26Feb   Wordless Wednesday: too close to home

Close to home


25Feb   Infertility is all too heartbreaking

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People that have never suffered with infertility on a daily bases will never understand the pain and hurt someone like my husband and I go through. People will never know the thoughts, the strain on our marriage because the thought of completing your family is so out of reach all because you don’t have a big enough bank account. You don’t have the $5,000 – $10,000 for IVF nor do you have the $10,000 – $40,000 to adopt. And it’s all not just about money either.

I’m mad at my body, I’m mad at his body all because we can’t do the one damn thing our bodies are suppose to do. Create life. You have this idea in your head when you first start trying for a baby. It won’t take long, a few months. Then weeks, months, and then years start going by and you realize that this idea you had will never be. That’s hard to deal with. It’s even harder to deal with the fact that you and your husband are the 20% that infertility effects both. How “lucky” can you be?

ivf30

I hate the person infertility has turned me into. I want to be happy for my friends and family that are starting their families. I want to be happy when I see birth announcements. I don’t want to hide my friends on FB because they are posting belly pictures and updates. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to be happy like healthily, normal people. I don’t want to have to ask my husband questions like “we will be okay if we never have kids?” or “will this life be enough for us?”. Sometimes it is all too heartbreaking.


24Dec   A sad Christmas for us

Friday (12.20.13), Kyle & I learned we will never conceive children naturally. Our only hope most likely will be IVF. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

People who have biological children don’t really understand what it’s like to realize there is a very real chance you will NEVER be able to conceive naturally. Hence, even considering adoption takes a huge leap of faith because as much as you will love any child you may adopt, they will never be the combination of you and your partner’s genes.

Every holiday with family that has babies/children is a kick in the womb. All I can think about is how Kyle & I might not ever get the chance so many bad parents take for granted. How unfair is that? I feel like my infertility is consuming me. I hate the person I’m turning into because of it. I’ve never been the one for being jealous of anyone but I am. I’m jealous that to me everyone has the only thing I can’t have: a child.

At what length is too great to try to make your family complete? How much money is too much to spend? How long is to long? When is it time to realize your womb, your family, your whole idea for what you wanted might never be? When is it time to except your dreams are broken? When?


20Sep   Infertility Specialist

I am so heartbroken I haven’t became pregnant yet. Kyle and I have been trying for almost 3 years. I have had two surgeries trying to fix whatever is wrong with me and nothing has helped. My doctor said he wanted to send me to a infertility specialist since he really doesn’t deal with infertility on a regular basis. I am sad but I’m kind of happy too. It really is a love hate kind of deal. I am happy my doctor is good enough to tell me up front he doesn’t deal with this all the time and hasn’t wasted my time in the process. He has been wonderful up until this point. He said he will continue to work with the infertility clinic to ensure the best of care.

I have an appointment October 2nd. I hope to get a better idea of what is going on. I am so damn frustrated because I have put myself through a lot of pain to not have an answer. I feel like I am so alone with the whole process too because everyone either tells me to just “relax” or “it will happen”. That is easy to say when you already have kids. Plus, I feel like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. It’s like a kick right in the non-baby maker.

Unless you have the problem, you will never understand the hurt I have when I wake every month knowing I will start my period and not be pregnant. The only thing I want to complete my family and I can’t have it. But I am sure if I was on meth or didn’t have a job or a dead beat husband / boyfriend I would have two or three kids. I know that is a very shitty thing to say but you know, that’s how it seems to be around here.


14Sep   Don’t look back

“Don’t look back. It drags at your heart til you can’t do anything but look back.” -Scarlett O’Hara