love

Aside

I realized

I have realized a lot here lately. I realized that I am a very pushy person. I normally have to have it my way or no way. And I realize that that does make me sound like a bitch and most of the time I am. I like to have things my way, I like to do the things I enjoy and I like to have the things I want.

But also I realized I have changed so much since I have started dating Kyle. I realize I give in way more easily now. It’s not a fight if something doesn’t work out or I don’t get what I wanted it’s okay. It’s not a fight it’s not a hassle. I’m okay with that. I am happy with that.

Before I would have fought for days over it now. . .it doesn’t even matter. He is more important. Getting a long is all the happy I need.

Just a random moment of thoughts.

Aside

Just another day

The most boring of days. I woke up, and I needed to go grocery shopping and pick up Kyle’s van. I woke up about an hour before I was being picked up by Kyle’s mom Cendy (my soon-to-be mother-in-law). Before she came to pick me up I did the few things I have been aiming to do. Like putting away three loads of clean clothes. Washing another load. I also made my bed and took a shower before she picked me up. I was on it this morning. We went to Wal-Mart and Kroger. It was a very nice day.

Tomorrow I call about my test results that I had done a week ago tomorrow. I have everything that can be crossed, crossed. I am hoping for the good but I am preparing myself for the worse. I try not to think like that but I can’t help it sometimes.

I also have a family meeting with Life Skills tomorrow with Caroline. She is 13 thinking she is 21. And she thinks she is an adult. Her actions speak so load. She is so much a child. She has no idea what she is doing to her life. But that is another time and place.

Aside

Saturday 9: I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonight

1. Have you ever lost a lover and spent way too much time wondering what they were doing? Yes, wondered more then I would have liked to admitted.

2. What was your favorite vacation ever? Last year when I went to Holiday World with my family.

3. Do you like surprises? If yes, what kinds? Or are you one of those people who absolutely has to know what’s going on before it happens? I hate surprises. HATE THEM! I am to much of a control freak.

4. Have you ever written a poem? Feel free to share one. Or even a dirty limerick is OK.

One With The Night

I see blues and purples,
The sky dancing in form,
With the colors,
One without the other.

The moon rises so golden and fresh,
Almost new with the night.

Wild animals come out,
Work one with each other,
Almost in harmony,
Relying on one another.

I watch from my window,
Lying in bed,
Being amused with the night,
Wondering how something so beautiful,
Could be so scary,
Be so lovely.

All in one instant.

5. Did anything interesting show up in your mail lately besides the bills?Not really. I never get real mail. It makes me sad!

6. How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends do you feel will still be important to you ten years from now? Family members don’t count.
 My best friend Cammie has been going strong for almost 13 years.

7. Do you own a pet? If so, do you buy them presents for holidays? Do you consider your pet(s) spoiled? If you don’t own one, do you think you will one day? I have a ton of pets and they do get gifts during the holidays. They are for real spoiled.

8. It’s Friday afternoon and you’re planning your weekend. What’s on your agenda on a hot August night? AC and a good book.

9. What’s your worst nervous habit? Biting my nails. . .

– Saturday 9

Aside

Two options

I feel like I should update on life. Not a whole lot of stuff going on day to day life but some stuff does happen. Right now I had to have another biopsy over cervical dysplasia. Which in normal talk “pre-cancer” or the start of cancer. Which to me I thought couldn’t get any scarier then, August 1st, I had to have another biopsy done. Those cells are showing up again, not sure how bad yet but the doctor came into the office while I wait half naked. Stating two things if this pre-cancer is back or worse then it was in February I have two options. That is it. TWO! I am thinking okay. It can’t be that bad. Well, I was wrong.

Option one is put me in the hospital this time and do another LEEP / colposcopy and / or a cone biopsy. They want to take more of my cervices. Or Option two a hysterectomy. Not in my wildest dreams did I think that at 25 I would have to face this choice. That my future husband may not be able to have children and that his options for children can be answered for him because of this. I am so hurt by it. I won’t have a real answer to what I have to do until I get my results. Longest wait ever! They said 3 – 5 days. I should know something by Friday.

Kyle said he loves me and won’t leave if we can’t have children. They we have other options besides having children ourselves. But I wanted us to have a family so bad. I wanted us to have the whole life together. I just feel so sad and scared and hurt and so many other things that I just can’t put into words right now. I know he loves me, but how can he still want to be with someone that can’t have children. He said he kind of wanted a family but he loves me and wants what is best for me.

I love him so much and I am truly lucky to have someone like him. He cares so much and is willing to even sacrifice this for me. This is someone that loves me without borders, without limitations. Thank you Kyle for being so amazing and prefect for me!