drama queen

Aside

I realized

I have realized a lot here lately. I realized that I am a very pushy person. I normally have to have it my way or no way. And I realize that that does make me sound like a bitch and most of the time I am. I like to have things my way, I like to do the things I enjoy and I like to have the things I want.

But also I realized I have changed so much since I have started dating Kyle. I realize I give in way more easily now. It’s not a fight if something doesn’t work out or I don’t get what I wanted it’s okay. It’s not a fight it’s not a hassle. I’m okay with that. I am happy with that.

Before I would have fought for days over it now. . .it doesn’t even matter. He is more important. Getting a long is all the happy I need.

Just a random moment of thoughts.

Aside

This father’s day

Most people don’t know because we aren’t proud of the fact but my father is in jail this father’s day. He never has been before but due to some very unfortunate events my father has to pull 90 to a 180 days there and then be on shock probation up to 4 years. Never the less, I never really realized that I would miss my father so much until he went to jail. I never realized how often I truly did enjoy seeing him, talking to him and so on. He is a good man. He hasn’t always been a good father but what man can say he has been 100% of the time. He has always worked hard and we always had what we needed. It may not have been the best or name brand but we had what we needed.

So this father’s day I went to visit him in jail. It was a little over an hour drive. We did get to visit for around 35 minutes. It was nice. Happy father’s day. I miss you dad, can’t wait for you to come home.

Aside

Happy and sadness

So much to blog about but so little time. Cammie will be there THIS Thursday. I can not wait. We have so much to do. We are getting inked the night she flies in. Then who knows what else. I am looking so forward to the end of this week.

Tomorrow is going to be a sad day. My great aunt Betty died Sunday morning sometime. I wasn’t super close with her but she was my grandmother’s sister. I need to be at the funeral home for her.

This week is full of happy and sadness. We all deal with death in our own ways. I hope my grandmother will be okay. It was her last remaining living sister. Which has to be even harder.

Aside

My relationship

One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care for her and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the guy that already knows.

Relationships are so hard to sum up. So many words to use to say what happen in the past and what you wanted for the future. My relationship with Cody wasn’t all bad. We had fun times but we did have a lot of bad times. I found out in the past two years he cheated on me twice. Once before we moved in together again in August 2009 and the second time was within 48 hours of him being home from Basic training/AIT. And this is just what he has told me, that doesn’t include if he has done it any other times and I just don’t know about it.

I wish I could say I forgive him for these actions because I don’t yet. I know he is still hanging out and talking with the girl he cheated on me with. He doesn’t seem to mind and nor does she. He told me after I found out he would be willing to stop talking to her. He would work it out. He doesn’t want that. Because if he did, he would have stopped. In the end, I guess she was worth it. I guess what we had didn’t matter in the end because it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

She can have him. I won’t be made a fool again. Let her found out about his mood swings and angry issues. Let her pay his way.

He came and got the last of his stuff today. He kept saying over the past few days he wanted to at least be friends. If I needed him, to call. Whatever, he wasn’t here for me when I did need him while we were dating, why would I call when I need him now?

He says he wants to be friends. “We can still be friends” is like “your dog is dead, but you can still keep it” Is how that makes me feel. You know? Why would I want to watch him be happy with this other girl? I do want him happy, this I am not saying. I just don’t want to watch it. It hurts still. Maybe later on but right now. I hurts so bad. Each day is better than the last.

And I know with time it will all heal. I will move on with my life. I have too. I can’t sit around hoping something will happen because if it hasn’t worked in all the times we tried and he is still trying to be with other people, he can have them. I am tired of being hurt all the time. I deserve better! And I really wished he could have been the man to make all my dreams come true. At one time I believed that. I think we have a connection that I have never had with anyone and that is what is making all this so hard.

I have been able to get up, walk away from anyone in my life. Never had a problem, him. He is a problem. I don’t know why. He is one of the few people that can either brighten my world with a look or make my life living hell with a touch. It’s crazy. And at one time I could have done the same to him.

So, I guess Cody and I are really over. Funny how within 24 hours of him being home, my world fell a part. That’s okay, I will pick up the pieces, like I always do. I was making it before him and I will make it after him. He is just one man. He isn’t a god. He is who he is. I can’t change that and we tried to make it work. At least we can say that.

Aside

Zooms back

For the past 5 months all I could talk about is how happy I was. How nothing could pop my bubble. . .well, doesn’t plans change. My wedding to the man I thought was of my dreams dump me. After 5 months of him being gone and me waiting for him. This game that we have been playing has been going on for a total of almost 3 years. Enough is enough. I love you. I truly do.

I’m not mad at how it has all played out because I am guessing this is how it is suppose to be. If we are meant to be, it will either work out or we are not. I am sick and tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I have made mistakes, I have paid for each and everyone of them. I can’t take back my past and if I could, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change all the happy moments or sad moments. Those moments were meant to happen. Those moments shaped us into the person we are today.

Those memories, they seem like dreams now. I keep saying “if only. . .” But then I try to take a step back and look again. If only isn’t a choice and I zoom back in to reality. This still feels like a nightmare. I am hurting.

I want you to find whatever your looking for. Whether it maybe love, life, happiness or even just being content. Everyone should be happy. Life is too short. That’s what you keep telling me.

I’m not looking for anything. I was happy. . .it was ripped away. You can’t change your actions now nor would I want you too. I just want you to know, I hope we can be friends. That with time I could be happy for you too. That we look back and remember that we changed each other. That we loved each other truly. That all this pain we feel was for something and not nothing. That it showed us that we are still alive, that there is still something magical out there.