puzzle piece

Let the words come out

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. I wish I could put them in to words. I don’t know if I can. Saturday would have been the due date of our child. I can’t believe it has already been 9 months. It is still hard today as it was 6 months ago when I had the miscarriage. 😥 I’m not sure how I’m suppose to feel. All I know is that it is killing me on the inside and it is starting to show on the outside. I told Keith last night that I felt numb. It make me cry so hard when I told him that. It’s not that I feel numb all the time but it has been more and more lately. I wish I knew how to stop it. Keith said he could feel me drawing away from him. I’m not meaning too but I know I have been. I love my husband and I know he loves me. We are happy most of the time but since the miscarriage we fight more and we don’t talk as much and so on. We still have our talks before bed and we still make love. So, I know we aren’t to far gone.

I don’t really believe that we are that far gone anyway. I just think we need to talk it out more and get it all of it out. We have held it in to long. I think that we just held it in for so long that this is what happens. I know it sounds crazy but I sincerely believe that’s what happen. That we keep trying to find ways to fill that void and nothing seems to be working. I just want the pain to stop and I know Keith feels the same way. Some days I feel like I use to and I hate that. I hate the fact I still have those feelings from time to time. Knowing that I have such a wonderful husband that loves me, that makes me so happy, that I make him so happy. It hurts. I fought so hard to get better and I will be damned if I get like that again.

I just want everything to be like it was before the miscarriage. The happy couple that never had a cross word, the couple that held each other close every night and. . . and just. . . I don’t know. I want us to be us again. I don’t know if that makes any since.

I hope this finds it way to Keith. I try talk to him but the words never come out right. I always seem to get lost in thought. I go to talk and my mouth never seems to move right. I never thought it would be hard to talk to Keith but it seems it has gotten to that point. Am I a horrible person . . . wife for feeling like that?

Thank you

Thank you everyone for your sweet and caring comments. I still feel very different inside and out. I look at how my body was changing and how it went back to normal and think “WOW! I had something living inside of me. I had a living being growing inside of me.” I feel just blessed knowing that I can get pregnant, that I had that moment of happiness growing inside. I know that sounds odd to say after what happen but I have to think on the bright side, right?

Early Friday morning around 4 am or so before Keith and I went to bed. I just cried. I cried for a long time. I had to get it out. I felt a little better after I got it out not back to normal but a little better.

I put the baby blanket away. I can’t stand even looking at it, let alone working on it. I told Keith when I get pregnant again I would finish it then but not now. It’s way to soon. I almost come to tears when ever I look at baby stuff or past by a little baby. I know I should get over this but I can’t yet. It is going to take time and I know that, Keith knows that. It’s just so hard. 😥

WOW! It is getting late. I made Caroline’s birthday cake earlier today. She wanted a purple cake with blue icing on it for her 7th birthday. So, I made it for her. She turned 7 on the 16th of this month. Mom just decided to have her party tomorrow today. Easier to have it on Sunday then a week night, you know?

Well, I think I am going to head off to bed. I am getting tired :yawn: and I have to get to mom’s house early to help set stuff up for the party.

Black Out, Realize and Love Is In The Air, Fuckers

“Sex is like air, it isn’t important until you aren’t getting any.” –Unknown

WOW!! 😀 I am so happy with all the comments made. Thank you all for them. I never get that many! I feel so loved.

Chris and I are doing so good right now…I mean as good as we can for the facts that has happen in the past. He keeps bring up the Tony thing. I know it hurts him and I don’t really thinks he realizes deep down it hurts me too. Yes, I will say this. I am human and I do make mistakes just like the next person yet for some reason I have to be some goddess. I know he doesn’t realize that he expects this of me but he does and it kind of hurts my feelings in away. I most of the time try for it not to get to me. I love Chris so much and I don’t want anything bad to happen to us.

Moving in with him was such a big step and I’m so scared I will fuck it up some how. I love to be with him. I love everything about him. And sometimes I don’t know what to think about him. I just want to step back and just go damn….any girl would be lucky to have someone like him. He is so good to me. I get told all the time that I’m lucky to have someone like that. And I do feel lucky to have him. I feel SO damn lucky. 🙂

I have had such a hard time in the past four years at high school. I went through a really bad depression for the first two years of high school. Then I dated Valarie for almost 2 years (10th and 11th grade). Which was so hard on me, for us. Because we was the only open same sex relationship. I fought cutting myself and everything else.

So, being with someone that loves me for me and only wants to be with me. Has made me feel like almost like I don’t deserve someone like him. He is sitting in the living room watching a movie right now and I can’t help but look at him and realize so much. Realize that I do love him and I do want to be with him and only him. It’s a great feeling. 😀 I guess I sound like a little kid in puppy love.

