life

Let the words come out

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. I wish I could put them in to words. I don’t know if I can. Saturday would have been the due date of our child. I can’t believe it has already been 9 months. It is still hard today as it was 6 months ago when I had the miscarriage. 😥 I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel. All I know is that it is killing me on the inside and it is starting to show on the outside. I told Keith last night that I felt numb. It make me cry so hard when I told him that. It’s not that I feel numb all the time but it has been more and more lately. I wish I knew how to stop it. Keith said he could feel me drawing away from him. I’m not meaning too but I know I have been. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We are happy most of the time but since the miscarriage we fight more and we don’t talk as much and so on. We still have our talks before bed and we still make love. So, I know we aren’t to far gone.

I don’t really believe that we are that far gone anyway. I just think we need to talk it out more and get it all of it out. We have held it in to long. I think that we just held it in for so long that this is what happens. I know it sounds crazy but I sincerely believe that’s what happen. That we keep trying to find ways to fill that void and nothing seems to be working. I just want the pain to stop and I know Keith feels the same way. Some days I feel like I use to and I hate that. I hate the fact I still have those feelings from time to time. Knowing that I have such a wonderful husband that loves me, that makes me so happy, that I make him so happy. It hurts. I fought so hard to get better and I will be damned if I get like that again.

I just want everything to be like it was before the miscarriage. The happy couple that never had a cross word, the couple that held each other close every night and. . . and just. . . I don’t know. I want us to be us again. I don’t know if that makes any since.

I hope this finds it way to Keith. I try talk to him but the words never come out right. I always seem to get lost in thought. I go to talk and my mouth never seems to move right. I never thought it would be hard to talk to Keith but it seems it has gotten to that point. Am I a horrible person . . . wife for feeling like that?

Almost time . . .

We will be leaving soon and I still haven’t fixed my hair. I wanted to update real fast before I forgot. I had a job interview Tuesday night at 6pm. It looks promising. It was for the Five Star Mart. I would be working 3rd shift. Which is what I wanted. And on top of that I would be making $7.00 an hour on 3rd. How great would that me? I’m starting to get my weight back again. Which is a plus. I have been trying to eat everything I can fit in my mouth. I think it has been working.

The wedding is suppose to be outside but I don’t think it will be. :cloudy: The weather is very cloudy and cool. It’s right down cool. I guess it’s all the rain we have been getting. I hate cold weather. I hate it!

I need to walk the dogs and go fix my hair in the next little bit so I will be ready went Keith comes out of his office. Men, what is it about them waiting. 😆 Oh yeah, before I forget the dinner when well.

Surprise for my baby

I’m going to surprise Keith with a wake up lunch. He is still a sleep and I’m cooking for him. I’m fixing Potato and Cheddar Pierogies, lemon chicken and Cookies and Cream dessert. I’m making myself drool :yummy: just thinking about it. Right now the only thing left is the chicken and it is cooking right now. It only has a few more minutes. 😀 Yum.

I haven’t been doing much this week. I called about all the jobs applications and nothing yet. Every place seems to find someone with more work history than me. I don’t understand at all. I’m so stressed about finding a job that it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I have lost almost 3 lbs. Now if anyone knows me in real life or has seen a picture of me I don’t have 3 lbs to lose. Before the weight lose I was around 96 lbs. I feel sick as this weight. 😡 I want my old weight back. I’m eating. But not being able to sleep for days and then crashing all at once has really did a number on my body.

Saturday Keith and I have to go to a wedding. :balloons: It’s one of my brother’s old friends and he works with my dad. I’m really happy for Jim. I haven’t met his girl friend yet but I will Saturday. I have talked to her on the phone and she seems so nice. I have only seen a picture of her. I know if Jim loves her then she is okay in my book. 😛 I’m looking forward to the wedding. I haven’t ever been to one besides my own. How crazy is that? 😆

We had a great day

We had such a good day Sunday. We got up and went to the movies. :movie: We saw Corpse Bride which was a very good movie. The bad thing about going out to the movies is that we saw Chris. He works there. :yuck: I wasn’t to happy about that but I didn’t care because I was with my baby. :hearts:

Keith and Me. One year to the day of our wedding. The movie was so good. It was a really sweet. I thought it might be a little cheesy but it was really well done. I knew it was going to be pretty good because it was done by the same people that did The Nightmare Before Christmas (another fav).

After we got out of the movie we went out to eat at Tumbleweed. :yummy: So good. We had such a good time. We ate so much that it hurt to walk. That’s how you know you got your moneys worth. 😆 We had such a good day over all.

Today I went job hunting with Jeremiah. I have around 12 or more applications to fill out. That is a lot of applications but I guess it is worth it if I can get a job. I need one to help Keith out with our bills. Web design just isn’t bring enough in right now. Maybe more in the next few years but not enough for me to stay at home. I also have around 6 postcards to reply too. :pencil: I have a lot of work to do. But it’s okay. It doesn’t bother me. 😀

Happy 1 year anniversary to us!

Happy 1 year anniversary to us! Happy 1 year anniversary to us! Happy 1 year anniversary to Jennifer and Keith! Happy 1 year anniversary to us! Today Keith and I have been married 1 year. :omg: :hearts: 😳 I can’t believe it. One year together. I told Keith I hope we’re this happy on our 50th anniversary. We are going to the :movie: movies and out to eat :yummy: . That’s about it.

I’m going to take pictures all day today to place them in my gallery. I want everything to be prefect today and I’m sure it will be. 😀 Last night Keith came home, picked me up and we went to Wal-Mart to get some stuff. He got me flowers. :flower: So sweet. I will take a picture later. After we got back from Wal-Mart we ate and watched a movie (Family Guy Movie) and went to bed. We was both a sleep by 4:30. Poor guy he hasn’t had much sleep this week. He worked 5 days in a row. 10 hours of over time I believe. This was suppose to be his short week. Which is normally only 36 hours.

I’m off to wake him up. I want to spent every minute with him today. Plus he promise to take me to the local coffee bar to get me a really good coffee. I think I need it. :yawn: