life

Hate Me

I am lost for words.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
Hate Me –Blue October

I will always let lyrics talk for me.

Doesn’t Matter?

So, this person, someone close to where I live judging this by their IP address. The person’s email address I can’t trace because it isn’t a real address. Just wondering who this person is. Just wondering why they feel the need to hide behind a false email address and no name.

First Comment: This comment was on the I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you? entry.

Love it! So much passion. One thing that I absolutely CAN NOT stand is when others judge. It has to be my biggest pet peeve. Something you should realize is that everyone has an opinion, and not everyone is going to agree with your point of view, but that is the beauty of it all.. That is why our forefathers fought and died so that we do have the right to say what we want. Don’t let negative feedback keep you from voicing ‘your’ opinion. It is those that choose to be negative because they have no back-bone of their own to say what they truly mean. No. It isn’t always going to make everyone happy, but if you are offended simply move on to another person’s blog!! — click to view comment

Second Comment: This comment was on Dear Cody, entry.

Sounds like a bunch of drama that should have been left in highschool… Not the blog, but the comments. People breakup, our hearts get broken but that’s life. — click to view comment

Secret Lyric Game

This is a little game I made up. Kind of like the Secret Game. You take lyrics and everyone tries to guess which lyrics are for them. Here goes:

1.)
and this is how it feels. . .
as we go on, we remember
all the times we, had together
and as our lives change
come whatever
we will still be friends forever
Graduation Friends Forever –Vitamin C

2.)
We’re just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish You Were Here –Pink Floyd

3.)
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
Don’t Speak –No Doubt

4.)
Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
Butterfly Kisses –Bob Carlisle

5.)
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
I Kissed A Girl –Katy Perry

6.)
Would you look at her
She looks at me
Shes got me thinking about her constantly
But she don’t know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if shes figured out
I’m crazy for this girl
Crazy for This Girl to –Evan And Jaron

Go a head and guess. I bet you won’t know. lol You might. 🙂 Hope you like this game.

Baby mama drama

Let’s say you have the person in your life. He is your world. Let’s call him Bunny. Okay, Bunny has girl that may or may not be pregnant. Let’s call her Baby Mama. Baby Mama and Bunny was together as a couple around a year, but lived together for a total of three years. One night before Bunny gets with new girl. Bunny and Baby Mama happen to hook up. Maybe or maybe not a baby was made.

Bunny tries to give Baby Mama every option in the world to show him the truth. To let him be apart of this wonderful world of baby. She clams to be around 5 1/2 months or so. She will not show proof, will not let him go to the doctor with her. He tries to be part of her life, but she always finds away to make sure she can’t meet up with him or starts drama or doesn’t show up. She tries to make him look bad. Telling everyone he doesn’t want to be part of his child’s life or telling everyone he doesn’t care but I know what goes on. He tries.

She clams to be pregnant but then turns around and gets tattoos, smokes and has sex with random guys. Hello? Really? Come on now! I mean, what pregnant mother does these things if she cared or was really pregnant. She isn’t pregnant. Well, as far as we know. If she is, OMG, I don’t even what to know what she is really doing.

I don’t understand. If you are pregnant, wouldn’t you, just show proof. Wouldn’t it be easy to show proof. If it wasn’t a problem.

Why keep holding on? He doesn’t want you and hasn’t wanted you in a good while. I hope Baby Mama gets it together if she really is. For her sake and the baby’s.

Crazy, crazy baby mama drama.

Would you want to watch it?

I randomly think about the good and bad times. The moments that make us, well, us. The moments that in an instant will either break us or make us the person we are today. The moment that changed everything about our lives. The one choice that lead us to the path we are today. I think about what moment, what choice, what help make us make this choice, this decision. I wonder how or why we got the conclusion we did.

I randomly think about the choices that have got me to this point in my life. Not just everyone else, but me. It is hard for me to believe I was married for 3 years. It is even harder for me to believe I was with Cody for almost a year. Not hard because it was bad but over all. It is hard for me to believe just over 4 years of my life is gone. . .and I am scared if I blink, another 4 years will be gone. . .If I fall a sleep, I will a wake an old women. Scared of what will lay a head of me.

My father told me as a child I was wishing my life way. You wish to be 16, then 18, then 21 before you know it, you blink your 40. I am starting to believe that. My weeks seem to be getting shorter and my months seem to fly by. I tell myself this is all because I’m so busy. I really, don’t think that it is. I think it is because of my age. I have already wished all my years way. Now time is speeding up. I remember as a kid, the summers would last forever. Our two week breaks would never end. Weekends lasted longer then just a few moments. I still get the two day weekends. They are over before I know it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not wishing to move time, I’m not wanting to change my past and I truly will never regret my past. Cody once told me, If your life was a movie, would you want to watch it?

Then it hit me, how true is that. Why live life any other way? I imagine when my life is over, when it is all said and done with sitting there watching my life. This beautiful movie, this work of art. I can imagine myself laughing, turning red A LOT, crying, wanting to change the channel but never ever taking back anything, not one moment. Never changing a thing.

I truly believe I am happy with these choices. I truly believe that I am a wonderful person. With all my flaws, imperfectness, with all of my downsides. I am truly a beautiful person and I feel like it has taken me years to finally see that. I am what ever you say I am, but I know what I am.