Cody

ex-P.O.S

Aside

Zooms back

For the past 5 months all I could talk about is how happy I was. How nothing could pop my bubble. . .well, doesn’t plans change. My wedding to the man I thought was of my dreams dump me. After 5 months of him being gone and me waiting for him. This game that we have been playing has been going on for a total of almost 3 years. Enough is enough. I love you. I truly do.

I’m not mad at how it has all played out because I am guessing this is how it is suppose to be. If we are meant to be, it will either work out or we are not. I am sick and tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I have made mistakes, I have paid for each and everyone of them. I can’t take back my past and if I could, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change all the happy moments or sad moments. Those moments were meant to happen. Those moments shaped us into the person we are today.

Those memories, they seem like dreams now. I keep saying “if only. . .” But then I try to take a step back and look again. If only isn’t a choice and I zoom back in to reality. This still feels like a nightmare. I am hurting.

I want you to find whatever your looking for. Whether it maybe love, life, happiness or even just being content. Everyone should be happy. Life is too short. That’s what you keep telling me.

I’m not looking for anything. I was happy. . .it was ripped away. You can’t change your actions now nor would I want you too. I just want you to know, I hope we can be friends. That with time I could be happy for you too. That we look back and remember that we changed each other. That we loved each other truly. That all this pain we feel was for something and not nothing. That it showed us that we are still alive, that there is still something magical out there.

Aside

So many questions

Today you said you was leaving. . .or you might be. I wish I was mad at you for this but I’m not. I’m not angry nor do I hate you. I wish I was angry. That way it didn’t hurt so bad. I want you happy. I feel lost, like I don’t know what to do. I feel scared like I child. I feel. . .to much right now.

I have been crying, sleeping being depressed. I don’t know what else to do or how to deal with this feeling. I wish I was back on my depression medication maybe I could handle this better. When was talking this morning, I wasn’t yelling nor was you. Which was nice to sit down and talk without each other being mad or yelling. I have so many questions but no answers and the questions I feel like I can’t even put into words to get an answer. Most likely you really don’t have an answer anyway or if you do I most likely won’t want to hear it. It will be so over whelming, I mean, it is already. I cry because I don’t know what else to do. That’s crazy. Silly.

I know crying doesn’t solve anything but that’s all I can bring myself to do.

Aside

Really shitty

A few entries ago I wrote: “When life is good, life is really good. And when life is shit, life is really shitty it seems.” Right now, I feel like it is really shitty. Cody has canceled the wedding. Well, we have moved it up to whenever he feels ready. I am scared to death he is going to get deployed or moved to a different location and I won’t be able to go. SCARED. TO. DEATH!! Simple as that. He says he has cold feet, needs to find himself and the list goes on. I know I still want to marry him and I love him.

I am so depressed this week. I thought it would be different. So different. I thought this next two weeks would be us getting ready for our wedding and honeymoon. Getting every little detail down. But no, now I have friend flying in out of state that is coming in for no reason but to visit now. I feel bad for that. I am super happy at least Cammie is getting to come and visit still but I really wanted her to be in the wedding. Oh, well. A dress has been bought, cake been ordered, hotel been booked. Everything is going to take all this week to cancel or get a hold of people to tell them not to come. It’s crazy. It all feels like shit. I feel terrible.

I am so upset. I didn’t even go to work today. This weekend was suppose to be amazing. I picked Cody up and it wasn’t nothing like I had hoped. All I know is I feel sad and depressed. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling anymore. It’s been so long since I felt this bad.

My mom and I are even in to it over this. She is being so unreasonable. She isn’t talking to me. Whatever happen to it being my life?

Aside

What a day

Wow, just wow. That is all I have. I am so tired. Saturday during all the bad storms we had. My mom got hurt. She thought she broke her foot or at least hurt it really, really bad. Tried working on it Monday, well, but that evening. It was a total fail. Around 6ish mom calls me back to her house to take her to the ER. We didn’t get out until 2am. WTF? 🙁 Her foot isn’t broke a plus but still angry about having to wait that long.

I was so tired. I went to work just long enough to finish the book I was working on. Then I was so tired I started to blank out. I came home and went back to bed. I have felt like crap all day. I am looking forward to going to bed tonight.

I also finally got my book in from Amazon, The Virgin Suicides. I loved the movie. And so far, the movie seem to be pretty faithful to the book. Which makes me happy. 🙂 I am going to finish my pizza from Subway. Then head to bed. Night world.

8 days until my Cody James comes home. I am so happy.

Aside

Finally something

good happens. I mean, really nothing that bad has been going on but I am in a super good mood. I finally got another thing done on my big to do list. I reorganized my desk because I finally got a new one. I am giving my old one to Rowdy (Cody’s little brother). I needed something to hold up. This one is an L shaped glass and metal. I will upload pictures in the next few days. I am so happy. My office finally looks like an office, not a room that happens to have a computer in it. I have some before, before pictures. Then I have some before pictures from a couple of days ago before I got my desk. The before, before pictures is when we first moved in. It was so bad.

I work tomorrow. Tuesday is going to be a kind of a busy day. I plan on going to BG, were I have to get my AC “juiced up” and then I have to get two new tires and then all four balanced so I can drive to MO by myself safely. I am scared about that part.

And then I have to go talk to BGTC about my COMPASS test and see if I have to get anything besides my transcript to them. I’m not too worried about the COMPASS test because even if I do poorly on it, which I don’t think I will but if I do. I just have to take some pre-college classes. Since my ACT scores don’t count anymore. It’s only been 6 years since I was in high school. Crazy talk.

I am now off track about what I wanted to blog about because Cody called and I got busy booking a hotel for the night I pick Cody up. We are going to hang out with a couple in St. Louis. One of Cody’s army buddies (he trained with at Basic/AIT.) and his buddy’s wife, I hope to talk Cody into taking me to St. Louis zoo since I haven’t been in years.