mad

Aside

Consequences of misfortune

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.

Okay, last night early morning I stated I was going to blog about something that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now. This being my ex Cody his mother Branda is dating a sex offender. This wouldn’t be nearly as bad if this sex offender wasn’t caught with “POSS W/INT TO PROMOTE CHILD PORNOGRAPHY”. And to even add more fuel to the fire, Branda has known this whole time of dating him. (Over 3 years now) She has let this man around her children and her grandchild which isn’t even a year old yet. It get’s worse; this man had pictures of children as young as six and seven years old on his computer. I looked over all the court records I could find, which seems to be all of them and I am horrified about this. Not only because of lack of parenting skills, but also the fact she doesn’t seem to have a problem with this fact. She is okay with this. And to make it even creeper, she also dresses in “cute” outfits for him. Right now, her FB page has her dressed as a lollipop girl. Does she not see this feeds his problem? I can’t believe as a mother she doesn’t want to protect her children. Her response is this “If I thought you guys (her children) was in any danger I would have said something.” My point of view is, why even temp it. Why even let your children get influence by a man that has this past?

In the court documents it stated he sent pictures of these children to other people, with subject titles “This is me and my niece, Sky.” Within these pictures was a man having sex with a child/pre-teen/teenager. What is okay about this? He claims that he was trying to catch someone doing this. Why on earth would you send pictures like that to other people? He didn’t have one but 17 pictures of children ranging from the age of six or seven to teenagers, maybe the age of 15 or 16. This is a very sick man. It turns my stomach to knots thinking about this. To think I ate meals with this man, been to his house, him in my house. AND I was almost family with this man.

You have to be kidding me? That’s all I could say when I found all this out. I am still almost speechless about it. I know this information because I have remain friends with Carrie, Cody’s step-mother and his father. As a father Chris is out raged, because she had the nerve to try to fight for custody for those boys to live with her and that man. How on God’s green earth can you think that is okay? I am glad Chris is taking the steps to protect his children because she isn’t; it looks like. She thinks it is completely okay and can’t figure out why everyone is upset about it. Yet again, I am repeating myself, are you kidding me? I just can’t picture that being okay in any situation.

People never seem to surprise me. And the kids are mad at Chris and Carrie. I’m not even sure why. They said that it isn’t just causing trouble for Branda’s boyfriend but also her. Well, sometimes, you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Her consequences for letting someone like that around her children and thinking it is okay might be losing her children forever. And I don’t see how that would be a problem at this point. I don’t see how that would be a bad thing.

Okay, I have a ton more to say but I might start repeating myself. Not sure how to end this but I hope for Chris and Carrie this can be settled like adults and not cause anymore problems then what it has but I don’t see that happening due to the fact, the children (Cody, Micki, Rowdy and Cortland) are so bad about blaming others for actions that themselves has done and not handling there own consequences and seeing both sides without being biased. Everyone in that family besides Chris and Carrie will stab someone in the back and take sweet to their face and because of this, they agree with Chris today and tomorrow their mother is right. I feel very sorry for this family. They will never grow as people because of this. They will be stuck in this ugly cycle.

Aside

Two options

I feel like I should update on life. Not a whole lot of stuff going on day to day life but some stuff does happen. Right now I had to have another biopsy over cervical dysplasia. Which in normal talk “pre-cancer” or the start of cancer. Which to me I thought couldn’t get any scarier then, August 1st, I had to have another biopsy done. Those cells are showing up again, not sure how bad yet but the doctor came into the office while I wait half naked. Stating two things if this pre-cancer is back or worse then it was in February I have two options. That is it. TWO! I am thinking okay. It can’t be that bad. Well, I was wrong.

Option one is put me in the hospital this time and do another LEEP / colposcopy and / or a cone biopsy. They want to take more of my cervices. Or Option two a hysterectomy. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that at 25 I would have to face this choice. That my future husband may not be able to have children and that his options for children can be answered for him because of this. I am so hurt by it. I won’t have a real answer to what I have to do until I get my results. Longest wait ever! They said 3 – 5 days. I should know something by Friday.

Kyle said he loves me and won’t leave if we can’t have children. They we have other options besides having children ourselves. But I wanted us to have a family so bad. I wanted us to have the whole life together. I just feel so sad and scared and hurt and so many other things that I just can’t put into words right now. I know he loves me, but how can he still want to be with someone that can’t have children. He said he kind of wanted a family but he loves me and wants what is best for me.

I love him so much and I am truly lucky to have someone like him. He cares so much and is willing to even sacrifice this for me. This is someone that loves me without borders, without limitations. Thank you Kyle for being so amazing and prefect for me!

Aside

My relationship

One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care for her and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the guy that already knows.

