Cody

ex-P.O.S

Aside

2010 summed up

This year has been full of all kinds of emotion; happy, sad, overwhelming, depressed and a lot more. Full of ups and downs. At the start of the year I was suppose to get married to a military man someone I had dated for almost three years, turned out he cheated on me and left me two weeks before the wedding. Which has turned out to be one of the best things that could happen to me. At the end of May this all happen but great things followed.

In May my bff Cammie got to spend a fun filled three day weekend. I dated here and there over the summer but nothing came of it. I had a fun vacation with the family, started college in August then in October I went and spent a week with muh Cammie and then when I got back I started dating Kyle.

I finished my first semester of college with a 3.0, Kyle and I are still together. We are moving in together and we are so happy. I couldn’t think of a better way to end the year.

Yes, 2010 started out bad but I couldn’t think of a better way to end it. I’m completely happy and in love. Life couldn’t be better right now.

Aside

Closing of one chapter

I have been wanting to write a real blog entry for sometime. A entry about how I am really doing. I finally found someone that wants to be with me, share his life with me. He wants me around his friends and him. He doesn’t care how people feel about us. He loves me no matter what. I am so not use to this. It almost scares me it’s going so well.

I keep having these odd dreams about Cody. They are always the same me wanting to know why I wasn’t good enough or/and why he cheated on me. And it’s not that I want to be with him because I am happy and he seems happy. I think I just need closure to that chapter in my life.

Kyle is a new chapter in my life and I am very happy about that. Next week we will be together two months. This is awesome. So amazing! 🙂 I’m so in love!

Aside

A normal life

I’m not sure how to sum up what I have been doing the last couple of weeks since I last updated besides I have been trying to get back to a normal life. I have been trying to get myself back in to working 3 to 4 days a week. Time with family and get a few extra things around my home done.

I have some great plans for my trailer. I have paint sitting at my grandma’s I am getting to paint my bathroom and kitchen. I also have bought new kitchen floor tiles to lay down. Which I did my bathroom tiles, so nothing new there. That is just the inside. I have some outside projects too but I’m not sure how to get to those just yet.

Then Mom and I are planing a Holiday World trip at the end of July. I hope that will be fun. I don’t hope, I know it will be fun. Mom, dad, me and the girls. I am sure we will have a blast. We are planing a two day trip. Staying in a hotel one night. A nice mini-vacation.

Aside

Some long nights

I promised blog entries. So, here is one.

I have been so confused and lost at points in the last few weeks. I have been happy and overwhelmed. I have been sad and depressed. Thought I couldn’t go any lower. Then I have been able to look, reflect and try to study why I am where I am.

I don’t have answers still to why Cody did what he did to me. Why they was more important and I was tossed to the side. Maybe with time I can get answers. But now he says he wants to work on friendship. It has been easier with time to be able to at least speak with him on the phone.

I don’t know if I am ready for a face to face meet up yet with him but with time I am sure I will be. With time, it heals all. Each day gets easier. . .let me rephrase that. Most days now are easier. I still have some long nights and short days it feels like. The nights seem to be when I miss him the most. Nights are so lonely.

I still hurt and I still don’t understand. I feel like I wasn’t go enough. But I read a quote and it seems to make it a little easier.

You can love someone and still be wrong for them.

I feel like that is the case right now because Cody is a really nice guy when he isn’t with me. And I like to think I am pretty awesome. 🙂 But when we are together, we seem to bring out the evil. Like we are a bad set of wonder twins.

I don’t question if he loves me, because love has nothing to do with us. We love each other more then I think two people should be able to love. We are are wrong for each other. . .I know it doesn’t seem to be possible but I think it is. Love is such a funny thing. It can happen and without you even realize take over and just fuck everything up. It makes you question yourself, it makes you do weird things. It just. . .is. . .AHHHHH! I don’t know. It’s crazy.

I want to think that this is all a bad dream and he is still at Basic training and I’m waiting to pick him up. That he still loves me and wants to be with me. That none of this happen but it sets in and I realize that isn’t the case at all. I’m here, alone. Just me and the cats. *sad face* 🙁

Aside

My relationship

One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care for her and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the guy that already knows.

Relationships are so hard to sum up. So many words to use to say what happen in the past and what you wanted for the future. My relationship with Cody wasn’t all bad. We had fun times but we did have a lot of bad times. I found out in the past two years he cheated on me twice. Once before we moved in together again in August 2009 and the second time was within 48 hours of him being home from Basic training/AIT. And this is just what he has told me, that doesn’t include if he has done it any other times and I just don’t know about it.

I wish I could say I forgive him for these actions because I don’t yet. I know he is still hanging out and talking with the girl he cheated on me with. He doesn’t seem to mind and nor does she. He told me after I found out he would be willing to stop talking to her. He would work it out. He doesn’t want that. Because if he did, he would have stopped. In the end, I guess she was worth it. I guess what we had didn’t matter in the end because it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

She can have him. I won’t be made a fool again. Let her found out about his mood swings and angry issues. Let her pay his way.

He came and got the last of his stuff today. He kept saying over the past few days he wanted to at least be friends. If I needed him, to call. Whatever, he wasn’t here for me when I did need him while we were dating, why would I call when I need him now?

He says he wants to be friends. “We can still be friends” is like “your dog is dead, but you can still keep it” Is how that makes me feel. You know? Why would I want to watch him be happy with this other girl? I do want him happy, this I am not saying. I just don’t want to watch it. It hurts still. Maybe later on but right now. I hurts so bad. Each day is better than the last.

And I know with time it will all heal. I will move on with my life. I have too. I can’t sit around hoping something will happen because if it hasn’t worked in all the times we tried and he is still trying to be with other people, he can have them. I am tired of being hurt all the time. I deserve better! And I really wished he could have been the man to make all my dreams come true. At one time I believed that. I think we have a connection that I have never had with anyone and that is what is making all this so hard.

I have been able to get up, walk away from anyone in my life. Never had a problem, him. He is a problem. I don’t know why. He is one of the few people that can either brighten my world with a look or make my life living hell with a touch. It’s crazy. And at one time I could have done the same to him.

So, I guess Cody and I are really over. Funny how within 24 hours of him being home, my world fell a part. That’s okay, I will pick up the pieces, like I always do. I was making it before him and I will make it after him. He is just one man. He isn’t a god. He is who he is. I can’t change that and we tried to make it work. At least we can say that.