puzzle piece

Life isn’t so bad. . .all the time

I truly have been trying to look on the bright side. I know it’s hard sometimes but over all I’m a pretty happy person. Well, I try to be. Last month was a bad month. I was talking to this guy who was a total dick to me. He was one of those guys that when he was around his friends, I was just a friend but when everyone left and it was me and him. I was finally good enough. He wanted me to wear make-up all the time and stuff like that. I know that I am not the most beautiful women in the world but you know what, damn it, I think I look pretty without make-up and with it I look fine too.

I don’t want a man that thinks the only way I look good is with make-up. I have never been the girl that dresses up, that wears make-up, fixes her hair and nails. I think I look pretty the way I am. I don’t believe a women has to do all those things to look nice.

I don’t want a man that thinks we have to be together every minute of every day. I want time a lone. . .sometimes. I like cuddle time and I like fun time. I’m the type of girl that likes to stay home and cook, watch movies and I love to spoil the person I’m with. I don’t know why. . .I just do. But now and then I like to know I’m wanted, that I’m weak and not always the strong person I try to be.

I have such a hard time taking help. I would love to take a hand but I hate to feel like I can’t do it. I want to be held tight, I want to hold hands while we watch TV, and be close. I’m very girl-ly. . .I guess.

I’m talking to this really wonderful guy. He makes me laugh, he does those wonderful things, like hold my hand and just stay at home with me and watch TV. I truly enjoy being with him. I don’t want to rush anything. I don’t want him to feel like I’m rushing him. I think he thinks I am but I want him to move at the speed he feels good at. That feels good for us.

We talked one night. He made the comment he only dates girls he sees himself maybe falling in love with. He says he doesn’t know if he could fall in love with me (because we had a past); that I’m to nice. I make him smile, we can joke together, we get a long great. I’m pretty sure his family likes me and so on. I know I fall way to fast and I get hurt so much because I do give my key to my heart up so easy. But I can’t help it. I have a very big heart. :heart: It feels so good to have those feelings again. It’s been so long since I felt that way. Since I had someone make me feel that way. He is so sweet.

It’s so hard to talk about it. I’m not sure he really wants me talking about it or him on here but I just had to get my feelings out. I’m scared to really say to much because I know that we care about each other but we really don’t talk about are status with each other. It keeps me guessing. I kind of hate that but it’s more like a love-hate thing. lol

Never my happy ending

Yet again, nothing works out the way it is suppose too. Every time I care about someone that want to hurt me. I really truly should let this person read all the past entries. It might make them see but that is another story all together. I don’t think will ever know and I am so tired of trying.

I keep trying to update a little at a time. I am working on my father-in-laws site trying to change it over to a new server and what not. Fun, fun. Shouldn’t be that much trouble.

I finally got my hair cut and dyed. It looks pretty good. You can go to my myspace and check out the pictures. 🙂 They rock!! lol

Not much else to report. Just have to be at work a 10am and I don’t see myself going to bed anytime soon. Can’t sleep. :yuck: I really hate that.

Never the same

Things never seem to stay the same. I am still talking to Todd, still sleeping with him and all. He called his g/f up a few nights ago and dropped her. She said she is done with him. This is very good for me. . .I guess. I mean I did win, but at what cost? :sneer: It doesn’t feel like I won.

Rainbow & Todd I don’t know what to really do. I think I am falling for this man. He is so easy to fall for. I hate to say that, I hate to think it, I hate to type it. I enjoy everything about him and don’t get me wrong, the sex is so good. :devil: I’m not totally sure what the hell is going on.

I want to know. I truly do but I kind of talked about it the other night with him but yet again I was drinking a little and kind of don’t remember what was said. I pretty sure I told him how I felt about everything and that I was hurt about it. I wanted to be with him and be the only one but that didn’t mean marriage or anything, you know. I mean, hell, I’m still in a middle of a divorce. ( Which will be final June 18 :yay: ) But anyway.

I think we are kind of a thing now for sure. He has been over here every night this week. I have been loving it. I just wish I understood better. He is ex-girlfriend has been emailing me and talking to me on myspace IM and I’m being very nice and I just keep telling her Todd and I are only friends. This is very hard for me. I DON’T lie to no one. I don’t care who you are. I just don’t lie. I hate it. I don’t ask much out of people but that is one of them. I can’t stand it when someone lies to me. Just don’t lie and we will be good. 🙂 Ok. lol

I wish I could post all these on my site without the password but since my divorce still isn’t final I really can’t talk about me being with someone else. Keith’s family would DIE. That’s all their is to it. Just DIE! lol My family knows and what not. They don’t mind to much.

I’m off for now. I believe I might make a public entry as well. And thank you for all the help guys. 🙂 It does mean a lot.

I can’t believe this

I can not believe this. Todd; the guy I was talking about in my last entry. Well, for the past month, I thought we had something going on. He has a girlfriend, an off and on one. OKAY! He says “You knew that.” I come back with “No, not really. I thought you two was done.” He then says “No, you knew. Lets leave it at that.” And then asked “If I was going to tell his g/f about me and him sleeping together.”

He is nuts. I am nuts for still letting him be around me but I can’t help myself. I care about him so much. I just don’t how I am suppose to deal with it. I just want to write him a email because every-time I try to say something about my feelings to him, it just ends up coming out all wrong. It never sounds right. I replay it in my head and it sounds great but when it comes out it sounds like “huh?”. lol

I just don’t get it. This didn’t seem to start until this week. At the first of the week I went to my parents house. Todd calls and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I tell him where I’m at and he says “Cool, I will most likely go home and study.” So, I think he is at home studying. NOPE, he is at his g/f house and spent the night. A day goes by and then I call him and says well, I just need to stop by g/f house and get my stuff I left over there and then I will be at your house. He never shows. OMG! I was so hurt. I sent him a text message and wrote “Am I not good enough?” I’m not sure if he even got it. But I know he was over there all night again.

He then spent the next two nights over here with me and last night at his g/f house because he says she is getting worried. Then asks me If I’m going to tell her about me and him. No. It isn’t my job to tell her what is going on. It’s his.

He says he doesn’t know who to choose. She doesn’t bring anything to a relationship, she doesn’t really treat him that good and he says she can’t really help him with his problems. She is crazy. I don’t mean it like, fun crazy. I mean, like she gets a check crazy. She has a lot of issues. I think he likes the fact he is needed.

He says he really cares about me and he does want more from me but he doesn’t know what to do about her. I’m really trying to just wait and see. I want him to pick me. I want to be with him but I told him up front “I can’t keep being the other women.” I wouldn’t have been with him if I had known that fact but now that I have let him, I can’t help it right now.

I just don’t know, how to deal with it. I don’t know about anything anymore.