Relationships are so hard to sum up. So many words to use to say what happen in the past and what you wanted for the future. My relationship with Cody wasn’t all bad. We had fun times but we did have a lot of bad times. I found out in the past two years he cheated on me twice. Once before we moved in together again in August 2009 and the second time was within 48 hours of him being home from Basic training/AIT. And this is just what he has told me, that doesn’t include if he has done it any other times and I just don’t know about it.

I wish I could say I forgive him for these actions because I don’t yet. I know he is still hanging out and talking with the girl he cheated on me with. He doesn’t seem to mind and nor does she. He told me after I found out he would be willing to stop talking to her. He would work it out. He doesn’t want that. Because if he did, he would have stopped. In the end, I guess she was worth it. I guess what we had didn’t matter in the end because it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

She can have him. I won’t be made a fool again. Let her found out about his mood swings and angry issues. Let her pay his way.

He came and got the last of his stuff today. He kept saying over the past few days he wanted to at least be friends. If I needed him, to call. Whatever, he wasn’t here for me when I did need him while we were dating, why would I call when I need him now?

He says he wants to be friends. “We can still be friends” is like “your dog is dead, but you can still keep it” Is how that makes me feel. You know? Why would I want to watch him be happy with this other girl? I do want him happy, this I am not saying. I just don’t want to watch it. It hurts still. Maybe later on but right now. I hurts so bad. Each day is better than the last.

And I know with time it will all heal. I will move on with my life. I have too. I can’t sit around hoping something will happen because if it hasn’t worked in all the times we tried and he is still trying to be with other people, he can have them. I am tired of being hurt all the time. I deserve better! And I really wished he could have been the man to make all my dreams come true. At one time I believed that. I think we have a connection that I have never had with anyone and that is what is making all this so hard.

I have been able to get up, walk away from anyone in my life. Never had a problem, him. He is a problem. I don’t know why. He is one of the few people that can either brighten my world with a look or make my life living hell with a touch. It’s crazy. And at one time I could have done the same to him.

So, I guess Cody and I are really over. Funny how within 24 hours of him being home, my world fell a part. That’s okay, I will pick up the pieces, like I always do. I was making it before him and I will make it after him. He is just one man. He isn’t a god. He is who he is. I can’t change that and we tried to make it work. At least we can say that.

Aside

What started out

to be a good day, ended not so good. Thursdays are not my day. I went to work, everything went well. It was pay day. Which is always a good thing. I went and got pizza for me and my dad. He help me bring the two trash cans around to the front of the trailer and place them up at the top of the drive way for pick up. I had cleaned all night Wednesday. Trying to get my BIG to do list done.

I had started the office. Which is on my to do list as well. Dad had taken around all my storage totes and placed them in my building out back. I really thought it was going good. I clean up part of my yard yesterday before I went to get this awesome computer desk that was given to me.

Mom and I picked it up. Stop by got my dad so he could help move it in to the trailer. Didn’t work out. We ended up breaking it before we could even get it half way in to the office. We tried everything. I haven’t felt this defeated in a long time. This was the next step in making my office in to a guess room / office. I wanted the corner desk so I could place a small bed in there as well. The bed would really help since my nieces and Cody’s little brothers spend the night often.

I just cried. Which is really stupid once I sat down and thought about it but I was so upset. I just wanted this to work so bad. I could finally have a nice desk to use. My desk I have now is so beat up. No, I hadn’t had it very long but I moved three times since I had it. And it now is very wobbly and I want a good desk. Something to hold up to my normal everyday life, plus kids, plus two cats. I don’t think I am asking for to much. Probably am. *sad face* 🙁

Anyway, I hope to still be getting myself a new desk in the next week or so. I really want to clean my office. Get my shit together because coming this fall I will be starting college. Just have one more thing I need to do before I can register for classes. I can’t wait. So, in return I really need a nice area to study and do home work. 🙂 I am so happy about that, at least.

Maybe this Saturday or Sunday I can go and get one. Dad said he would put it together in the office, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it being moved or placed anywhere else because Cody and I plan on staying in this trailer for a few more years anyway. Since it is paid for.

Aside

School Sucks

“…were all about the weed smoke and the kinky sex!” –koRn, children of the korn

I hate school. I swear!! It sucks so bad. School is out in less then 11 days and I can’t wait. I want it to be over so bad.

I have this one teacher. He teaches my U.S. History class and all he does is look at the girls with the big boobs (preps). I hate that. Because the “preppy” girls show him some boobs, they get to do whatever the fuck they want. What is up with that? I think that it is so WRONG!! But hey, what’s it matter to me. It’s not like I can do anything about it.

Anyway…..I have decided that everyone who makes a comment on my blog, I will plug them on the next entry. : ) Sounds good?

Right now, I’m thinking about adding a new poem. I just got to get it typed up. I need to work on a new layout but not to change this one but for in a few weeks. You know?