Cody

ex-P.O.S

I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you?

I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you?

His mother told me, “If he is suppose to leave you alone, leave him alone!!!!”. I believe I am not suppose to write an entry about whoever I want when ever I want. Let me get this right. I, who pays for the domain, who lives in the land of the free, can’t write a simple goodbye note. Something that was meant just to get how I felt about, out in the open. Wasn’t like I wrote something bad. Wasn’t like I wrote something mean. I simply wrote. Goodbye. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. I could have been a bitch but I didn’t. I could have said so much more but I didn’t. I won’t. I am a bigger person than that.

I don’t believe I got the note that said I couldn’t write whatever I wanted to write. I don’t really remember that. Damn it. I must get more note pads to write on. But wait, remember, I was the one with a good job, a place to live and a new car. Forgive me for working to get everything I have. Forgive me for carrying everyone else’s load for so long. Forgive me.

I feel as if I can look be on all this and become a better person. I don’t regret the past year, I don’t regret my past 4 years. I am who I am because of everything. I will have to rise up be on the hurt and pain. I will have to find ways of forgiving. Never forgetting but always forgiving. Karma finds a way around to everything. Good or bad.

Remember, don’t judge anyone. Everyone is working on a harder battle. I don’t understand people. Like they have a fucking right to judge anyone or anything. As if they are better or even worse. I know I have made mistakes. I know I’m not and never will be perfect. This is something some people will never get out of their head. I have worked my butt off for as long as I can remember. And I will be damned if a snot nosed little brat is going to bring me down because of it. Fine.

Remember, you are the one that said “If you think your ready, then fucking bring it.” It will be. It will be.

xox

Dear Cody,

Dear Cody,

It isn’t that I lied or cheated on you. I never did anything to hurt you on purpose. I do miss you. I miss things about you. I don’t miss how in the end how we treated each other. In the end, it was bad. The start was great. But over all, it wasn’t bad either. We both are at points in our lives that are making us who we are. You have the school thing and friends thing and party thing. This is what your suppose to be doing at your age.

I on the other hand, want a real life, work, a house, kids, a real life. We just can’t see eye to eye. I hope one day we can sit and have tea and laugh about the great times we had and forget the sad. I want you to find someone that makes you truly happy and loves all of you. I want you to work out all angry and just realize love is in the air. Love has always been there.

I know this want have any effect on you. You will still hate me. You will still think I am in the wrong. That I am nothing but a bitch, cunt and whore or slut. I am whatever you think I am. I will never be anything else but that to you.

That is okay. I wish you the best. With time I will forgive you. I will have forgot all the bad and move on to live a very happy life without you. To bad you couldn’t just be friends. You couldn’t just be happy with that. It was all or nothing for you. No middle ground.

Goodbye Cody. Sweet dreams. Goodnight forever.

— Jenn

Like the seasons, love changes

I feel like I lost everything. . .again. . .to really find myself. . .I will be okay. I always am. I will be great. I will always love him, but like the seasons, love changes. You know what they say, Everything will be okay in the end, if it is not okay, then it is not the end!

The Fray – Over My Head (Cable Car)
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that’s how it’s got to be
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Let’s rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that’s disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows
She’s on your mind
Everyone knows I’m in over my head
I’m in over my head
I’m in over…

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Tomorrow is a new day

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours-it is an amazing journey-and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. — Unknown

I posted this a few months ago. This same quote. I don’t think of it as mine own now nor did I then. My life never feels safe anymore. I don’t feel what I use to and I sure as hell don’t feel the same now.

I don’t feel lost anymore. I don’t feel anger. I feel for the people around me. I want closeness. I don’t get it but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it.

I want to go hang out when I want without being worried that I will have to come home to someone that will be mad. When they was doing the same thing 6 months ago. When he wanted to do it, it was all fine. I know he will most likely be mad about this too. Surprise. I’m sick and tired of him thinking I’m always in the wrong. I know I’m not perfect. I know I mess up. I know I am wrong. . .a lot. I’m not wrong for wanting to be happy. To want to have fun.

I want him to realize. We should be doing this whole life thing together, no fighting it with each but fighting it for each other. You know what I mean? I am happy at times. Happier than I had ever been. Then their is times I cry and I get worried and I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel lost.

Maybe things will get better. I can hope. Tomorrow is a new day.