Scared

I suck at life. But I’m wicked cool.

I realized something today. I truly hate to be a lone. At home or anything dealing with me. I hate to be a lone. My dog had been at mom’s house for a couple of days. I would wake up or go to bed sad almost because I didn’t have her. I hated not having her here or anyone here with me. I am such a wuss about some much.

When I get my new place, I really won’t have anyone to hang out with. CJ works in Glasgow, goes to school in BG, so I wouldn’t have him around very much. I still talk to Keith and hang out with him sometimes, not now, he lives here in Glasgow, Nathan lives with him. Most of my friends now live here. I’m moving 45 minutes away. I’m not going to really have many people. I’m upset about that. I love to have people over. Not a lot of people but people never the less.

I just hope that I will be able to keep Cookie. If not, I will be a very unhappy person. Or I will spending so much time at my mom’s house, I might as well be living back there. OMG!

I just don’t know what to do. I’m really going to miss this place. As much as I say I hate it. I really will miss it. I’m going to miss having everything so near, having everyone near.

This move is scaring me to death. I just don’t know how everything is going to work out. If I could find another job that paid pretty good, then I could stay here but I’m jobless right now and there is no way I could stay. I’m so scared I have no clue what to do.

I have no clue about my life. I have so much going on and I can see my life falling down around me. I feel like everything is going wrong. Nothing is fitting together. And I don’t know why. I swear I seen a icon that fit me perfect. It quoted “I suck at life. But I’m wicked cool.” I really do suck at life. Why does everything fall?

Life isn’t so bad. . .all the time

I truly have been trying to look on the bright side. I know it’s hard sometimes but over all I’m a pretty happy person. Well, I try to be. Last month was a bad month. I was talking to this guy who was a total dick to me. He was one of those guys that when he was around his friends, I was just a friend but when everyone left and it was me and him. I was finally good enough. He wanted me to wear make-up all the time and stuff like that. I know that I am not the most beautiful women in the world but you know what, damn it, I think I look pretty without make-up and with it I look fine too.

I don’t want a man that thinks the only way I look good is with make-up. I have never been the girl that dresses up, that wears make-up, fixes her hair and nails. I think I look pretty the way I am. I don’t believe a women has to do all those things to look nice.

I don’t want a man that thinks we have to be together every minute of every day. I want time a lone. . .sometimes. I like cuddle time and I like fun time. I’m the type of girl that likes to stay home and cook, watch movies and I love to spoil the person I’m with. I don’t know why. . .I just do. But now and then I like to know I’m wanted, that I’m weak and not always the strong person I try to be.

I have such a hard time taking help. I would love to take a hand but I hate to feel like I can’t do it. I want to be held tight, I want to hold hands while we watch TV, and be close. I’m very girl-ly. . .I guess.

I’m talking to this really wonderful guy. He makes me laugh, he does those wonderful things, like hold my hand and just stay at home with me and watch TV. I truly enjoy being with him. I don’t want to rush anything. I don’t want him to feel like I’m rushing him. I think he thinks I am but I want him to move at the speed he feels good at. That feels good for us.

We talked one night. He made the comment he only dates girls he sees himself maybe falling in love with. He says he doesn’t know if he could fall in love with me (because we had a past); that I’m to nice. I make him smile, we can joke together, we get a long great. I’m pretty sure his family likes me and so on. I know I fall way to fast and I get hurt so much because I do give my key to my heart up so easy. But I can’t help it. I have a very big heart. :heart: It feels so good to have those feelings again. It’s been so long since I felt that way. Since I had someone make me feel that way. He is so sweet.

It’s so hard to talk about it. I’m not sure he really wants me talking about it or him on here but I just had to get my feelings out. I’m scared to really say to much because I know that we care about each other but we really don’t talk about are status with each other. It keeps me guessing. I kind of hate that but it’s more like a love-hate thing. lol

Funeral home

I want to thank everyone that left/emailed really nice comments to me. It meant a lot. I miss my grandfather so much. It still doesn’t seem real. I sat at the funeral home with a blank face most of the time. I didn’t cry very much but just sat there. Maybe I would feel better if I did just cry but I can’t. I don’t cry very much. The service was very nice. I think my grandfather would have really liked it. He was buried in a white t-shirt, blue jeans and a ballcap. He looked like papaw but in a way he didn’t. It’s hard to really put it in to words.

My brother didn’t even get out of jail for it. Most of the time they will let you out for 72 hours and then make you go back. He didn’t get to even say goodbye. I think it has been almost 3 years since Raymond had seen papaw. :frown: I hate that for my brother. The last time I seen him was father’s day. I didn’t seem that long ago. I remember kissing him on the cheek and telling him I loved him before Keith and I left. 😐

I need to talk about something happier if not I will be sad forever. We finally got our tax check in. We bought ourselves some clothes that we needed very bad. We paid on some bills and we still have money to move in the next month or so. Keith is finally full-time now and everything seems well. We are doing good besides the funeral. Our lives are starting to fall into place. That makes me smile.

Judy took me to the Heath Department again to change birth control. The pills they put me on made me sick. They said it might of been since I’m so small. So, now I am trying this thing called NuvaRing. It looks really neat. I haven’t tried it out yet because I have to wait the Sunday after my period to use it. It is 99.7% effect with perfect use. The same as the pill. This is pretty good. I think. It looks like a rubber band and you have to keep it in for 3 weeks and then take it out the last week (the week of your period). Then I go back each month and get a new one. I think I will like it. All I can do is try, right?

Well, I am off. I have a lot of house cleaning to do. Being away for 3 days, you can really tell. Nathan and Keith did try. Which I am very greatful for.

Unbelievable

I haven’t really updated in a few days. I post little blog entries but not really posted a real blog entry. I have so many thoughts running in my head. Which is odd. I don’t know why I have had some many different thoughts about so many different things. Now I am making no sense. :question:

Last night I watched a show on A&E about a girl that was addicted to meth. It really got to me. I just sat and cried almost always through it. Most people don’t know because I don’t talk about it much but my brother, Raymond was addicted to meth for almost 4 years until he was put in jail. He lost his two kids over it and his wife left him. His two girls live with my mother and father and his wife ran off with another man.

The girls family in the TV :tv: show just kept having to deal with the same shit day after day. I really felt for her family. I love my brother very much but someone can only handle so much. I remember a lot of nights no being able to sleep worrying if this was the night my family would get a call saying my brother was dead because of an overdose.

Which is really scary since he overdosed in March 2001. He almost died. He doesn’t realize how close to death he was and the scary part is that he didn’t even realize that he was that close. That his heart rate was going from 54 bpm to 175 bpm. He had so many drugs in his system it was unbelievable. It still scares me to this day to think about it.

I hope my brother sees the 💡 light some day but who knows. At this moment in time he is in jail. At least I know he is getting 3 meals a day and has a bed to sleep in. It makes me hurt to think about the nights he use to run around and not care about anything it seems. 🙁 I have to stop talking about this now. I don’t want to cry tonight.

A couple people asked in my last blog entry if mice eat their babies. About 5% do but 95% of the time they won’t. Not unless their is something wrong with the babies or someone picks them up to early. Not like hamsters. About 45% of hamsters will eat their babies sometimes more then that. Yet another reason I love having mice. But I do love my hammies as well. I love all of my pets; Mario and Princess (mice), Chewie (teddy bear hamster), Egg (dwarf hamster) and Cookie (dog, she lives with my mother and father). WOW! A lot of pets but I still take care of each and everyone with love. I am a dork. LOL 😳