life

I suck at life. But I’m wicked cool.

I realized something today. I truly hate to be a lone. At home or anything dealing with me. I hate to be a lone. My dog had been at mom’s house for a couple of days. I would wake up or go to bed sad almost because I didn’t have her. I hated not having her here or anyone here with me. I am such a wuss about some much.

When I get my new place, I really won’t have anyone to hang out with. CJ works in Glasgow, goes to school in BG, so I wouldn’t have him around very much. I still talk to Keith and hang out with him sometimes, not now, he lives here in Glasgow, Nathan lives with him. Most of my friends now live here. I’m moving 45 minutes away. I’m not going to really have many people. I’m upset about that. I love to have people over. Not a lot of people but people never the less.

I just hope that I will be able to keep Cookie. If not, I will be a very unhappy person. Or I will spending so much time at my mom’s house, I might as well be living back there. OMG!

I just don’t know what to do. I’m really going to miss this place. As much as I say I hate it. I really will miss it. I’m going to miss having everything so near, having everyone near.

This move is scaring me to death. I just don’t know how everything is going to work out. If I could find another job that paid pretty good, then I could stay here but I’m jobless right now and there is no way I could stay. I’m so scared I have no clue what to do.

I have no clue about my life. I have so much going on and I can see my life falling down around me. I feel like everything is going wrong. Nothing is fitting together. And I don’t know why. I swear I seen a icon that fit me perfect. It quoted “I suck at life. But I’m wicked cool.” I really do suck at life. Why does everything fall?

Life isn’t so bad. . .all the time

I truly have been trying to look on the bright side. I know it’s hard sometimes but over all I’m a pretty happy person. Well, I try to be. Last month was a bad month. I was talking to this guy who was a total dick to me. He was one of those guys that when he was around his friends, I was just a friend but when everyone left and it was me and him. I was finally good enough. He wanted me to wear make-up all the time and stuff like that. I know that I am not the most beautiful women in the world but you know what, damn it, I think I look pretty without make-up and with it I look fine too.

I don’t want a man that thinks the only way I look good is with make-up. I have never been the girl that dresses up, that wears make-up, fixes her hair and nails. I think I look pretty the way I am. I don’t believe a women has to do all those things to look nice.

I don’t want a man that thinks we have to be together every minute of every day. I want time a lone. . .sometimes. I like cuddle time and I like fun time. I’m the type of girl that likes to stay home and cook, watch movies and I love to spoil the person I’m with. I don’t know why. . .I just do. But now and then I like to know I’m wanted, that I’m weak and not always the strong person I try to be.

I have such a hard time taking help. I would love to take a hand but I hate to feel like I can’t do it. I want to be held tight, I want to hold hands while we watch TV, and be close. I’m very girl-ly. . .I guess.

I’m talking to this really wonderful guy. He makes me laugh, he does those wonderful things, like hold my hand and just stay at home with me and watch TV. I truly enjoy being with him. I don’t want to rush anything. I don’t want him to feel like I’m rushing him. I think he thinks I am but I want him to move at the speed he feels good at. That feels good for us.

We talked one night. He made the comment he only dates girls he sees himself maybe falling in love with. He says he doesn’t know if he could fall in love with me (because we had a past); that I’m to nice. I make him smile, we can joke together, we get a long great. I’m pretty sure his family likes me and so on. I know I fall way to fast and I get hurt so much because I do give my key to my heart up so easy. But I can’t help it. I have a very big heart. :heart: It feels so good to have those feelings again. It’s been so long since I felt that way. Since I had someone make me feel that way. He is so sweet.

It’s so hard to talk about it. I’m not sure he really wants me talking about it or him on here but I just had to get my feelings out. I’m scared to really say to much because I know that we care about each other but we really don’t talk about are status with each other. It keeps me guessing. I kind of hate that but it’s more like a love-hate thing. lol

Fast update

I just wanted to post and say I am still a live. Not dead!! lol I have been very busy. I have been hanging out with friends a lot and I also finally got my car back. Oh, yeah! Finally!

I hope everyone is well. Leave a comment and I will hit you back. Thanks

Never my happy ending

Yet again, nothing works out the way it is suppose too. Every time I care about someone that want to hurt me. I really truly should let this person read all the past entries. It might make them see but that is another story all together. I don’t think will ever know and I am so tired of trying.

I keep trying to update a little at a time. I am working on my father-in-laws site trying to change it over to a new server and what not. Fun, fun. Shouldn’t be that much trouble.

I finally got my hair cut and dyed. It looks pretty good. You can go to my myspace and check out the pictures. 🙂 They rock!! lol

Not much else to report. Just have to be at work a 10am and I don’t see myself going to bed anytime soon. Can’t sleep. :yuck: I really hate that.

Never the same

Things never seem to stay the same. I am still talking to Todd, still sleeping with him and all. He called his g/f up a few nights ago and dropped her. She said she is done with him. This is very good for me. . .I guess. I mean I did win, but at what cost? :sneer: It doesn’t feel like I won.

Rainbow & Todd I don’t know what to really do. I think I am falling for this man. He is so easy to fall for. I hate to say that, I hate to think it, I hate to type it. I enjoy everything about him and don’t get me wrong, the sex is so good. :devil: I’m not totally sure what the hell is going on.

I want to know. I truly do but I kind of talked about it the other night with him but yet again I was drinking a little and kind of don’t remember what was said. I pretty sure I told him how I felt about everything and that I was hurt about it. I wanted to be with him and be the only one but that didn’t mean marriage or anything, you know. I mean, hell, I’m still in a middle of a divorce. ( Which will be final June 18 :yay: ) But anyway.

I think we are kind of a thing now for sure. He has been over here every night this week. I have been loving it. I just wish I understood better. He is ex-girlfriend has been emailing me and talking to me on myspace IM and I’m being very nice and I just keep telling her Todd and I are only friends. This is very hard for me. I DON’T lie to no one. I don’t care who you are. I just don’t lie. I hate it. I don’t ask much out of people but that is one of them. I can’t stand it when someone lies to me. Just don’t lie and we will be good. 🙂 Ok. lol

I wish I could post all these on my site without the password but since my divorce still isn’t final I really can’t talk about me being with someone else. Keith’s family would DIE. That’s all their is to it. Just DIE! lol My family knows and what not. They don’t mind to much.

I’m off for now. I believe I might make a public entry as well. And thank you for all the help guys. 🙂 It does mean a lot.