the summers would last forever. Our two week breaks would never end. Weekends lasted longer then just a few moments. I still get the two day weekends. They are over before I know it.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not wishing to move time, I’m not wanting to change my past and I truly will never regret my past. Cody once told me, If your life was a movie, would you want to watch it?
Then it hit me, how true is that. Why live life any other way? I imagine when my life is over, when it is all said and done with sitting there watching my life. This beautiful movie, this work of art. I can imagine myself laughing, turning red A LOT, crying, wanting to change the channel but never ever taking back anything, not one moment. Never changing a thing.
I truly believe I am happy with these choices. I truly believe that I am a wonderful person. With all my flaws, imperfectness, with all of my downsides. I am truly a beautiful person and I feel like it has taken me years to finally see that. I am what ever you say I am, but I know what I am.