I don’t know sometimes….I have always believed that Life is like licking honey off a thorn bush. I keep expecting something bad to happen. Like it always does. Because everything seems to good right now. Everything!! And I don’t know what to expect. 😐 I guess I need to shut the fuck up now. LMAO

Today at school there was a black out for about an hour it came back on twice and then shortly after it went off again. It finally stayed on the third time it came on. I hate the dark. But any who….

I will try to update again soon. I should have the net in my our room but this weekend sometime.

Ronda and Tony are coming in this weekend and Ronda is staying in this time. Tony will be on the road my himself. I’m glad Ronda is staying in this time. I love being around her. She is my mommy away from my mommy. LMAO

later taternuts

Wow! OMG!! Are You For Real?

“I’m just playing, I know you’re a guy.” –Candice to Me on 11.13.03

I know I should feel better then I do right now but I don’t. I feel like blah, shit, in other words. 😕 I started my rag on my birthday. Which really sucks!! But any who, last night started good. It really did. My mom and dad went with Chris and I to go out eat at Red Lobster and then out to the movies and seen The Matrix: Revolutions. The food was great but half way through my dad gets pissy with my mother and so, for the rest of the night my mother was pissed off at him.

After the movie we dropped Chris off at his house and then we head on home. Well, about 5 minutes away from Chris’s house. My mother and father decide to start fighting like little children. Well, this pisses me off. It’s my fucking birthday and they have to act like little kids. WTF? I was so mad. By the time we pulled in my drive way. (30 minutes away from Chris’s House) I jump out of the car before it was parked, slame the door and run inside the house. I was so upset. I just wanted to cry.

Then they kept fighting when they got inside. I screamed at them to stop and everything else. They don’t. I finally told them. “I’m tired of the bitchin’, I’m moving out as soon as Ronda and Tony (Chris’s mom and step-dad) get in.” So, I guess I’m moving. I am going to have a friend of ours (Chris and I) to help me move some of my stuff this weekend. Ronda and Tony are coming in next week sometime. I will have to have Chris and Tony move my bed and stuff like that. I’m not sure how we are going to fit it in their car but I guess we can figure that out later.

WOW! 8 – O I have written so much. PurpleUsul.Com should be back up in the next day or two. I can’t wait. I love that site just as much as I love Faded Stars. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my domains and web designing. I think I would go insane. Because every time I get something wrong I just go to the computer and make layouts and just start coding everything. I love it!! I know that makes me sound like a BIG dork. But that’s fine. I love being me.

I will, I repeat I will keep my domains and stuff when I move. Chris does have the net and we are running a phone line upstairs in our room.

Chris has been waiting for the day I move in since we started dating. When I told my mom and dad, mom just looked at me and started the facts “I knew you have wanted to leave for a while. I could tell. I knew you were counting the days down.” And she was right. She was like “I don’t know if I really want you over there or not but their isn’t much I really can do, now can I? Your 18 now.”

And yet again she was right. She can’t stop me. I will have to get a job now and start fighting for myself. But life is hard and you go on because you have too. And that’s what I plan on doing. I understand it is going to be hard but fuck, I really don’t care anymore.

PS: From Candi-Bear: What is up?! I was sitting here typing my ideal letter to the review and the English teacher says I can’t use it. It sounds like this “Dear Reveiwer,
Most of the time, I try to be nice. But sometimes I just can’t hold it in. I don’t want to be invisible. I want to be real. I hate this school. I’m only writing this because my English teacher is a little old lady who looks like she could be standing in a cornfield on a horror movie. She just freaks me out!..” *Sighs* She wouldn’t let me use that in my letter though. I don’t know why. I was being sincere…:( Oh well. Laterdays 🙂

Dude, I Can Buy Porn Now…I’m 18!!

“You better sign this before I kick your ass!” –Kim to me about a Random Drug Testing for Teachers petition. on 11.12.03

I am so tired. I need to stop staying up late at night.

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!! It was so funny. Today, Chris sung happy birthday to me in the style of Marilyn Monroe. It was great. He was all up in my nut and crackn’ it!! LMAO

Dude, I am so bored.

I am suppose to writing a paper right now over Random Drug Testing. But I am being lazy and just stop working. I only have another week before I have to turn it in. I am almost done with all of my papers. I have to have 5. I have two short stories, a personal narrative and two transaction writings (papers written outside of English). I can’t get out of High School without it. DAMN THINGS!!! : s t r e s s : I hate writing sometimes, yet I have a whole domain just for writing. 🙂 I love to write when it doesn’t have anything to do with school. LOL I guess I am odd like that.

Chris, guess what?